All I could ever want right now is you, she sits there across the room, opening her new phone, enjoying a life I'm not a part of. I don't know why I feel so lonely, I know I'm on top of my shit and in my prime by being alone, but I cant handle it. I was just playing music and totally into this blog, but someone else decided to play music atop mine. I hate that. Anyways, I dont even remember what I was thinking, I go off on these thoughts of this girl. I just can't help myself. She's beautiful in her special way of being who she is and understanding others.. Its kinda scary, she opened me up like a book and shes reading my pages over and over again. The whole story of Phil isn't very complicated, I try to keep life as simple as possible, as truthful as I can. I don't know anymore, I shouldn't be in this room. She's tearing me a part on the inside, I want to be around her, but here I am, across the room, across the universe, and she'll never understand what I'm feeling right now..
Louis sent me a message over facebook talking to me about how I am just never around anymore. I mean, thats what I picked up from it. I felt terrible, I wasn't focusing on what was most important to me, my friends, my family, myself. I've just been lost in this world of cruelty and life that I haven't been able to let go of any strife. I hang on to it and let it shape me, when really, I shouldn't focus on that, or even this.. I should just focus on who I am as a person and what I want to be. Man.. There went my chance to play music again..
They all laugh, making jokes, coloring, listening to soft piano with a gentle voice to accompany. I ran into Aggie today, we talked a bit, and I didn't know what to think or feel. I guess I'd be down with that again, but, I'm not sure.. I feel like that was only supposed to happen once, cause it definitely didn't happen twice, and I think that if it did, it would only fuck me up more than I am right now. I don't need anymore emotional distress..
I should probably go, they're making fun of me now. I hate this place sometimes. I need to leave and go hang out with some people who really appreciate my company and don't just have fun with me all the time.
Have a Good One
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Myself
Myself
An Amish man plays on his iPad as sweet tones of ambient Explosions in the Sky fill my ears with timed rhythmic happiness. My pencil touches paper vigorously, but now I type with precision, completely counteracting the previous surface’s motion. It was actually getting harder and harder to write whilst on that train, I was just looking to pass time, as endless as it is. I felt so lonely, I didn’t sleep that night, and all I could think about was smoking. My other option was to watch a movie, but if I had watched another I’m pretty sure I would’ve spewed up the wonderful steak dinner I indulged in just before this moment of clarity. Being in my head isn’t always a good thing, I over think everything, I try to make dreams come true, but I end up creating expectations bound to be broken. I create another paradise of happiness for me to shipwreck upon. Oh loneliness if only you knew the heart wrenching feeling of your inspiration. Your creations lead the strongest of willed men to annihilation, but lead me, to gain temptation.
I felt so conflicted, as if inflicted with this emotion I’ve never considered before. It’s a mixture of ego and humility, love and hate, a bipolar relationship with myself, but not between two personalities. I felt torn, but reborn, as if I was scorned and then sympathized. I was stuck in my head. Everything around me was affecting my core being so much that I withdrew within myself. I wanted to interact with the beauty around me, but the ugly thoughts interfered, all the consequences, reactions, emotions, a combination of the worst destroying dreams, hope, and desires. I didn’t know what to think anymore, I wanted to get on my shit, but I was so tired. I felt like my whole body and spirit was depleted fully of its ambitious empowerment over me. A new girl was entering my life; she’s wonderful, one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, to the point where she is becoming my demise. I wanted to believe that something like this could carry on leading us to fall in love with all the potential that it entails, but time will not allow for such things to take place, especially so quickly. I want her, and I know I’m getting attached, but I’ve got to remember to take it slowly. Time moves on, excessively pushing me onwards, allowing no time for myself, no time to do anything, just enough time to fulfill my obligation to the society that we are forced to survive in. Our world is stressful because it has so many experiences compacted into one perspective, one observation, and one view of the world.
All I want is to let go, “Turn on, tune in, and drop out,” famous words spoken by Timothy Leary, a professor at Harvard University in the 1960’s, he had it right. He understands the follies and fallacies that come with living in this modernistic world of materialism and misconceptions. It took psilocybin and some drops of acid to break free from his illusion of reality to discover the balance that comes from the truth. I want to go somewhere else with what little money I have in my pocket, only to find myself in a foreign city to discover another part of my identity. Discovery comes with experience, and the farther you leave your former identity, whether it be leaving home, or a change in character, discovery will always be the cause of your personal evolution. This world has this tendency to pick me up only to beat me down, my pointless endless search for happiness is running me into the ground. But what is pure happiness? We can all say that happiness is an emotion that we all feel when experiencing something of good nature that affects us personally, perhaps a child’s birth, a kiss from a lover, finishing that paper, or even clocking out after a hard day at work. As humans we’re so used to being satisfied with what we do and how we do it, we hate being dragged into things and being told what to do, its what defines our individuality and separates us as humans. This essay is all over the place, but that’s what my personality pertains. I’m just a man scrambling his mind up over good intentions, forgetting his priorities trying to care for others over himself. I’ve forgotten how to carry out certain things; mostly what actually makes me happy, I’ve become so infatuated with other people that their happiness becomes mine. I want to hang out with this girl all day, but there’s a day wasted towards a relationship that requires me to stay at UNM, from which I am in jeopardy of being suspended from.
I tell myself everyday that I can do it, but I wake up everyday feeling the opposite, so I try to make my days as productive as possible. I still am unsure if I’ll make it or not, hopefully my dreams won’t be crushed by this meaningless mistake in my life. I only claim it to be meaningless because it has taught me nothing, I will always be a good student, but my flaws will never leave in certain subjects. I had this thought in Math 120 because I’m already thoroughly confused in that class, in fact, I felt better after having dropped that class. I felt myself again, slowing down my pace in college a little bit more, My mother was not too pleased with my actions, but I told her I’d take classes over the summer to which she yelled at me. I wanted to give up, but I wouldn’t, Tom Petty’s words will forever echo in my head, “No I won’t back down, you can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I’ll stand my ground, and I wont back down.” I was facing gates of hell while sitting in heaven; I couldn’t see or feel the fiery hot gates because it was too comfortable on cloud nine. I’ve stated my problem; I love happiness so much that every time I feel the slightest amount of happiness it means the world to me. You have to understand though, how important happiness is to me, I guess you could say it’s important for almost anyone. Happiness has tricked me before, there’s such a thing as false happiness, whether it comes in the form of an infatuation for someone who views you as meaningless, or the happiness that comes from escapism. It’s this artificial feeling that we’re doing something right, I always find myself taking part in artificial happiness. I try to escape my reality by convincing myself that what I’m doing is right. Nothing is really “right,” something may feel right, but that may not mean it is right. My last girlfriend, Lisa, made everything feel right; I almost felt at home, I was on top of my shit. Phil was a better person in society, but he wasn’t really Phil, the real Phil has no room in this world to shine, Phil will always be the unrecognized, misunderstood, and unseen.
I’m crumbling, only stumbling to rebuild what’s broken
I don’t know why I try to redeem what has already been lost
I’m choking at the sight of what it might cost
I’m mumbling, my tongue tumbling to transcribe what can’t be said
I don’t know why you won’t let me speak my mind
I’m fed up with what you’ve left behind
I’m fumbling, only humbly asking to stay with me
I don’t know why I can’t have you tonight
But I’m happy knowing I can live this moment, not feeling any fright
Middle School was shitty for me; I went to a Jewish private school called Milken. I was beat up everyday, no one liked me, and I was failing all my classes. I almost committed suicide three times along with running away from home with no plan to come back. At the time I was very serious about pulling half of those things off, and many times the idea of suicide has seemed appealing, but never something I would do. People would miss me; I’d even miss myself. This happens to be one of the greatest reasons for my choice in philosophical ideals, hence why I’m an existentialist. Life is so absurd, full of nothing, just a universe of existence. We have all this power in our reality but our misconceptions of our perceptions only become deceptive as we live our lives trying to get to that final destination. I figured living a care free life would be the best way to counteract a meaningless world, almost as if I was dreaming.
All I want in life, is for someone to take my hand, look me in the eye, and tell me, “lets do this together.” I’m not talking about the materialistic idea of marriage, I’m talking about companionship, I’m talking about a desire for someone, what I’m really trying to say is, love. If the reader has read my journals, then you have the advantage of understanding how much love means to me. I realize that I want people to care, because I want to care, but I can’t. I’m stuck caring for myself, tired and hungry, without love. This world is hypocritical in every aspect, but that’s where the balance lies. This balance is within us all, we just need to sort it out to our liking so we can live comfortably. Its hard to find that balance, we want so much happiness to make it easier feeling that certain balance, that we end up forgetting the bigger picture. We forget the universe we’re in. Have you ever been with a lover and just forgotten the world? It may seem like a good thing, focusing so much effort and thought into love, but you’re awareness is affected. Sometimes its good to escape from this world, sometimes, its good to hold someone, you know, feels the same way. Confusion is balance, we find ourselves in such hypocritical situations that we contradict ourselves, but this is that balance.
