No More

I feel like I cant take it anymore. So many girls, all so great, all so fast. Theres just too many girls in my life right now and I almost feel like I cant handle it anymore. I mean as cool as it would sound to any fellow "dude" that I have all these "chicks." It just gets confusing, mentally, psychologically, emotionally... Ive felt attached to so many of these girls in their own special way.

I mean hell, fucking in every blog I write Im talking about some chick and how beautiful I think she is. Its always the same shit, but about a different person. So no, its not bullshit. Its true. I really did think that that girl was magnificent. Or I still really do think that this girl is the best. Now I think Im really going to take the time to clarify my whole girl situation right now. So I can choose a path and really set forth.

Im in the midsts of talking to Ali, a girl that I dated for awhile. Shes bi-curious and is now dating a girl in Minnesota right after breaking up with her long term boyfriend. The in betweens? I have no idea, but what I do know is what she did. Now I can sit here and call her crazy, call her illogical, but I wont, because she experienced what she experienced and whatever it was, whether it been the hurt from former relationships or the enlightenment of newer ones, it brought her to that conclusion. I cant blame her for it, or be mad at her, its almost not her fault in a sense. She has the potential, but I feel like I wouldnt be able to handle a full on dedicated relationship with her.

Amanda hasnt spoken to me in about 2 weeks since I had last told her I liked her. Im not sure if shes nervous or if she might be anxious to have me pursue her since shes probably never experienced a relationship with a guy like me and she doesnt want to get hurt in the process. I dont know and I doubt I ever will till I get back to New Mexico, which Im really nervous about because we havent spoken in awhile and now I just dont feel her in my life anymore... So if this doesnt go somewhere soon I'll drop out.

Lastly, Katherine. Shes the only girl that I feel compatible with. She understands me and I understand her. I've always felt this deeper connection with her, no matter where I am or what Im doing she somehow will cross my mind. I think about her a lot. What shes doing, what it would be like to have her here with me. So many "what if's" I know will never come true because she doesnt feel the same way about me. I love her. I know I do. I cant get her off my mind ever. Shes so much like me in literally every way that I've even envisioned marrying her. Its crazy. So I accepted it. I accepted the fact that I love her and theres nothing I can really do about it. She tells me all the time about how shes confused about me. I would do anything for her.

But as well know, love is agony. And the suffering that comes from it takes a big toll on everyones emotions, psychology, and mentalities. Its a fucked cycle of heartbreak and deceit. I see it every day. All I want is to be a good man, to be loyal and make the girl understand I am there for them. But at the same time, they show me compassion, caring, and understanding as to who I am and what I do. A.. How shall I say it.. A similarity in values... Is what one must look for in another.

And I cannot deny that I have found these values of mine within each and everyone of these girls. They have all been an experience and will continue to be...

Have a Good One