500 Days of Amanda

So I got a $60 iTunes gift card, which I used to go buy the movie 500 Days of Summer for my computer. I watched it last night at about 2 AM, and went to sleep. This movie is my favorite movie of all time.

Now the reason why I named this blog 500 Days of Amanda is because this blog is going to consist of what has been happening between her and I.

First I'd like to begin with the dream I had last night. Because Im most likely going to forget it in the future, but this is a dream I want to hold close to me, as I was holding her close to me in my dream. So pretty much I have no recollection on how the dream began. But the parts that I can recall, are ones that I believe matter the most.

Me and Amanda were slowly walking up and down the halls of Hokona. We did this for awhile, no saying a word... Then suddenly, I took her hand, and she looked me in the eyes... But this gaze she gave me was no normal gaze, it was this brooding gaze, a gaze that was searching within me. It was unlocking my past, my secrets, and more importantly my soul. She was looking right at it. I was in complete shock. I couldnt move. We were just staring at each other. Soon, she grasps my hand, and smiles. I smile back, and we keep walking.

Later on in my dream we find each other in my room. We had just finished redecorating it, and there was no one in there. I had a poem that I had written for her. It was the Phoenix poem that I had written in my previous blog about her. And so I read it. And then she kissed me, but unlike all my other experiences with kissing this one lasted, and it kept going. But this time I felt no need to hold back. At this point I knew that I really liked her, and wanted her.

The rest of the dream is a real blur, but I woke up with this yearning for her to be with me. But obviously, that didnt happen. Instead I got a very long message written for me to give me insight into her personal world, how she views herself, about how she knows guys are sexually attracted to her, but she wants more than that, she wants to experience a real relationship, and this has been what I have been searching for forever, and when I had first met Amanda I had this feeling deep down inside. This feeling of hope, of potential? Haha, no, but really I felt honored to have received a message like this from her, but at the same time. That yearning for her only grew. I almost couldnt stand it, I felt like I was about to fall over. So I called Ethen, and told him about everything, because I really didnt know what to do.

He told me to do what I wanted. And so I called her. She didnt answer, but I felt ready. I was ready to tell her everything, how I feel about her, what I envision everyday, and how attracted I am to her character and personality, and how much I want her in my life as more than just a friend. This whole adventure, has been one of the most interesting, and I really hope, in fact, I pray, that things work out, and if they dont, then so be it.

Well that was my night/morning.

She stayed with me in LA. I showed her around, and we had the best time together. I didnt want her to leave. But she had too. And within those 3 days, I was telling my friends how much I liked her and how much I wanted her, as in, have a relationship with her. All they kept telling me was that this was the perfect opportunity to really take advantage. But I couldnt, because what they were telling me to do, was to express a physical connection. To visit her in her room and try to "get" with her. But I couldnt, I was enjoying my time too much with her to want to make things weird or awkward, plus I really didnt know how to do any of those things as much as it would have been fantastic to have those experiences with her.

Theres really not much more that I can say, but I will conclude with. I really like her, as more than just a friend. And I want to pursue that, because I really have this feeling it will go somewhere. Especially since she thinks that every guy is attracted to her sexually and dont think that shes pretty for who she is...

Well Amanda... Im here to say... That I think you are the most wonderful and beautiful girl I have met... And I use these words wisely... Because you have shown me so much wisdom and so much spirit that I find myself very attracted to you.

There you go... Thats my blog... Thats how I feel about you, and I hope that you are reading this, which means that I gained the confidence and courage to actually show you this.

Have a Good One.

Phoenix

Phoenix let me fly

Soar by your side

Give way and just glide

Dont give in to pride

This is how my soul has died

And so I land

Look across the great band

And realize that I shall not demand

But rather old out my hand

And give entrance to something grand

I take flight once more

To impress the girl I adore

To show that you're

The one that I live for

I wrote this poem after listening to Phoenix. I thought of Amanda, and was inspired by the thought. She's just one of those girls in my life. I've fallen for her, and yet she's just one of those cases where if you wanted to or even tried to get involved with her, it would take much stability on your part to hold it together.

I see her everyday, obviously, since shes always hanging around Hokona. Shes always flirting with other guys, and saying that she would love to "do" things with them. I cant say Im opposed to it, but it definitely kills me a bit every time. I just dont understand. I think its because Im not moving in, and not making things clearer. I mean fuck, shes right here, no one else is in the room except for her and me, and all I can do is write in this blog. I just feel like I respect her so much that I would hate to make her into a "play-toy" as some people may call it.

But am I using this as my excuse? Because Im too nervous to ask her or do anything about it? Am I really that scared of judgment? I shouldn't be... And yet I am....

What to do...

Have A Good One

Should I Even Pursue

So I read this whole book about how sex works. Thats actually the title of the book "How Sex Works." And so here I am still a virgin, not having done more than making out and that was just once...