It’s interesting thinking about the bigger picture; I love taking a step back to see what’s going on. It helps me when I feel stuck in a certain situation, I try to step back and see where the real truth lies, to not be rational, just balanced. Everything that’s happened to me in the past relates to our present being, and this present being effects my future being. Our being as a whole is the time we perceive and our evolution of that balance. Anyways, I’m losing track of myself in this essay, but I feel a lot better, in touch with whom I am. I really needed that trip down memory lane to remember who I was and will always be.
An Amish man plays on his iPad as sweet tones of ambient Explosions in the Sky fill my ears with timed rhythmic happiness. My pencil touches paper vigorously, but now I type with precision, completely counteracting the previous surface’s motion. It was actually getting harder and harder to write whilst on that train, I was just looking to pass time, as endless as it is. I felt so lonely, I didn’t sleep that night, and all I could think about was smoking. My other option was to watch a movie, but if I had watched another I’m pretty sure I would’ve spewed up the wonderful steak dinner I indulged in just before this moment of clarity. Being in my head isn’t always a good thing, I over think everything, I try to make dreams come true, but I end up creating expectations bound to be broken. I create another paradise of happiness for me to shipwreck upon. Oh loneliness if only you knew the heart wrenching feeling of your inspiration. Your creations lead the strongest of willed men to annihilation, but lead me, to gain temptation.
I felt so conflicted, as if inflicted with this emotion I’ve never considered before. It’s a mixture of ego and humility, love and hate, a bipolar relationship with myself, but not between two personalities. I felt torn, but reborn, as if I was scorned and then sympathized. I was stuck in my head. Everything around me was affecting my core being so much that I withdrew within myself. I wanted to interact with the beauty around me, but the ugly thoughts interfered, all the consequences, reactions, emotions, a combination of the worst destroying dreams, hope, and desires. I didn’t know what to think anymore, I wanted to get on my shit, but I was so tired. I felt like my whole body and spirit was depleted fully of its ambitious empowerment over me. A new girl was entering my life; she’s wonderful, one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, to the point where she is becoming my demise. I wanted to believe that something like this could carry on leading us to fall in love with all the potential that it entails, but time will not allow for such things to take place, especially so quickly. I want her, and I know I’m getting attached, but I’ve got to remember to take it slowly. Time moves on, excessively pushing me onwards, allowing no time for myself, no time to do anything, just enough time to fulfill my obligation to the society that we are forced to survive in. Our world is stressful because it has so many experiences compacted into one perspective, one observation, and one view of the world.
All I want is to let go, “Turn on, tune in, and drop out,” famous words spoken by Timothy Leary, a professor at Harvard University in the 1960’s, he had it right. He understands the follies and fallacies that come with living in this modernistic world of materialism and misconceptions. It took psilocybin and some drops of acid to break free from his illusion of reality to discover the balance that comes from the truth. I want to go somewhere else with what little money I have in my pocket, only to find myself in a foreign city to discover another part of my identity. Discovery comes with experience, and the farther you leave your former identity, whether it be leaving home, or a change in character, discovery will always be the cause of your personal evolution. This world has this tendency to pick me up only to beat me down, my pointless endless search for happiness is running me into the ground. But what is pure happiness? We can all say that happiness is an emotion that we all feel when experiencing something of good nature that affects us personally, perhaps a child’s birth, a kiss from a lover, finishing that paper, or even clocking out after a hard day at work. As humans we’re so used to being satisfied with what we do and how we do it, we hate being dragged into things and being told what to do, its what defines our individuality and separates us as humans. This essay is all over the place, but that’s what my personality pertains. I’m just a man scrambling his mind up over good intentions, forgetting his priorities trying to care for others over himself. I’ve forgotten how to carry out certain things; mostly what actually makes me happy, I’ve become so infatuated with other people that their happiness becomes mine. I want to hang out with this girl all day, but there’s a day wasted towards a relationship that requires me to stay at UNM, from which I am in jeopardy of being suspended from.
I tell myself everyday that I can do it, but I wake up everyday feeling the opposite, so I try to make my days as productive as possible. I still am unsure if I’ll make it or not, hopefully my dreams won’t be crushed by this meaningless mistake in my life. I only claim it to be meaningless because it has taught me nothing, I will always be a good student, but my flaws will never leave in certain subjects. I had this thought in Math 120 because I’m already thoroughly confused in that class, in fact, I felt better after having dropped that class. I felt myself again, slowing down my pace in college a little bit more, My mother was not too pleased with my actions, but I told her I’d take classes over the summer to which she yelled at me. I wanted to give up, but I wouldn’t, Tom Petty’s words will forever echo in my head, “No I won’t back down, you can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I’ll stand my ground, and I wont back down.” I was facing gates of hell while sitting in heaven; I couldn’t see or feel the fiery hot gates because it was too comfortable on cloud nine. I’ve stated my problem; I love happiness so much that every time I feel the slightest amount of happiness it means the world to me. You have to understand though, how important happiness is to me, I guess you could say it’s important for almost anyone. Happiness has tricked me before, there’s such a thing as false happiness, whether it comes in the form of an infatuation for someone who views you as meaningless, or the happiness that comes from escapism. It’s this artificial feeling that we’re doing something right, I always find myself taking part in artificial happiness. I try to escape my reality by convincing myself that what I’m doing is right. Nothing is really “right,” something may feel right, but that may not mean it is right. My last girlfriend, Lisa, made everything feel right; I almost felt at home, I was on top of my shit. Phil was a better person in society, but he wasn’t really Phil, the real Phil has no room in this world to shine, Phil will always be the unrecognized, misunderstood, and unseen.
I’m crumbling, only stumbling to rebuild what’s broken
I don’t know why I try to redeem what has already been lost
I’m choking at the sight of what it might cost
I’m mumbling, my tongue tumbling to transcribe what can’t be said
I don’t know why you won’t let me speak my mind
I’m fed up with what you’ve left behind
I’m fumbling, only humbly asking to stay with me
I don’t know why I can’t have you tonight
But I’m happy knowing I can live this moment, not feeling any fright
Middle School was shitty for me; I went to a Jewish private school called Milken. I was beat up everyday, no one liked me, and I was failing all my classes. I almost committed suicide three times along with running away from home with no plan to come back. At the time I was very serious about pulling half of those things off, and many times the idea of suicide has seemed appealing, but never something I would do. People would miss me; I’d even miss myself. This happens to be one of the greatest reasons for my choice in philosophical ideals, hence why I’m an existentialist. Life is so absurd, full of nothing, just a universe of existence. We have all this power in our reality but our misconceptions of our perceptions only become deceptive as we live our lives trying to get to that final destination. I figured living a care free life would be the best way to counteract a meaningless world, almost as if I was dreaming.
All I want in life, is for someone to take my hand, look me in the eye, and tell me, “lets do this together.” I’m not talking about the materialistic idea of marriage, I’m talking about companionship, I’m talking about a desire for someone, what I’m really trying to say is, love. If the reader has read my journals, then you have the advantage of understanding how much love means to me. I realize that I want people to care, because I want to care, but I can’t. I’m stuck caring for myself, tired and hungry, without love. This world is hypocritical in every aspect, but that’s where the balance lies. This balance is within us all, we just need to sort it out to our liking so we can live comfortably. Its hard to find that balance, we want so much happiness to make it easier feeling that certain balance, that we end up forgetting the bigger picture. We forget the universe we’re in. Have you ever been with a lover and just forgotten the world? It may seem like a good thing, focusing so much effort and thought into love, but you’re awareness is affected. Sometimes its good to escape from this world, sometimes, its good to hold someone, you know, feels the same way. Confusion is balance, we find ourselves in such hypocritical situations that we contradict ourselves, but this is that balance.