Am I to live my life without knowing what sex, passion... What love is about?

Am I stuck with a curse that will never be lifted due to my disposition?

What am I to do? I ask you...

It just kills me every time.

Am I nervous?

Does the competition really scare me that much?

Why am I such a coward?

All questions with no answers. I ask myself everyday how I still have yet to experience it. All of my friends have experienced more than me. I am still stuck here with none... None whatsoever...

See theres this kid here, his name is Trevor. We call him Cupcake. He's been pretty isolated all his life. Restricted by his family and his school. He was always the awkward one. Always trying to fit in with the wrong crowds and ending up making a fool of himself in the end. I always show whatever compassion I can towards him, without being an asshole. He got laid... Three times by the same girl...

I just dont get it. I look good, Im pretty cool, Im not a slob, and I work hard... Well every once in awhile I really try to get shit done. And yet Im still lonely...

Why?

Who knows...

Well like I did in the past, when everything started really creeping out on me. I will cower and be with myself till the storm blows over. The only thing that needs protection here is me.

Aight Im out.

Have a Good One

A Formal Introduction.

And so here I am. Just got back from my Astronomy Lab and figured out that Im failing. Who knows what other classes Im failing. Ive been falling behind so much this year, I've been screwing myself over so much that its gotten to a point where I can only hope everything gets fixed. Its going to take a shit-ton of effort on my part, but I'm willing. No more waiting, no more watching, no more will I ignore what life has in store. Im so glad that rhymed. I will take these things head on, accept them, and do it.... Because thats all I can do.

Anyways, I figured I should really clue you guys into what my dorm life is like. I havent explained any of that to you, the reader, and I have decided that if you are going to formally follow my life then you should know about the "household" I am currently living in.

So first off I live in Hokona, I wont give out any number to which room I am in since the stories I am about to tell could potentially come back to me. My room mate is Gavin, hes pretty cool. Hes never really around much, but when he is we hang out and have a good time. Usually just chilling in the room playing Call of Duty 4. Not too many adventures, just the MIP and a court run.

Ah and the second person I am about to elaborate on just walked in the room.Ethen and he's most likely going to be my room mate next year. Which would be SO tight. Hes really chill, loves to party and have a good time. Always has a high confidence, ready for anything, and has a love to go. And when I say go, I mean just go, do, and be. He is what a man is. Theres nothing more to really be said. Just a tight homie.

Then theres Cole, he lives right next door to me. Really into hardcore music, more considered screamo to others. I've never been one to be to judgmental about things. Especially music. So I went to couple concerts of bands that Cole really liked. I enjoyed them, and had a great time. He also does tattoo designing and hes going to design mine for me. Should be tight.

The last person I really feel like telling you all about is Axl, he has been pretty influential, and if I showed anyone this statement that know Axl theyd probably laugh at me, but Im serious. The stuff that he has been through and the different lifestyle that he lived from me can be put into comparison with the life that he used to live in LA. So many times he will understand where I am coming from, and what he does to help me, is laugh. And theres nothing more than I love in life than laughing.

Aight well Im done.

Have a Good One.

And so it continues..

And so it continues to be a sad love story, no matter state of mind has overcome me, no matter what environment I am placed in. Love, lust, emotion, will always drive my life. It really kind of sucks. I guess this kind of makes me emo now... Fuck. Haha. Whatever. So anyways, my life has taken so many turns up here in college its kind of ridiculous. Classes have become rough, its just been kinda tough to keep up with things. Plus the motivation. I cant explain how much my motivation has just taken a turn for the worst. Agh I cant even begin to explain how much my motivation, confidence, and self-esteem have just been turned upside down.

It starts with this girl Ali. Might I say I thought she was awesome at first, she was quite attractive, and she had spunk. I always loved a little spunk. Just made me a lot happier. Met her at this party, we played beer pong together, and had a great time. Ended up not getting her number and stealing it from a friend. I text her and we begin to hang out a lot more often. Mostly partying.... Nothing too intense. She was very touchy, she would snuggle on me, cuddle with me, really let me know that she wanted me there the whole time. Holding my hand... just the best. I was really falling for this girl, so I asked her on a date. We go out and the date ended in shambles with her feeling sick and going home. I ask her out again, we have a blast, and end up having our first kiss. It was wonderful I wrote her a poem. Here let me share it:

This

As I sit here

With my mind clear

I stare into the concrete

Remembering you beneath my sheets

A memory I hold to be

A memory that I know defines me

A memory which makes me think

About feelings on the brink

Of letting go

Unable to say no

Only here to support thee

To see your face light up with glee

Your happiness is my happiness

As your sadness is my sadness

Knowing that nonetheless

I will have to confess

And so I write this poem for just that reason

My mind convicted of its thoughtful treason

As of now I cannot envision me leaving

Always pushing, always heaving

That lovely emotion

That gives my body motion

Because with every notion

I see what is in store

Within the girl I adore

And so I find myself liking you more

Oh but what can I say

When I feel this way

Getting by everyday

Hoping these thoughts of you will stay

So let me take off this mask

And formally ask

For a kiss

Filled with bliss

So that I may not miss

This...