It’s interesting thinking about the bigger picture; I love taking a step back to see what’s going on. It helps me when I feel stuck in a certain situation, I try to step back and see where the real truth lies, to not be rational, just balanced. Everything that’s happened to me in the past relates to our present being, and this present being effects my future being. Our being as a whole is the time we perceive and our evolution of that balance. Anyways, I’m losing track of myself in this essay, but I feel a lot better, in touch with whom I am. I really needed that trip down memory lane to remember who I was and will always be.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Love Through the Clearing
Hair that flows like the ocean
Every intention to flow with the notion of your motions
The commotion quickening my locomotion
I feel drunk of your potion
A concoction of your adoption
Adopting meanings and understandings
From a girl who is not demanding
Love is not commanding, and requires no mandate
You're beautiful, compatible, a candidate
And I would like to state
That you have this power to create
Don't wait, bring life to that which is innate
Give it meanings to anyone who chooses to relate
Having eyes that don't deny
That you have tried many times
To answer and question all your whys
I am here for you and wont speak a lie
I am not afraid to die
Your breath and essence fill my being
As you take away my confidence I am finally seeing
Love through the clearing
Its hard to focus in my English class, all I can think about is every word I want to use for expression. I'm always rhyming words with emotions and understandings I feel no one understands, but I put them in my poetry for people to understand. I dont want to be cliche and say that I allow for my readers to interpret. I try to give them the blatant truth through words that can only be comprehended by ones who understand experience.
My whole intention behind this poem was to show feelings I have for this new girl who I have taken interest in. No need for names yet, and I'd like to keep it that way for now.
Have a Good One.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Live Hard
So here I am, sitting in my chair, feeling like a different man than I was before. When first got here, all I could think about was the experiences I would have in college. I was so ambitious, so ready for anything. I wanted it all, and I thought I could have it all. Now I feel like I cant even comprehend who I was before, I have so many emotions and feelings mixed up that I almost dont know what to do with myself anymore.
Trying to get over Lisa is one thing.. She broke up with me, and its no biggie.. It sucks, and I didn't like that it happened so soon, I knew we could work stuff out, I really did. I'm not going to point any fingers and put blame on anyone else but myself. I'm not saying that I'm always at fault, but obviously a characteristic of mine didn't mesh with hers. I understand that, its all about compatibility.
I'm trying to keep my cool now, so far so good. I've already met another girl, her name is Becca, and she's really cool. She got pretty trashed tonight, but its all good, I thought she was brave and managed herself. She listens to me, and I kinda like her. I wonder where things will go in the future, but I'm not pushing anything.
Other than that, my classwork is piling up, I have a job that requires a lot of hours, and I have almost no free time. It sucks cause I thought I was going to have a Fall Break, where I was gonna take Lisa to LA, but she ended up not wanting to go, so I took Jazz. As soon as I got there, my mom called me and told me my grandma died. I loved my grandma.. She was a wonderful influence in my life, and I almost feel like I've been letting her down.
I'm spiraling out of control, things have really taken a turn for the worst. I really didn't mean for this to happen, its just so hard to keep everything under control and keep your cool at the same time. What I'm trying to say is.. Its really hard not to lose your cool in this kind of world.. Shit happens all the time, and accepting that concept requires one to be cool.. I just hate it when shit doesn't work out in the end, because I really try hard to get where I'm at and then, I fall behind.. I need someone to keep me going, and keep me on top of my shit. Lisa helped me with that, and now she's made it a little bit worst.
I've decided to live on, life has its ups and downs, and I can get through anything. I just have to have a strong heart and a smart mind. I miss Lisa.
Have a Good One
Trying to get over Lisa is one thing.. She broke up with me, and its no biggie.. It sucks, and I didn't like that it happened so soon, I knew we could work stuff out, I really did. I'm not going to point any fingers and put blame on anyone else but myself. I'm not saying that I'm always at fault, but obviously a characteristic of mine didn't mesh with hers. I understand that, its all about compatibility.
I'm trying to keep my cool now, so far so good. I've already met another girl, her name is Becca, and she's really cool. She got pretty trashed tonight, but its all good, I thought she was brave and managed herself. She listens to me, and I kinda like her. I wonder where things will go in the future, but I'm not pushing anything.
Other than that, my classwork is piling up, I have a job that requires a lot of hours, and I have almost no free time. It sucks cause I thought I was going to have a Fall Break, where I was gonna take Lisa to LA, but she ended up not wanting to go, so I took Jazz. As soon as I got there, my mom called me and told me my grandma died. I loved my grandma.. She was a wonderful influence in my life, and I almost feel like I've been letting her down.
I'm spiraling out of control, things have really taken a turn for the worst. I really didn't mean for this to happen, its just so hard to keep everything under control and keep your cool at the same time. What I'm trying to say is.. Its really hard not to lose your cool in this kind of world.. Shit happens all the time, and accepting that concept requires one to be cool.. I just hate it when shit doesn't work out in the end, because I really try hard to get where I'm at and then, I fall behind.. I need someone to keep me going, and keep me on top of my shit. Lisa helped me with that, and now she's made it a little bit worst.
I've decided to live on, life has its ups and downs, and I can get through anything. I just have to have a strong heart and a smart mind. I miss Lisa.
Have a Good One
Monday, October 4, 2010
The Dynamics
So Im just learning the dynamics of a relationship, one must never be around their girl all the time.. I've been learning this the hard way. Its hard for me to stop thinking about her, I can, and when I do I do, its just I dont really like too. I feel this disconnect, and so I figured out that I'm very clingy...
This isn't a good thing, its not good for me to be there all the time, but isn't it? I mean maybe I'm just a different asset in their lives. They don't always need me to have a good time, but rather they do need you when their purse gets stolen. Its a ridiculous cycle, you'd think a girlfriend could be a lover and a friend..
Maybe its just me, maybe its just the situation I'm in. I want to be around her because I like to be, but at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't. I feel so conflicted, my head is spinning in circles once again. I can't even think for the slightest moment, its almost like I dont know what I want anymore.
I'm just gonna look on the brighter side, and see this as a time for me to really turn around, to really improve myself. Shes already helped so much with that, but its not just my own improvement, I need to make sure I dont change the being that is Phil. I can be more organized and still be myself instead of stressed out, I can be doin' my homework and still be myself. Lisa and I, I know we have something between us, we do, we just haven't really taken the time to stop and think about what we have.
Have a Good One
This isn't a good thing, its not good for me to be there all the time, but isn't it? I mean maybe I'm just a different asset in their lives. They don't always need me to have a good time, but rather they do need you when their purse gets stolen. Its a ridiculous cycle, you'd think a girlfriend could be a lover and a friend..
Maybe its just me, maybe its just the situation I'm in. I want to be around her because I like to be, but at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't. I feel so conflicted, my head is spinning in circles once again. I can't even think for the slightest moment, its almost like I dont know what I want anymore.
I'm just gonna look on the brighter side, and see this as a time for me to really turn around, to really improve myself. Shes already helped so much with that, but its not just my own improvement, I need to make sure I dont change the being that is Phil. I can be more organized and still be myself instead of stressed out, I can be doin' my homework and still be myself. Lisa and I, I know we have something between us, we do, we just haven't really taken the time to stop and think about what we have.
Have a Good One
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
A New Beginning Starting with Lisa
The last time I've written on this blog was June 19th, this isn't right. Its already September 29th, and so much shit has been goin' down in my life. FIrst of all, since this blog has mostly been focused on my romanticism I have to tell my readers, (whoever reads this), that I'm in love. I've met one of the most wonderful girls ever. Her name is Lisa, and I don't even know where to start with her.
She helps me keep my smoking in check, we do school work together, I get up in the mornings on time (feelin' like a million bucks everytime), all the things that she does to benefit me all come from her essence of being around me. I know that this is only a factor of love, but its the most important one because I only sense improvement from her, and this is exactly what I need.
She cares about me, always has a compassionate voice when talking to me, we go out to eat almost everyday, and every time we have a blast. She's always willing to do stuff that I want to do, but I never ever let that take control because I do not want to be selfish. The funny thing is, neither does she, so our relationship goes back in forth with one another insisting we should something for the other, and only getting nowhere except falling in each others arms either laughing or just smiling.
I love holding this girl, I love being around her, I don't ever want to take my eyes off her. She's so beautiful in every aspect, that its almost crazy how much I'm falling for her, and so quickly too. I already told her two nights ago, "Im falling in love with you." Little did I know that I've already fallen, I'm just staring from the ground looking up at a wonder in life. A girl that I love.
Its crazy to think that for about 5 years of my life, ever since I started writing this blog I was just a lonely hearted romantic on a quest for love. During my journey I was searching so much that I stumbled upon many obstacles, Katherine, Ali, Talia, Anna, Jo Ann, Reva, etc... The list goes on, but the list ends at Lisa. She is what I've been looking for.