And thats pretty much it. We kissed and it was great. We had such a great time. I just wonder why this always happens to me. I have a great time for like a good 10 days with the girl and suddenly they go all crazy and end up not liking me. I dont get it, why the fuck would they do that. They rip me to pieces every time until Im nothing but a dwarfed nuisance in their life... Its a depressing thought, and it is the truth. But I've been changing, college has really changed me in a lot of ways. I've become a different man, and I feel as if this is not the truth anymore. That I am in complete control of my life.

This has really changed drastically. I've known this girl Amanda for awhile. I met her through my first girlfriend here, Savannah. She had lost her cellphone in the parking lot and Amanda found it. I was supposed to hang out with Savannah that night. So I was texting Amanda thinking it was Savannah haha. Good times. Really had no idea who I was about to meet. So anyways meet this girl named Amanda, shes pretty attractive. We blaze, and she freaks out. Soon she's coming by the dorms all the time hanging out with us more and more. Its really great having her around. So I decided to really take the time to get to know her on getting back from LA. She drove me back to the dorms, and we hung out for awhile. Then we hung out the next day, and she told me all these stories about her life, the shit that shes been through. She is the most interesting girl I know. Its kinda scary sometimes cause Im beginning to take this interest to a whole new level that Im not sure Im even ready for. Shes just so compelling, her character, her personality, I cant explain it. Shes just fun to be around. I open up. I asked her out to lunch today, she payed for me... But it was cool, we really got to sit down and talk, get to know each other better. And once again she didnt fail to impress me with her stories. It all just comes together and makes sense a lot of the time. Shes one of the most mature girls Ive ever met. And I think I like her. Im taking her out to dinner Friday. Im not going to jump to any conclusions, but Im gonna let her know that I like her. The person that she is. Maybe thatll get things started between us, which I hope happens.

Anyways, Ethen just left the room and here I am alone listening to Tiesto. Not much else to really say, I think Ive been a bit depressed lately and Im not sure why. Its been like this ever since Ive been back from LA. Its not right, I felt so alive the first semester and now, now, Im just my old self again... Aight, well I guess I'll just have to make do. Mind over matter right? Might as well. Ok well Im off. Excited to see Amanda again tonight.

Have a Good One.

College

I cant even explain to you howthis whole "college" experience has been like and how its affected me. Well, I guess I could try.

Lets start off with week one, which was band camp. I had a great time, met some really cool people. Expanded my consciousness at this guy Joes house. I didnt make the drumline, but thats only because it was quite the intimidating position, especially since I would be working/competing against people with a ridiculous amount of experience within their field of drumming (which was mostly just drumline). I met a guy named Zac who is really chill, but very down to earth with his felings and emotions, he adapts to society but keeps his dreams, his views, and ideals in place. His intentions could be considered some of a perfect being, and yet something is stopping him from being it. I have yet to figure out what that is, but I will sooner or later. I also met this girl, her name was Savannah.

Im going to start a separate paragraph for this story because this one is emotionally and mentally intense, probably not for you, the reader, but for me, the emotions and memories this story will stir up, will most likely leave me in shambles, as she did. Perhaps I could explain this better with the poem I wrote for that moment in my life:

Shadowed Expectations

Excited as ever

Expectations? Never

Responses? Of course clever

I wait outside

All emotions set aside

Knowing not to abide, its already been tried

Just roll with the punches

As time excessively crunches

My body slowly hunches

Putting my head down

Not hiding any frown

Just an overwhelming town

She steps outdoors

The girl I adore

I take one look and it burns to the core

Somehow my mind begins racing

Somehow I have lost all sense of pacing

Somehow I see no reason for chasing

She sits next to me

My heart fills with glee

Thinking hopefully

Words are exchanged

And ideals are rearranged

Soon the shot is in range

Although I must admit

Anxiety has hit me just a bit

But I go for it

The question I ask

You put on your mask

And set out on your "task"

Sensitive, Applied

Attentive, Tried

Repentive, Cried

I guess I understand

Why you tried to reprimand

But why would you take my hand?

Ask me to take a stand

Then tell me I'm banned?