Although, our sex life is kind of slow, we don't have sex all the time, sometimes I wish we did, but I know thats my human nature to want to. I mean fuck, I'm a guy, I love to fuck, but I know I have to take it easy. I can't always want sex or I'll just wear out my girlfriend. I feel like I'm just learning how much more climatic, and satisfying it is to wait a day or two before we have sex again. Its interesting, I'm learning a lot from Lisa.
She's had several relationships before me, and I've had none. She's like a teacher to me, but we are equal. We learn from our experiences, I sometimes feel like I have nothing to offer, but then something like Sunday night goes down and I feel like a hero :)
Sunday night, Lisa's purse is stolen whilst she is at work. She works up in Belen, New Mexico, which is a 20-30 minute drive from Albuquerque. Along with her purse, the thief has taken her keys, ID's, and money that she needs. After missing 4 of her calls since I was sleeping, I awoke to check the time and immediately called her. She sounded frantic and needed my help because one of her really close friends, Carlos, wasn't helping her at all. First things first, we had to move her car, so I got a ride from my neighbour, Jason. He drove me down to Belen, where I called in the troops (AAA) to tow her car. After having the car towed, we went back to Albuquerque to get her into her room so that we could grab her clicker to unlock her car. So then we drove all the way back to Belen, to unlock her car in order to gather her pillows and schoolwork. Afterwards we had taquitos :D and then we had to drive back to Albuquerque.
I felt like such a good guy after that night, showing how much I cared about Lisa and to what extent. I did everything within my power in NM to help her, it honestly wasn't much, but to her, I know it meant the world. She had no one to help her, and I was there. Thats how I want this relationship to be, and so far so good.
So on October 13th a train leaves New Mexico with two new lovers on it headin' back to LA. I can't wait to show her my hometown, its going to be a major shift in cultures. I know it, I can already sense it, but its making me so excited! I really hope my friends are goin to be down there while we are...
Aight, I'll write some more later.
Have a Good One
She helps me keep my smoking in check, we do school work together, I get up in the mornings on time (feelin' like a million bucks everytime), all the things that she does to benefit me all come from her essence of being around me. I know that this is only a factor of love, but its the most important one because I only sense improvement from her, and this is exactly what I need.
She cares about me, always has a compassionate voice when talking to me, we go out to eat almost everyday, and every time we have a blast. She's always willing to do stuff that I want to do, but I never ever let that take control because I do not want to be selfish. The funny thing is, neither does she, so our relationship goes back in forth with one another insisting we should something for the other, and only getting nowhere except falling in each others arms either laughing or just smiling.
I love holding this girl, I love being around her, I don't ever want to take my eyes off her. She's so beautiful in every aspect, that its almost crazy how much I'm falling for her, and so quickly too. I already told her two nights ago, "Im falling in love with you." Little did I know that I've already fallen, I'm just staring from the ground looking up at a wonder in life. A girl that I love.
Its crazy to think that for about 5 years of my life, ever since I started writing this blog I was just a lonely hearted romantic on a quest for love. During my journey I was searching so much that I stumbled upon many obstacles, Katherine, Ali, Talia, Anna, Jo Ann, Reva, etc... The list goes on, but the list ends at Lisa. She is what I've been looking for.
Although, our sex life is kind of slow, we don't have sex all the time, sometimes I wish we did, but I know thats my human nature to want to. I mean fuck, I'm a guy, I love to fuck, but I know I have to take it easy. I can't always want sex or I'll just wear out my girlfriend. I feel like I'm just learning how much more climatic, and satisfying it is to wait a day or two before we have sex again. Its interesting, I'm learning a lot from Lisa.
She's had several relationships before me, and I've had none. She's like a teacher to me, but we are equal. We learn from our experiences, I sometimes feel like I have nothing to offer, but then something like Sunday night goes down and I feel like a hero :)
Sunday night, Lisa's purse is stolen whilst she is at work. She works up in Belen, New Mexico, which is a 20-30 minute drive from Albuquerque. Along with her purse, the thief has taken her keys, ID's, and money that she needs. After missing 4 of her calls since I was sleeping, I awoke to check the time and immediately called her. She sounded frantic and needed my help because one of her really close friends, Carlos, wasn't helping her at all. First things first, we had to move her car, so I got a ride from my neighbour, Jason. He drove me down to Belen, where I called in the troops (AAA) to tow her car. After having the car towed, we went back to Albuquerque to get her into her room so that we could grab her clicker to unlock her car. So then we drove all the way back to Belen, to unlock her car in order to gather her pillows and schoolwork. Afterwards we had taquitos :D and then we had to drive back to Albuquerque.
I felt like such a good guy after that night, showing how much I cared about Lisa and to what extent. I did everything within my power in NM to help her, it honestly wasn't much, but to her, I know it meant the world. She had no one to help her, and I was there. Thats how I want this relationship to be, and so far so good.
So on October 13th a train leaves New Mexico with two new lovers on it headin' back to LA. I can't wait to show her my hometown, its going to be a major shift in cultures. I know it, I can already sense it, but its making me so excited! I really hope my friends are goin to be down there while we are...
Aight, I'll write some more later.
Have a Good One
Saturday, June 19, 2010
And I'm Back
Im back in my town and without any frown..
And Im back in my city, not feelin so shitty..
I guess getting out of town n takin a real break from everything is all I needed. Being in Hawaii, and getting to do what I did there, which included, going to Hana. One of the most beautiful trips Ive ever taken in my life, the lush rainforest, the droplets of nature's essence comparing in size to a golfball. We ended up stopping by a beach, called the Black Sand, where the sand is made of rocks. The contrasting color between green and black was so outrageously beautiful that I actually felt comfortable sleeping there...
Without any care...
Alone in the wild feeling so bare...
My eyes of wonder watch blankly, n stare...
And now being back in LA, having had the Lakers won, and feeling very refreshed about a new summer, I actually have this very good feeling in my gut about how things are gonna work out this summer. I feel as if, nows the time to move on, everythings changing, and so must I. Its what time does, it changes the beings within its moments. I cant deny that, as much as I dont believe time exists, there is still that essence of it within ourselves.
So Im not afraid to change.. Tomorrow, I plan on seeing my friends sober and hanging out with them like that since they dont do it anymore, and I also plan on being sober for my reunion, unless Russell wants to smoke. I'm beginning to choose when I want to smoke, instead of just doing it all the time. Kinda makes me feel better about myself, like I have more control over myself and my actions. Its kinda nice, but at the same time... I writing this fucking blog high! Haha, but thats cause I medicated myself in order to be able to get to sleep since it being 12:53 AM here means its 9:53 PM in Hawaii. Weed cures jetlag, let me tell you. Haha.
Alright well Im looking forward to a great summer, and hopefully all my friends are totally on board!
Have a Good One
And Im back in my city, not feelin so shitty..
I guess getting out of town n takin a real break from everything is all I needed. Being in Hawaii, and getting to do what I did there, which included, going to Hana. One of the most beautiful trips Ive ever taken in my life, the lush rainforest, the droplets of nature's essence comparing in size to a golfball. We ended up stopping by a beach, called the Black Sand, where the sand is made of rocks. The contrasting color between green and black was so outrageously beautiful that I actually felt comfortable sleeping there...
Without any care...
Alone in the wild feeling so bare...
My eyes of wonder watch blankly, n stare...
And now being back in LA, having had the Lakers won, and feeling very refreshed about a new summer, I actually have this very good feeling in my gut about how things are gonna work out this summer. I feel as if, nows the time to move on, everythings changing, and so must I. Its what time does, it changes the beings within its moments. I cant deny that, as much as I dont believe time exists, there is still that essence of it within ourselves.
So Im not afraid to change.. Tomorrow, I plan on seeing my friends sober and hanging out with them like that since they dont do it anymore, and I also plan on being sober for my reunion, unless Russell wants to smoke. I'm beginning to choose when I want to smoke, instead of just doing it all the time. Kinda makes me feel better about myself, like I have more control over myself and my actions. Its kinda nice, but at the same time... I writing this fucking blog high! Haha, but thats cause I medicated myself in order to be able to get to sleep since it being 12:53 AM here means its 9:53 PM in Hawaii. Weed cures jetlag, let me tell you. Haha.
Alright well Im looking forward to a great summer, and hopefully all my friends are totally on board!
Have a Good One
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Hawaii
So Im in Hawaii trying to give myself a break from life, but life will follow me everywhere because I am living. I may not be living THE life, but I am living A life. Things are really beginning to take a turn for the worst, things are catching up to me, and my close friends in LA. Im starting to believe what this guy told me before I went to college, "You'll find yourself with a lot fewer friends from high school once everyone moves on." Hes right... Sam's not smoking anymore, Matt's not smoking anymore, Nikzad and Lenny cant be in the company of one another anymore.
Everyones finding their own path, one that seems comfortable to them, one that really does separate themselves from others so that they can "grow up."
Now let me tell you what growing up is... Its living life... By makin daily decisions we decide upon a future that looks better for ourselves, but right now, this future, isnt looking too great because we're not living with each other on daily basis anymore. Our decisions now are based upon what experiences we had in college.
Sam really enjoys drinking now, thats understandable seeing as how he's joined a fraternity, and has smoked a lot of pot in his day. Plus, the path he's taking to be a neuroscientist is rough one and takes a lot of focus and effort, both of which smokin' on a daily basis wont help. Matt has almost the same reasons, he feels a loss in productivity, and can't focus his mind on the important things in life while smoking.
We've all changed, and I wont say for the worst, nor will I say for the better. We're not growing up, nor are we maturing. We're just living life as how we see fit, so I understand, and wont interfere with opinions or judgements. They can do what they want, and I will always be there for them as a close/best friend. One can never let materialism blind their judgement of making the right decisions when it comes to friends, and its a good things I've grasped that point of view.... That was Aidens problem, he couldnt understand friendship past materialism...
I love my friends, I love my family, I love myself, but I really dont love my life right now, and Im having a lot of trouble learning to love it because it seems right now, life is affecting me from a cause that doesnt come from me. Its coming from somewhere else, but I dont know where. Its almost as if theres this power that just doesnt like me, thats always out to get me. I understand being rewarded in life requires effort on my part, so I try to be a good person, and I try to be nice to everyone, but no one sees my troubles, no one understands the pain I go through everyday of my life.
I wake up in the morning with no one next to me to say, "I love you too." I have no one to turn to, no shoulder to cry on, no lips to kiss, no body to hold...
Im scared guys, I really am, and Im not scared of life or death, Im scared my confusion is going to get the best of me and Im gonna go crazy, literally. I need someone to show me that there are people out there who know what Im talking about, I need someone to show me they understand who I am and why I do what I do. Hence why I write this blog, because I want people to know.
Lastly, as for girls, I'm still really trying with Brittney, I dont want to give up, shes a girl I know understands me cause I've been talking to her for so long. Her logic, and points of views may be a bit twisted sometimes, but I love it, by not understanding, she somehow concludes life is perfect. I love that view on life, I want it somehow in my life. I've seen too much in New Mexico, I've experienced fear of loss to a new degree integrating the loss of love on 7 different levels. I'll go ahead and list em off for you to so you understand that I've lost, friends, respect, love, hate, desire, sleep, and food.
I worry that at the age of 19 Im going to lose my mind, and become this robotic being that doesnt acknowledge the world because the world doesnt acknowledge me...
But then again, who can acknowledge anyone when everyones living their own life...
Have a Good One
Everyones finding their own path, one that seems comfortable to them, one that really does separate themselves from others so that they can "grow up."
Now let me tell you what growing up is... Its living life... By makin daily decisions we decide upon a future that looks better for ourselves, but right now, this future, isnt looking too great because we're not living with each other on daily basis anymore. Our decisions now are based upon what experiences we had in college.
Sam really enjoys drinking now, thats understandable seeing as how he's joined a fraternity, and has smoked a lot of pot in his day. Plus, the path he's taking to be a neuroscientist is rough one and takes a lot of focus and effort, both of which smokin' on a daily basis wont help. Matt has almost the same reasons, he feels a loss in productivity, and can't focus his mind on the important things in life while smoking.
We've all changed, and I wont say for the worst, nor will I say for the better. We're not growing up, nor are we maturing. We're just living life as how we see fit, so I understand, and wont interfere with opinions or judgements. They can do what they want, and I will always be there for them as a close/best friend. One can never let materialism blind their judgement of making the right decisions when it comes to friends, and its a good things I've grasped that point of view.... That was Aidens problem, he couldnt understand friendship past materialism...
I love my friends, I love my family, I love myself, but I really dont love my life right now, and Im having a lot of trouble learning to love it because it seems right now, life is affecting me from a cause that doesnt come from me. Its coming from somewhere else, but I dont know where. Its almost as if theres this power that just doesnt like me, thats always out to get me. I understand being rewarded in life requires effort on my part, so I try to be a good person, and I try to be nice to everyone, but no one sees my troubles, no one understands the pain I go through everyday of my life.
I wake up in the morning with no one next to me to say, "I love you too." I have no one to turn to, no shoulder to cry on, no lips to kiss, no body to hold...
Im scared guys, I really am, and Im not scared of life or death, Im scared my confusion is going to get the best of me and Im gonna go crazy, literally. I need someone to show me that there are people out there who know what Im talking about, I need someone to show me they understand who I am and why I do what I do. Hence why I write this blog, because I want people to know.
Lastly, as for girls, I'm still really trying with Brittney, I dont want to give up, shes a girl I know understands me cause I've been talking to her for so long. Her logic, and points of views may be a bit twisted sometimes, but I love it, by not understanding, she somehow concludes life is perfect. I love that view on life, I want it somehow in my life. I've seen too much in New Mexico, I've experienced fear of loss to a new degree integrating the loss of love on 7 different levels. I'll go ahead and list em off for you to so you understand that I've lost, friends, respect, love, hate, desire, sleep, and food.
I worry that at the age of 19 Im going to lose my mind, and become this robotic being that doesnt acknowledge the world because the world doesnt acknowledge me...
But then again, who can acknowledge anyone when everyones living their own life...
Have a Good One
Friday, June 4, 2010
Another Dream Another Sorrow
Surprisingly Im up pretty early today, its 7:05 AM on a Friday morning during my summer break. This just isn't right, I was plannin on waking up early today at around 9, but not this early, but I cant go back to sleep because in my slumber I cannot escape the pleasantries that are my dreams.
How can one escape the dreaming process?
Its impossible, instead you are forced to sit back and watch a montage or live a moment that is actually not being lived. So, for instance, last night I had one of the sexiest, coolest, and most chill dream about Brittney ever. It was so good that when I woke up I felt this passion, this wanting, this desire for her. I still cant explain this feeling, but I know its not love, its lust.
And so I couldnt fall back asleep because I was too scared to, I didnt want to re-enter a dream that I know is only going to make me regret not pursing Brittney in a romantic manner, but no matter what I still cant pursue her cause it wouldnt be fair to her or I once I left for college again. This sucks. I want to be fuck buddies, but she and I are too close to put emotions aside.
I love her, dearly, and I cant get her off my mind...
What should I do?
Have a Good One
How can one escape the dreaming process?
Its impossible, instead you are forced to sit back and watch a montage or live a moment that is actually not being lived. So, for instance, last night I had one of the sexiest, coolest, and most chill dream about Brittney ever. It was so good that when I woke up I felt this passion, this wanting, this desire for her. I still cant explain this feeling, but I know its not love, its lust.
And so I couldnt fall back asleep because I was too scared to, I didnt want to re-enter a dream that I know is only going to make me regret not pursing Brittney in a romantic manner, but no matter what I still cant pursue her cause it wouldnt be fair to her or I once I left for college again. This sucks. I want to be fuck buddies, but she and I are too close to put emotions aside.
I love her, dearly, and I cant get her off my mind...
What should I do?
Have a Good One
Thursday, June 3, 2010
What Am I?
Yea, Im human, Im guessing we can all agree on that, and yea, you, the reader, probably does experience the harshness of life to a degree that surpasses mine in so many manners, so think of this as a reminder when I say, life really is shitty.
Where should I begin?
How about with Aggie? The last week where she and I couldve had the one miraculous night, never happened. I mean, this isnt something I should be that upset about right? Yea, you are right, except she gave me false hope, and thats one thing, as you all know, I cant and wont stand for. She told me every night that she'd hit me up, but she never did, instead on our last night together we shared a cigarette as I asked her if that last night would happen. She told me no, and that shes so caught up in graduation.
Let me ask you this Aggie, Im not angry at your actions or decision, but how about upset that you would'nt take the offer to just get away for a moment, and allow me, yourself, and that night, to represent the beauty that could've been.
Perhaps thats everyones flaw, no one can really handle self-control, the disciplining of ones mind to enjoy the pleasantries of life and not allow for ones emotion to interfere with decisions. But then again, emotion is almost a way of ethics and morals, allowing one to feel sorrow at a funeral, or to spare their loved ones life when they've transformed into a zombie (which I think is immoral, but thats a separate argument for another time).
I even wrote her two poems about my romantic feelings towards her, and nothing.