I cant bare to see your beauty

Making me wish for continuity

Feelings holding strong to their loyalty

Tearing me up

Emptying my cup

Stumbling on my step up

Every night we had

Was never bad

But it was that last night when you taught this lad

How to be quite sad

My thoughts that resembled plaid

Repetitive with complications

A short ride stopping at its last station

Knowing I'll never be able to go back for affiliation

Well what's done is done

And even though I feel the stun

I know these experiences I will never shun

Probably one of my longest poems. Its about 2 1/2 pages in my notebook, and 4 pages in my journal. But yea, that pretty much explains what went down. We had a great first night, we went out to dinner, figured out that we share the same ideals and mentalities. I walked her back to her dorm, where we both shared how we felt about the moment, and we both ended up feeling anxious, so we decided to push through it and go out and seal it with a kiss. Romantic right? I thought so. We then sat under a tree in the rain. Her hand on my leg, my hand holding her close to me. It was probably one of the best moments Ive ever had in my entire life that I got to share with someone else, in a passionate romantic manner. The next day was even better. I had an early dinner with her, and we rested on the grass near the duck pond afterwards, touching each other, and listening to music. It was so comforting and relaxing we both almost fell asleep. Then we explored the library a little more as I held her hand. And I love holding hands, cause it shows the paths and directions one may go. Which sources back to determinism, where someone chooses to take a certain action passed upon their past and how they feel about certain things. Which I consider to be the best way to get to know someone. Just hold their hand. So then she kissed me goodbye and I saw her later that night, where I ended up making out with her for my first time ever. It was great. I broke a barrier with her that I was never expecting to break with someone. But I felt ready for it, since she admited that she liked me, so what was I to be nervous about, I went for it. What a mistake that was... The next day I text her, and we meet up, she wants to see my dorm so I show her around, we end up making out on my room mates bed, and then we walked back talking about random subjects. Then it happened, the worst experience of my life, other than experiences that contain a realization of mortality. She told me she didnt want to date me anymore and tried to cover up her reason with an excuse that didnt make much sense to me, at first she told me "Im not quite over my last boyfriend." To which I replied the next day, "You shouldnt wallow in the pain and tears forever about a lost loved one, rather you should pack up and move on, spreading the love you gained from your last relationship into a new one, so I would not be considered a replacement but rather another phase in your life." At which she looked at me with eyes that showed complete honesty and said, "Yea, I just dont like you anymore."

Just imagine.... Taking a titanium safe, filling it with iron bars, then dropping it from the top of the empire state building, right on my heart....

This was the first time where I ever really felt like my heart was actually legitimately broken...

It lasted for awhile, but then I decided to implement my own views on relationships, packed my shit up and moved on.

So then Thursday night rolls on by. Me, Cole, Miguel, Bryan, Alex, Renee, and a couple other guys went to a party. It was really fun. I played some beer pong against Cole and almost beat him. Played some pool with some girls. The party was just at its peak when I went outside to have a cigarette, and some guy runs outside yelling that the cops showed up. About half the guys in the backyard hop the fence. They all got busted first. I decided to stay with the majority only because I felt as if theres more strength in numbers. Which was stupid of me to even think. The hosts of the party began freaking out and didnt allow anyone to go outside, some even threatened us. So it turned into a hostage situation. The cops now had the right to enter the house. So they beat down the door with a battering ram. And we all got MIPs (Minor in Possession). Now I have a court date. Which sucks.

So then Saturday night, we all decide to drink. Pretty much that night ended in me puking all over the courtyard, being carried back to my room, and then blacking out on my bed.

This last week hasn't been as interesting. Expanded my consciousness with plenty of different people, and met another girl named Ashlee. I'm taking this one nice and easy. Shes really funny and fun to hang around with. But her intentions are not of finding someone to share moments with. She seems moreover the kind of girl that just likes to have fun. Which is a characteristic that I really like. I hope we can hang out more. I most likely will be asking her out to dinner sometime soon, but we'll see.

I wrote a poem about her actually:

Passion

You with your gentle composure

Me, seeking, after closure

But this is one instance where I don't feel so sure

Imagining moments where passion has its right to occur

Knowing the only way this will work is if nothing is stirred

Keep everything as it should be and hope to stumble upon this cure

Hoping that my soul is not broken again

Hoping to obtain

Love, without entrance to the fast lane

Take it slow, lean on my cane

This time I shalt not refrain

This time I will take hold of the reins

And bring passion into the soul that wanes

Yup, thats about it. New adventures tonight hopefully. This afternoon should be quite lazy. Relaxation.... Sounds good right now...

Have a Good One

Eternity of Summer

Just got out of seeing 500 Days of Summer. It was the best movie I've ever seen. All my points of view on love, on relationships. All of it is explained through detail in one movie. I didnt think it was possible, but according to this movie it is, and I most definitely agree that it is.

Life is absurd, the things that happen to us, the things we go through on a daily basis. Now theres three ways to explain why things like this happen.

Fate. A higher power that controls our lives and has things all worked out from begining to end. Maybe the majority of people believe in this due to religion? Or perhaps its because we look at the past and realize thats whats shaped us to what we are and what we should be in our future. So we feel as if our future as already been planned out for us. The movie does a great job explaining this in the begining with clips of the two from their childhood. Showing how they grew up and how it has effected them in their future. Although the movie goes off-course from this and proves to us that their past has nothing to do with the future, and that fate and this higher power have no real meaning in our lives because its our decisions our choices, that yes can be effected by our past experiences and usually are. Thats what makes us choose what we feel would be best for us, but the reason why we feel this way is not because of the way the past experience played out, but rather, what was more enjoyable for us. What we choose is what we want and what we want is happiness and fate has no jurisdiction for something like this.