I know why she chose not to anything. She liked me a lot, and she didnt want to lose herself in a guy that would give her false hope in the end. We cant be hypocritical here. It really sucks that we both couldnt put those emotions aside for one last night, because I know we wouldve had so much fun together for last one time...
Alright, so lets see, even more fucked up shit going on in my life...
I owe this guy I rear ended $2,851.00 for a dented bumper and some plate thing behind the bumper that supposedly needs to be replaced. Go ahead and call me outlandish, or illogical, but I think that is way overpriced. I barely even hit this guy. It was ridiculous. He knows it and I think hes just trying to make the most of it... Or maybe not, I'll never know, but assumptions help me feel better about it, and sometimes giving yourself little white lies throughout the day allow you to get through it just a little bit faster.
Anyways, the whole reason behind me driving then was cause I was heading out to Brittneys place to chill with her at some campgrounds where I was going to be meeting several of her friends and maybe go swimming. The whole day was chill, we walked around the camp and talked, I met her friend Casey, plus I got to relax in a hot tub. She thinks I was bored and didnt have a good time cause I wasnt talking much, but honestly, its hard to fit in with her friends. They really arent like me, I want to talk to them and converse, but I just dont know what to talk about.
Now this is weird for me because I have the personality of lion, Im a fucking Leo, but I guess people really arent the same in their own individual way, but I was still able to keep my cool at least and just chill out.
At the end of the day she drove me back to my car which was parked at her house as I was telling her how much she meant to me, not in a romantic way, or a sensual way, but rather, that all in all life really sucks and that its nice to have something or someone to indulge yourself into whilst youre feeling the pressure of life. On that day I discovered why Brittney meant so much to me, because she helps me forget about the unfortunate shit that keeps happening to me... I love her for it
She crossed my mind tonight after I dropped off Nikzad and David, I couldnt stop thinkin about how much I missed her while I was away, and how great she and I were when we were first getting to know each other, and now we have this friendship that prods at my emotions telling me to do something more with her and yet I cant will myself to do it... Why? I dont know why... But I want to find out and try something out with her because I think its the only way I'll ever know for sure.
Hmm, anything else?
Oh! Doesnt really pertain to the shittyness of life.. But Katherine now has a boyfriend. I cant say Im jealous... Cause Im not...
I guess thats it, lifes been pretty relaxing/dull, but I think thats what summer is about for me. Just taking a fucking break...
Have a Good One and Don't Back Down
Where should I begin?
How about with Aggie? The last week where she and I couldve had the one miraculous night, never happened. I mean, this isnt something I should be that upset about right? Yea, you are right, except she gave me false hope, and thats one thing, as you all know, I cant and wont stand for. She told me every night that she'd hit me up, but she never did, instead on our last night together we shared a cigarette as I asked her if that last night would happen. She told me no, and that shes so caught up in graduation.
Let me ask you this Aggie, Im not angry at your actions or decision, but how about upset that you would'nt take the offer to just get away for a moment, and allow me, yourself, and that night, to represent the beauty that could've been.
Perhaps thats everyones flaw, no one can really handle self-control, the disciplining of ones mind to enjoy the pleasantries of life and not allow for ones emotion to interfere with decisions. But then again, emotion is almost a way of ethics and morals, allowing one to feel sorrow at a funeral, or to spare their loved ones life when they've transformed into a zombie (which I think is immoral, but thats a separate argument for another time).
I even wrote her two poems about my romantic feelings towards her, and nothing.
I know why she chose not to anything. She liked me a lot, and she didnt want to lose herself in a guy that would give her false hope in the end. We cant be hypocritical here. It really sucks that we both couldnt put those emotions aside for one last night, because I know we wouldve had so much fun together for last one time...
Alright, so lets see, even more fucked up shit going on in my life...
I owe this guy I rear ended $2,851.00 for a dented bumper and some plate thing behind the bumper that supposedly needs to be replaced. Go ahead and call me outlandish, or illogical, but I think that is way overpriced. I barely even hit this guy. It was ridiculous. He knows it and I think hes just trying to make the most of it... Or maybe not, I'll never know, but assumptions help me feel better about it, and sometimes giving yourself little white lies throughout the day allow you to get through it just a little bit faster.
Anyways, the whole reason behind me driving then was cause I was heading out to Brittneys place to chill with her at some campgrounds where I was going to be meeting several of her friends and maybe go swimming. The whole day was chill, we walked around the camp and talked, I met her friend Casey, plus I got to relax in a hot tub. She thinks I was bored and didnt have a good time cause I wasnt talking much, but honestly, its hard to fit in with her friends. They really arent like me, I want to talk to them and converse, but I just dont know what to talk about.
Now this is weird for me because I have the personality of lion, Im a fucking Leo, but I guess people really arent the same in their own individual way, but I was still able to keep my cool at least and just chill out.
At the end of the day she drove me back to my car which was parked at her house as I was telling her how much she meant to me, not in a romantic way, or a sensual way, but rather, that all in all life really sucks and that its nice to have something or someone to indulge yourself into whilst youre feeling the pressure of life. On that day I discovered why Brittney meant so much to me, because she helps me forget about the unfortunate shit that keeps happening to me... I love her for it
She crossed my mind tonight after I dropped off Nikzad and David, I couldnt stop thinkin about how much I missed her while I was away, and how great she and I were when we were first getting to know each other, and now we have this friendship that prods at my emotions telling me to do something more with her and yet I cant will myself to do it... Why? I dont know why... But I want to find out and try something out with her because I think its the only way I'll ever know for sure.
Hmm, anything else?
Oh! Doesnt really pertain to the shittyness of life.. But Katherine now has a boyfriend. I cant say Im jealous... Cause Im not...
I guess thats it, lifes been pretty relaxing/dull, but I think thats what summer is about for me. Just taking a fucking break...
Have a Good One and Don't Back Down
Monday, May 10, 2010
Contingency
Oh Contingency, Oh So Unique
Oh Contingency
Can you sense me
With all your potency
Or wait, lets see
Must I pay a fee?
At the cost of my soul
Give into your goal
Inspiring till Im full
Listening to your breath
That sweet lull
I lay next to thee
As I gently pull
The beauty that lies sleepily
Beneath the sheets so sheepishly
I wonder what you mean to me
And how this all could be
But never shall, and never will
So here we lie still
After a night of some pills and some thrills
This poem is meant to show how I felt that night
How I felt no fright, and felt all this might
How I could let go of the world
And just for a moment let love be unfurled
Now I sit outside
Waiting for you to some sit by my side
Jump in life's waters, hold my hand, and drift with the tide
Let go of strife's falters, walk with me through the sand, and come for a ride
But you wont come out
And no matter how much I sit and pout
I will not doubt
I know this will never change what is to come about
But please sit with me
Take my hand and watch my face light with glee
As I kiss you gently
And caress you soundly
I'll let this poem end here
I believe I've made myself quite clear
That its not you I fear
Or love I seek
Just for you to appear
And give me one night of beauty
Oh so unique
And so here I am once again, sitting by myself outside listening to music (Andy Mckee) and waiting for Aggie. I doubt shes gonna come out tonight, in fact I doubt that so much Im writing poems about it. I wish she would, but no matter how much I wish for it I know its not gonna happen and the one thing I hate giving myself is false hope.
Also Ive been hyping her up so much in my head for the past couple of days since she hasnt hit me up and or let me relieve everything that has been building up inside for her. I need to express it all and let it loose, I want her for one more night, but I wont... Because she cant hold true to her word... I mean maybe I really am taking this too far... Overthinking... My one and only flaw and yet my gift...
I keep looking up at her window, I just looked, shes not in the window. Once again, I wish she was. No ones around, and this would be the perfect time to really get some good alone time with her, especially in my room where I could play some music for us.
Well anyways, writing all this stuff in you probably isnt helping my problem overall... Not thinking about her...
Have a Good One
Oh Contingency
Can you sense me
With all your potency
Or wait, lets see
Must I pay a fee?
At the cost of my soul
Give into your goal
Inspiring till Im full
Listening to your breath
That sweet lull
I lay next to thee
As I gently pull
The beauty that lies sleepily
Beneath the sheets so sheepishly
I wonder what you mean to me
And how this all could be
But never shall, and never will
So here we lie still
After a night of some pills and some thrills
This poem is meant to show how I felt that night
How I felt no fright, and felt all this might
How I could let go of the world
And just for a moment let love be unfurled
Now I sit outside
Waiting for you to some sit by my side
Jump in life's waters, hold my hand, and drift with the tide
Let go of strife's falters, walk with me through the sand, and come for a ride
But you wont come out
And no matter how much I sit and pout
I will not doubt
I know this will never change what is to come about
But please sit with me
Take my hand and watch my face light with glee
As I kiss you gently
And caress you soundly
I'll let this poem end here
I believe I've made myself quite clear
That its not you I fear
Or love I seek
Just for you to appear
And give me one night of beauty
Oh so unique
And so here I am once again, sitting by myself outside listening to music (Andy Mckee) and waiting for Aggie. I doubt shes gonna come out tonight, in fact I doubt that so much Im writing poems about it. I wish she would, but no matter how much I wish for it I know its not gonna happen and the one thing I hate giving myself is false hope.