Existentialism. The belief that fate is unreal, and that things happen for no reason. That past experiences are the past and the only TRUE meaning of life is the meaning of the moment that you are living in. Our existence is our meaning. Theres no reason for it. Its just how it is. Random happenings made this day the way it is, and the decisions you make in that day are all based upon how you feel in that direct moment That you should just take action because action is the only way that the moment will ever make life happen.

Determinism. That life is based upon past experiences. Need I say more? I think that all my other paragraphs pretty much explain what determinism is. But to give you a very short one sentence synopsis. Your life is already determined by the way that it has played out in the past, and that the future will only change, or even just stay the same. It only depends on the moment and the circumstances.

Anyways. love. How can I even explain it. Tom was right. You'll know what it is. Its not even a feeling. Its just what happens. Love happens. Accept it.

Have a Good One.

The Broken Pine Needle

The Breaking Pine Needle

The pine needle, sharp and straight in its stance

With no need to take action in advance

So fragile and yet it looks as strong as lance

If you manage to find one then please be warey of capture

Its fine, pick it up, feel the lightweight stature

Just be careful not to fracture

Because the strength only comes from its appearance and feel

It will never shed a tear nor heal

But please dont fear nor yield

It wants to be held, and yet handled with care

It wants its name to be yelled, but only if you are fair

And promise yourself that there wont be anymore tears

One dent, two bent, three to vent, four only because it is sent

To help you realize what it has lent

A broken pine needle, laying helpless on the ground

Hoping that tomorrow it will not be found

Well thats the end of the poem. It has a meaning to it. Most of my poems are due to self-experience. If you can find the imagery and understand what I am writing about then its all good over here, but Id rather not explain it to you, my reader, and its not because I dont trust the reader, its because its something that I want to keep in the back of my mind. Remember, and hopefully, one day in the future, implement the life lessons I have learned from what has happened.

Anyways, I understand that its been awhile since I've actually blogged. Perhaps I require life changing events in order for me to be compelled to write, but who knows right?

Well for the past couple of weeks, I've been full of tons of life and energy. I went to Italy, and had my first real experiences outside of this continent. Theres a lot to be said about Italy, its culture, its governmental system, its people, its history, all of it so admirable and intriguing in there own ways. Its funny because you do really realize how crappy America really is compared to other countries in this world. I realized it before and after my trip. You really do begin to feel the isolation of America, and how seperated it really is from the rest of the world. I'm not saying its bad to be different, I'm just saying that the stuff we do here, is old stuff compared to Italys history.

Here let me put it to you all in a different way, an analogy perhaps:

America is the pissy teenager, trying to learn self-control, and yet very ambitious about its own growth, but we're maturing so fast, that all our problems get piled up, and we never really deal with them accordingly since we're too into accomplishing more and more tasks. To either prove others that we're better than them, or just to prove ourselves that we are the best. We try to get things done on our own which is very courageous, yes, but we let that get the best of us, and soon we find ourselves becoming these self-righteous unwise beings that only act upon first thought.

Italy is the retired old man, living on a cottage on the English, or even better, the Italian countryside. He doesnt do much work, but when he does its only for his self-sustainment otherwise he just doesnt see it to be necessary. Hes had many experiences in his life, so he has come to an understanding on many ethical issues. Pretty much, all he does all day, is sit on a rocking chair, smoking a cigarette, and watching the world as it passes by.

So pretty much, the age difference is what seperates both countries psychologies. I expect America to gain this Italian mindset as time goes on. Whats going to be really interesting is to see if and how Italy progresses. So far it seems to me as if its going in the right direction.

Anyways, this trip was only a minor factor of my summer. Biggest thing was definitly me graduating high school and being done with all that bullshit. I mean I guess I cant really call it all bullshit. I do owe a lot to the teachers there, the ones like Mr Savage, and Dr. Apple. They were definite exceptions within the faculty. Its just funny being on my own. Finally. I feel like I have a lot more power in the decisions that I make, and that I can finally fuel my ambitions with this freedom. Everything is seemingly well, I sure hope it stays that way.

Theres a whole other story to how my summer is going, and it involves a girl. I really dont want to go into too much detail about it, because a lot of my blogs are about girls that I meet, girls that I care for, and girls that break my heart. This story begins differently and yet ends the same. With my heart in shatters, but this time, its not her fault, it was mine, and I recognize that, and so far its been a really hard process for me. Especially finding someone to share my sorrows with, because I always thought of her as someone I could do that with, but, it just doesnt seem right anymore if I did that.