Also Ive been hyping her up so much in my head for the past couple of days since she hasnt hit me up and or let me relieve everything that has been building up inside for her. I need to express it all and let it loose, I want her for one more night, but I wont... Because she cant hold true to her word... I mean maybe I really am taking this too far... Overthinking... My one and only flaw and yet my gift...
I keep looking up at her window, I just looked, shes not in the window. Once again, I wish she was. No ones around, and this would be the perfect time to really get some good alone time with her, especially in my room where I could play some music for us.
Well anyways, writing all this stuff in you probably isnt helping my problem overall... Not thinking about her...
Have a Good One
Friday, May 7, 2010
A Crochet
A Crochet
A Crochet that starts the day
Reading, "You will die today."
But it will say
"Change your heart today."
And you will accept
That concept
About how love makes this world
And how when ones stomach has curled
To the thought of love being twirled
Remembering dancing in the moonlight
Living to give flight of a new shade of white
And even despite, all the strife, and the price
That comes with playing life as if with dice
Love can be the parasite of life as if like lice
But we only shave what is left our past
Finding ourselves attempting to cast
Saving our love in order to last
To keep our sanity
Even in the smallest of shanty
So take this as your last day
Give yourself to me and let us leave the dismay
Take flight with me and leave the night
Its not quite what you think I ask
Its not as complicated as a task
All I want is for you to love me so
To a point where I can bestow
All that I want to give
And so live this day as your last
Live it slow, not fast
And enjoy the cay that is life's paradise of experience
I actually wrote this poem two nights ago while I was waiting for Aggie, or Agatha as she is formally known. She and I made love, and it was wonderful. I experienced sensuality to a new level. I could smell her, I could taste her, I could feel her, and there was no holding any physical interaction back. We had that one night together and now I am still waiting for another night to unfold itself. I almost cant keep my anxiety at bay, I want her so badly now, and the weird thing is is that she asked me when we were in the middle of the deed, "How badly do you want me?" At that moment, I couldnt say that I wanted her as badly as I do now, but I wish I could back and show her how much i want her now and how much I want to make her happy.
Kinda sucks though because I know when I do it again with her I will want her more than how much I want her now, and so I question even going back. But I will, because I want to enjoy the moments for what theyre worth and not think about the future. Those future moments will in turn be better because I'll be able to express feelings that have been building up for the past couple of days.
God damn, well besides that shit, schools almost over and Im not sure how much Im looking forward to this summer. Seeing my friends is going to be awesome, but so many of them have changed, nothing is the same, and Im still in the realization of times effect on things. I guess my theory of times in-existence is but a criticism of its integration into society, and now Im realizing times relation to every moment and how these moments in life only contribute to the concept of time and the change that follows.
I cant even begin to elaborate on the change of perspective Ive obtained after attending my first year in college. I've realized self-control, self-discipline, personal hygiene, and my identity and how that identity of me is changing ever so rapidly with every semester. College really does help organize an identity for oneself. I did shrooms, I had sex, I tried new daily routines, but most importantly all this stuff really helped me grab that understanding of myself.
And so I have come to the conclusions, that I am no intellectual, that perhaps my main trait is loving. I am a lover, Im good at loving others, and I understand that inner love within every human. I understand that everyone is looking for compassion even if its not from me. I dont know one person that wants to be lonely on this earth, even it means being with yourself, you are not lonely. I want to be in everyones life, and not because of popularity, but rather I want to experience everyone, I want to love everyone unconditionally and know everyones story so that I can be apart of them just as much as they are a part of me when I see them passing.
Anyways, I think thats about it, Im gonna call my mom here in a few to wish her a Happy Mothers Day and hopefully get some money so Im not poor for these last couple of days I have here... Alrighty...
Have a Good One
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Late Nights
Ive found it really hard to sleep in New Mexico. Actually, Ive just found it hard to sleep in general. Im up at 5:15 AM writing in my blog. Probably not going to be a long one because I definitely dont have that much energy, but Im willing to write some things down, tell you all how every things been going.
I spoke with Katherine today, and had a wonderful conversation with her. I still miss her. A lot. But shes headed in a good direction, and all I need to do is not give myself any false hope. Force myself to believe something thats untrue because I like the concept behind it. Anyways, I still want to keep it friendly with Katherine, if shes down for something, then I am totally all for it.
Ok, now Im gettin sleepy. Thanks blog for comin in handy.
Have a Good One
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
A Springs Day
I stepped outside yesterday and the weather was beautiful, the world was just absolutely gorgeous. I felt like my insides were all tangled up as I fell in love with my surroundings. The most vivid scene. Green everywhere.
Its a start to a new life. I haven't really been thinking about girls since Katherine. I still will have that little piece of me that still loves her, and I can feel it. Every time I go on facebook I feel it. Every time I listen to certain songs. Every time I'm back in LA. She'll really never leave me. I read her blog last night, just because I was curious as to what was going on, and she's got another guy. This guy apparently hooked up with her and told all of his guy friends and his guy friends have been harassing her. I dont like this. I really dont. I was worried this was going to happen, and it has. I am not blaming myself. I am saying that this was definitely predicted way before she and I even got started. I want to be there for her, protect her, tell those guys to go fuck themselves. It hurts, because I want to be there.
She on the other hand, is not the same. We talked a little while ago, and all she said in the end was that she couldnt see us being "bff"s anytime soon. I knew what was wrong with our conversation. I wanted to say so much more to her. Tell her how great she is, how pretty she is, how much I miss her, how much I really still want her to be here. But I couldnt. Although I came to accept in our conversation that whats over is over.
"They got nothin' on you baby."
Anyways, lifes been so great. Ive been working out, summers coming up, and Im doing a lot better with my money. Every things been great. Life is fantastic! :D Especially Spring. Spring has made every thing so much more beautiful.
And so I wrote a poem about it:
A Springs Day
In the light of a dying day
As the trees slowly sway
To a rhythm that keeps me at bay
Me soul, bloated, contorted, aborted
I wait for a spark, a time to get started
And so on dusks like this
I tend to reminisce
As I think and miss
The bliss from a kiss
Is it really that bad to want someone so?
But let me as you this
Is it really that bad to love someone you know?
To let go of reality and move with the flow?
I want to take hold of a hand
Search out insecurities and take a stand
I want to hear trumpets from a band
As we both smile, laugh, and land
In a field of flowers so grand
I dream every night
And wake up sweating, in fright
That I seriously just might
Never see that light
But I never lose that hope
With feelings, unto which I can cope
Just another spring day
Throwing myself into the fray
Have a Good One!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Passion
I can't believe I'm up at this time. I have thoughts ambushing me left and right. I feel trapped, confused, with priorities and responsibilities. I've been really trying to get my life on track. I've been getting straight A's in college, and am currently getting my lifeguard license. I'm really looking to move out and get my own place. Life has been... Life. Its weird how the future just pushes on, pushes its way into your life. Its like you can never get a chance to really appreciate a moment for what it is. Life just moves too fast.
I'm full of passion. Passion I can't express. I know I miss her. I miss her more than a man would miss the daylight en-prisoned for life in a dark room lonely room. I loved her. And I still do. I know I do. I told her it would never leave me. I've definitely broken free from what was, an interesting state of affairs. But that passion, I yearn for it, I awake everyday and taste the sweet sensation of what I could make of it once again, what I could rekindle, but I don't do it.
I think about her everyday. Who the fuck am I kidding... And now she's talking about kissing other boys? I can't handle it... For almost a year now, I've been wanting nothing more than to kiss her. I mean, fuck, I'm not going to be that hurt by it. I'm not a little kid. I'm a man. I'm just upset... Perhaps jealous... I'm going crazy again, every time I think about her, I go crazy.
One things for sure though. I definitely know what's causing this. Its my passion. My love. My emotion. Its what's real. I know that too. The question is, is it what I want as a reality? So many questions, such little time.
Have a Good One
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
A New Story Begins
And so my new story begins, with new adventures and ambitions to be discovered and uprooted. I feel so full of life! This has to be one of the best feelings ever! Everything is going so well for me, I'm passing my classes, I've met this wonderful girl, and on top of all that I've been able to let go of the one I love.
Its been a hard past couple of days, but with me getting closer to Amanda, and me staying on top of my work, I've felt a lot better about everything that happened between me and Katherine. Even though I still miss her and will always want her in my life. I've moved on, I mean loathing around in puddles of my own tears everyday over a girl that I love who is not going to attend the same college as me? Ridiculous. Its her decision and respecting it is the best thing I can give her right now, not my sadness. Only a sense of pride, happiness, and support =)
Plus this new girl that I've met is very attractive. I mean not only on a basis of looks, which don't get me wrong, she's quite good looking, but also this attractiveness based on her. She's an interesting girl, and I like talking with her. I have a lot of fun when I'm around her too. This is the same girl I asked to coffee yesterday. She couldn't go for personal reasons I'm assuming, but its cool, because I'm going to have dinner with her tomorrow night. I cant wait.
Anyways, I guess I'll write here later. I've been trying to get back into writing in my journal and my blogs. So expect more of me.
Have a Good One
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The absolute
So the past couple of days have been quite interesting. First off, Me and Amanda connected on a whole different level than I wouldve expected to connect with her on, but I like it, she and I have become really close and its nice knowing theres someone where you are that knows you better than everyone else does.
But anyways I guess my real inspiration for beginning this new blog, was because I've been talking with this new girl I met.... I know... More girl problems, just what I need in my life right now... I dont want to play any games. I really don't, and all I did was ask her out to coffee tonight. Is that really that harmful? For me to want to get to know someone better?
Not even. Well she just responded, lets see whats up...
We're going, this is going to be tight. Im really excited to get to know this girl better :)
Have a Good One.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
A Man
I stand as a man
Before the girl that I love
I soar above
And realize that I am but a grain of sand
In the eyes of my beloved
Do you know how that feels?
To realize your insignificance
That at any moment that one girl
Could decide to twirl
And be in another world
I dont want to be torn
I dont want to be reborn
I want you, my dear
To be here, and never disappear
In the end its the fear that drives us
We take one look at what we have and we cuss
Not to cause a fuss
Its just
How can I turn my back on the girl I know and love
The one who fits like a glove
It wont be easy to be friends
But I just want her happiness
So if it means I have to mend
Wounds of sadness
Then so be it
Cause Id rather feel like shit
Than to have you lose your wit
Everyday I'll wake up to a thought of you
And how I wish everything could be true
And that it didn't feel as if we were stuck like glue
But I love you
And I know a day is due
When I'll have to let you go
But please don't let that show
I'd have to stoop so low
And even though I'd do anything for you
Im still a man
A man with a heart
A heart that can easily be broken
So be weary
Because hurt from you
A man like me cant handle
Have a Good One
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Fidget
Fidget
How I sit here and fidget
Counting the digits
With feelings
Only appealing
What is his being
He wants to be with you
But he is insecure
And unsure
If everything shown can be true
He needs a light
To be rid of the fright
To accept himself
Stow the past on a shelf
For more secrets
Taught and told
New and old
I begin to scold
And start to fidget
Begin counting the digits
Of my every Bridget
With a new beginning comes a new poem. A new realization of self. I understand why I am unable to sustain a relationship with a girl... And I know saying this is very unattractive to all women, but at least it gives me a foundation on where to begin...
I'm insecure about myself. I'm still trying to live up to expectations, anticipations, and understandings of others. I am not free. I havent been thinking on my own accord. I have been following trends and behaviours that I want to be because I see how happy other people are, and I want their happiness.
Perhaps Im depressed, maybe I cant grasp my own happiness because I dont know what my happiness is.
And so I've decided to keep an open mind. Form my identity, and really figure out what I like, who I like, and why I like whatever "it" may be.
Have a Good One
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Confusion
Confusion
As the illusion grows thin
I infuse within
To defuse my sins
But are my morals right?
Who am I to try and fight?
I have no excuse
I try to find the light
And only receive abuse
And so I become the recluse
Stuck in my head
I cant push further ahead
My feet like lead
With nowhere to go
I stand in the snow
Thinking who would want to sew
The tears and afflictions that I know
Whoever it may be
Show your face to me
And I will admire thy courage
And I will admire thy nobility
And so with fear and awe I stare into the white blank snow
Only trying to keep up with life's chaotic flow
I wrote this poem for one reason and one reason only. I'm confused. Everything that has been happening at this moment in my life, has just sent my head spinning in circles. I dont know whats right, or whats wrong anymore. I feel like I should just set up my own set of morals, but judgement is our reputation in this world. We are judged based upon our actions, and behaviours. What if my behaviours and actions are judged in the eyes of others as wrong? I mean Im a pretty DGAF (Dont Give A Fuck) kinda person. I really dont care what other people think of me. Its just when Im trying to impress someone, or perhaps Im trying to get to know someone better from my own self-intent.
Maybe Im just too much of a push-over. But push-over in the sense that I adapt. So I try to implement so many morals from others into my life. Trying to impress others and keep up a reputation with them as a good person.
I feel like I just shouldnt care anymore. Let people deal with me. Like me for me. Create my own justifications and moralities to use within this chaotic world that we live in to this day.
And then I begin to think. If only I had someone to share life with. Someone I could share personal feelings, opinions, ideas, thoughts, and justifications about my life and about the life that we would be sharing together.
Theres only been one girl in my life thats fulfilled that role. Shes the only girl I've ever said I love you to, and shes the one girl I know will always have an important role in my life. She knows her name, and shes most likely reading it now.
Anyways, I know that life is about the person perceiving it. Life is absurd. I know that to be true as well. Theres no such thing as fate. Only a perspective. And so life becomes chaotic with every waking moment as we try to decipher what we believe to be our problems, our mistakes, and our folly's.
Have a Good One.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
No More
I feel like I cant take it anymore. So many girls, all so great, all so fast. Theres just too many girls in my life right now and I almost feel like I cant handle it anymore. I mean as cool as it would sound to any fellow "dude" that I have all these "chicks." It just gets confusing, mentally, psychologically, emotionally... Ive felt attached to so many of these girls in their own special way.
I mean hell, fucking in every blog I write Im talking about some chick and how beautiful I think she is. Its always the same shit, but about a different person. So no, its not bullshit. Its true. I really did think that that girl was magnificent. Or I still really do think that this girl is the best. Now I think Im really going to take the time to clarify my whole girl situation right now. So I can choose a path and really set forth.
Im in the midsts of talking to Ali, a girl that I dated for awhile. Shes bi-curious and is now dating a girl in Minnesota right after breaking up with her long term boyfriend. The in betweens? I have no idea, but what I do know is what she did. Now I can sit here and call her crazy, call her illogical, but I wont, because she experienced what she experienced and whatever it was, whether it been the hurt from former relationships or the enlightenment of newer ones, it brought her to that conclusion. I cant blame her for it, or be mad at her, its almost not her fault in a sense. She has the potential, but I feel like I wouldnt be able to handle a full on dedicated relationship with her.
Amanda hasnt spoken to me in about 2 weeks since I had last told her I liked her. Im not sure if shes nervous or if she might be anxious to have me pursue her since shes probably never experienced a relationship with a guy like me and she doesnt want to get hurt in the process. I dont know and I doubt I ever will till I get back to New Mexico, which Im really nervous about because we havent spoken in awhile and now I just dont feel her in my life anymore... So if this doesnt go somewhere soon I'll drop out.
Lastly, Katherine. Shes the only girl that I feel compatible with. She understands me and I understand her. I've always felt this deeper connection with her, no matter where I am or what Im doing she somehow will cross my mind. I think about her a lot. What shes doing, what it would be like to have her here with me. So many "what if's" I know will never come true because she doesnt feel the same way about me. I love her. I know I do. I cant get her off my mind ever. Shes so much like me in literally every way that I've even envisioned marrying her. Its crazy. So I accepted it. I accepted the fact that I love her and theres nothing I can really do about it. She tells me all the time about how shes confused about me. I would do anything for her.
But as well know, love is agony. And the suffering that comes from it takes a big toll on everyones emotions, psychology, and mentalities. Its a fucked cycle of heartbreak and deceit. I see it every day. All I want is to be a good man, to be loyal and make the girl understand I am there for them. But at the same time, they show me compassion, caring, and understanding as to who I am and what I do. A.. How shall I say it.. A similarity in values... Is what one must look for in another.
And I cannot deny that I have found these values of mine within each and everyone of these girls. They have all been an experience and will continue to be...
Have a Good One
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