Lastly, Im looking forward to college next year. University of New Mexico. Its going to be great. I've already met two people there. Ones name is Ryne and the other Gabin.

Ryne was supposed to be my roomate, but UNM screwed up his housing, and so he is now rooming with someone from his old school. He seems very mature, and very confident with what he does or wants to do. Hes a kicker, and is going to join the football team next year. I'm keeping to his promise the last time we spoke, that we will attend as many "Beginning school" parties as possible. Sounds fun to me.

Gabin is my REAL roommate. Hes quite the chill guy, theres not much I can really say about him because we've only met once on the phone. It was definitely a conversation I will remember forever:

"So tell me what do you do for fun?"
"Chill, listen to music, smoke."

"No...way.. You smoke?"

"Yea?"
"Oh thank god you do, I was afraid that I was going to get someone who didnt."
"I know man, shit haha."

It was very interesting and now I feel kind of ashamed because I left a dumb message on his phone last night because I was very "up there" if you can catch my drift. I mean it had a definite meaning to it, but overall the way I phrased the message was retarded I think I may call him today and apologize about that. I was having just too good of a time last night.

Well I guess this will be the end of this blog. I feel a need to call this guy anyways. Fix things up. Wish me luck tonight by the way. "She" is calling me, and I dont think Im ready.

Have a Good One.

And There'll Be...

I got the title to this blog from that song "5 Years Time", by Noah and the Whale. Theyre so much fun. Haha. The name sounds ridiculous at first, but the song is so...happy. Haha. I love those kinds of songs! Anyhoo. This weekend was actually spectacular. I spent my Friday with my buddy Nikzad and with Taylor. She and I had the funniest car ride up to Nikzads house singing to that Noah and the Whale song haha. We went to the Saint Francis fair. You know, I really like the feeling of those local fairs. Kind of reminds me of Aventureland haha. Its just got one of those childish feelings to them, and when I was there I had this like nostalgia. It was really fun, in fact it was an experience in my life that I've wanted to do. It was great. I wish I couldve taken her. But it didnt really matter. I was still, nonetheless, having a grand time. 

So then Saturday rolled on by, woke up pretty late. Got my clothes on and went to Louis' house. We celebrated his birthday. First we played some L4D at his house, then we traveled on over to the AMC where I had the most mind opening experience of my life in the parking lot. Then we went and saw X-Men Origins, which was a FANTASTIC movie. Afterwards, we headed on over to TGI Fridays. Where we had another one of those great experiential moments again. Sitting in the corner of the resteraunt, talking with some friends, kicking back, forgetting troubles or worries. It was superb, probably one of the best moments in my life. Soon we left and thought we had a party we could go to. But it wasnt really a party it was moreover a kickback, and we didnt know anybody inside, but Matt knew someone who was going, who never showed up. So Matt left, and Nikzad rang the doorbell, as I tried to explain to them what happened, but they told me that the kickback was already dead. So we just left. 

The end of the night ended with a delicious McFlurry, and a couple of goodbyes, as I drove home, listening to the Foo Fighters, and then she crossed my mind for a second. So I thought I should call her today, which I will later on. Confidence already booting up, just not this early lol. Aight well I'll leave you all be. I drew an awesome picture last night, that I'm pretty proud of lol. I'll show my friends tomorrow.

Have a Good One.

As the Night Continues

I want to add these two poems that mean a lot to me at the  moment within this blog. This first one has to do with anticipation hence its name "Anticipation". I wrote it when I was going through a very anxious situation. I was awaiting the arrival of some person who has yet to be named within here. So I wrote this poem:

Anticipation

Anticipation

What a proclamation

Lifes exclamation

Dedication?

What dedication?

Its all defaction

You see its all a formation

There is no retaliation

Only a temptation

It is but the fascination

Of the firmentation

The detonation

The inspiration

A creation

Of more expectation

Oh anticipation

How you are my inflamation

So the night went on, and I had a great time with this girl. And well, this poem has to do about a certain part of our night. One of those, as I said earlier, "interesting sequences".

Is It Okay?

Is it okay

If I say

No wait

It must be too late

It has to be fate

Or maybe its the day

To let everything go away

To throw everything to the fray

Ah, why do I do this?

How come I always miss

Stuck, with no feeling of bliss

But was it me that caused it to be this way

Or was it just my fear causing this dismay

Perhaps things will change

Perhaps I will rearrange

And so here I lay

Awaiting that month of May

Wondering, will it be okay

Well those are all my recent poems, I have a lot more in my journal. I just felt as if these two were most relevant to what we were talking about before. Anyways, I'm off again. Im superbly hungry. 

Have a Good One

Leavin' Early

Got out of school at 10:15. Wow, not as fun as I had thought it to be. After brewing a nice hot cup of tea. I stood outside, and looked at a tree. But to my glee. I figured that there really was no fee.  Just free. And so you see. This other part of me. Stuck in a world of bees. Just trying to be free.

Seriously how I feel right now. Man, this is so boring. I literally have NOTHING to do, except for write in you. I practiced my drums, took a couple of walks, listened to some music (danced and sang). I guess this is the boring side of life, the peaceful side to it all. No quarells or worries, just chilling. Its these points in my life where I realize how much interest really matters to everyone. Its an interesting concept lol. Ok, well Im off to just, I guess take a nap. Maybe schmooze on the couch a little bit. Who knows.... Hoping she calls. 

Have a Good One

On the Brink of an Ice Rink

Its funny, cause everytime I say I won't do something, I end up doing it anyway. I dont know why. Maybe its because I feel comfortable doing what I have been doing. I guess its harder to leave my comfort zone than I had thought. Fuck man. Well I guess it doesnt matter. Perhaps Im dwelling too much on the topic. Anyways I had an amazing Spring Break, with gambling, rockclimbing, surfing, and kayaking. It was fantastic. 

Gambling was super fun. I won 150 dollars, while my friends....well, I'll let them explain it if they want too. We went to the Morongo Casino, and stayed at Andrews condo. It was great.

I also finished refurnishing my room. Finally it looks clean. I'm so happy. I feel refreshed, in a physical sense.

As for all the adventurous activities I listed off. Our school did this Tiyulim week. It was so much fun, with Mr Lieb. Great, my mom just burst into the room telling me we have dinner"NOW!" Man I fucking hate that. Why would anyone stop my writing? Its a trance for me, my way to escape what is real to me. Its like my third perspective on life. Ok well, I guess I have to go to dinner. Sucks I didnt get to explain the more interesting stuff. I hope I can really get into my writing once I come back. 

And we're back. Well Taylor is now explaining everything to me. I'll write later.

Well Im back once again. Ok so now to the more interesting stuff. I met this amazing girl last night. I really wont say much about it, except for that it was night full of mixed emotions, and interesting sequences. I think, I..think, I really like this girl, god Alans gonna kill me for sounding all romantic and shit. Lol I love you man. But anyways, I hope to see her again soon. She just called me, trying to explain how she was acting last night. I let her know that it was nothing to worry about, and right when the conversation ended. I hung up the phone with this different sense. This sense that, she likes me too. This is going to be an experience that will live with me forever. I hope that this experience grows into a more life changing one. I'll write in you later man.

Have a Good One.

Time and Time Again

I wrote a new poem yesterday based on time. I was pretty bored in biology and had just finished having a conversation about quantum physics with Mr. kassebaum when I decided that I should write a poem about times inexistence:

Time

Time

The existence

Is like the open ocean

With no end, infinitely encircling the world

The white water, the deep black ocean

Emitting the fear and desire

To which I do admire

The never ending blight

Of civilizations might

Will soon find the endless enwrapment of the ocean

Taking what was once its

Unforgiving

Lest we forget what has brought us here

Lest we lose ourselves to every cheer

Of every crowd

Of every thought

Of every perspective

Whence we conquer all

Everything will fall

Its just up to us

To heed the call

Dont make a fuss

Become apart of us

Before we become the dust

Floating in the forever wind

Of the infinite itself

The cycle never dies

The cycle never cries

All focus has been lost

And at every cost

The relaxation takes over

Easing the end

But how can we say

That even to this day

That there is that end

That we cannot fend

Now why not lend

So that we can tend

To another trend

Round the bend

Revolution

Evolution

Unity and oneness

Will bring the new era

Of discovery and love

To move above

Fly like the dove

Giving that last shove

Pushing towards the infinite

Beacause with every rhyme

We lose time

And the existence dissapates and disintegrates with humanity itself


I wrote the whole poem in my journal, I made some tiny edits on this one, adding some new words, enhancing it I guess you could say. But anyways I went on to talking about times meaning and existence in my journal. And how this effects the idea of life and death, and how we can transcend beyond percieving just an organism dying, by reviewing the effects that come from a death, and how it may effect life in some way, but thats not to say that death can cause more death, perhaps through plague or disease. I'm just saying that theres this never ending cylce of life, and it can be seen as eternal in many different ways, as we still question our consciousness, and the electromagnetic energy from within our minds. Again, I still find myself questioning this, asking myself but how could they live on? Wheres their source of energy and power? Anyways, Oliver just came in and he wants to see my blog. So I'll talk to you later.

Have a Good One.

Dr. Manhattan and the Human Time Bomb

I saw the best fucking movie of my entire life. I want to say that it changed my life, but it didnt, it only boosted what is currently my view on society and humans as we know it.

Its all based on deevolution, our own human race turning on itself and killing one another because we have run out of "common enemies." I take that quote right out of the movie. That was probably the easiest message to get, and yes it did phase me. Although I choose to look at it in a lighter sense. Not in a violent one or a self-destructive one, of course we all know that is what comes of this, but I choose to see it as a sense of unity. We have not forgotten togetherness, uniting under one flag known as whatever "cause" we are supposedly fighting for. But why fight? Why not form this unity, this understanding of one another around love. Well, as Alan had put it, its a completely unrealistic idea and will probably never happen, which is true, but this is why Dr. Manhattan is my hero. He gave up a life of peace and solidarity to become the common enemy of the people we all have come to know and hate, humans. I'd like to change that to know and love, sucks that some of us cant see it that way...oh well. What am I to do about it, what are we all to do about it... Must one of us really put themselves in radioactive chamber have our molecules ripped apart as if they were nothing turning that person into a being simliar to a godlike creature? If you ask me, I would think that there would be no other alternative.

Whatever, thats my analyzation of the last couple of scenes in the movie, now for an analyzation on Rorschachs perspective on everything. He viewed humanity almost the same way I did. Full of a sense of perversion, drug abuse, an abuse of liberalism. Which I actually completely agree with. During these, as I would call it, Pre-Apocalyptic times, people are losing themselves in actual anarchy. I wont lie, I even find myself enjoying the occasional "afterparty." My views on society and government as a whole also, at times, lean towards anarchy. For instance, I dont believe in nationalism. I believe thats what tears us apart as a human race. Distinguishing ourselves as part of another country. I can't walk into a bar and not notice the think Russian accent from the guy sitting next to me, and of course the question will arise, "Where are you from?" and he will most likely reply, "From Russia." And maybe he might ask, "And where might you be from?" Now I have thought about a response to this question, and I think I've got it down, tell me how this sounds, "I am from earth." I may receive puzzled looks, who knows, maybe the guy will understand my standpoint, and nod his head ever so slight acknoledging my stance on nationality. But I'm getting way off topic, back to Rorschach. He points out his sickness with society, the perversion, the drugs, the violence. All of it just crude and disgusting. And yet, I can't disagree, as much as I love perversion, drugs, and violence, in a sense of seeing it on TV screens, and movie screens. He has a point. That without this stuff. We may be better off as human beings. Well, in the end, he ends up dying. I think he died because all of the interest was sucked out of the world. All the stuff that he hated and fought against was gone. So it was his time to move on because he couldnt last in a world where there was no hatred. It was his own hatred that killed him. His own depression. Well, this is just my opinion. I really don't know, nor can I remember the real reason, but thats something that will probably lead me to seeing this movie once more. 

One more thing, I just cant understand why the critics gave this movie mediocre reviews. Perhaps they are so shallow themselves that they don't understand the plot of the movie. Or maybe theyre trying to drive audiences somewhere else so that they all don't see the underlying messages within this movie, because one of them in particular had a lot to do with the media and its relevance to "interesting" and "dramatic" stories. Maybe these guys didn't want people to lose faith with the papers and magazines. Who knows? Again I don't. I wish I did, but I don't. 

Now, all we have left to do, is watch as humanity crushes itself with its own iron fist. As we all crumble beneath the fabrics of society so carefully woven, and yet so easily torn apart. Personally I can wait. But when that time comes. I won't be surprised, and I won't be expecting. I'm just here to live my life, and be Phil for as long as I can be. Ok I'm off to bed.

I hope that you all, Have A Good One.

Ugh

If theres one thing I hate more than anything in this world its being sick. I've been sick for about 4 days, going on 5, I hate this man. It's impossible to sleep at night, I'm coughing 24/7, I'm tired like all the time. The one thing that I really do miss is my friends. I feel quite lonely, being confined indoors. I miss the outside world. Like right now I feel alright, not too sick, just ok. But just watch at about I dont know, 5:00 I'll get really sick. I really hope that I am better by this weekend. It would suck if I had to spend my whole weekend at home being sick. Ok I dont know what to write anymore. So I guess I'm outta here. 

PS I hate coughing cause everytime I do it my stomach feels horrible

Have A Good One

The Sickening

Honest to goodness people need to learn to start thinking on a more trancsendental perspective. I mean it helps me understand moral situations and get through rough times. I'm not saying give yourself to faith and all that irrational bull crap. I'm just saying understand that you arent the "main scheme" of things. I mean sure this argument can be coutnered by obviously pointing out that we have free will, and are the "main schemes" that make our lives what they are, but on a wider view of things. Contraversies, debates, rationality, arguments, we are faced with all these things on a daily basis, from a personal perspective and from an international, even universal perspective. And I'm done with people always being unreasonable and idiotic when it comes to creating a solution to a problem. The solution is always based around our own stubborness and greed to have what we want, when we just can't seem to understand the other persons point of view, the other persons opinions, the other persons wants or needs, and I'm sorry but there is nothing to counter-act this argument I'm setting forth right here and now. We all know its a problem, and we all know how to solve it. I'm just waiting for people to heed the call of deevolution, and finally come to their senses that we are destroying ourselves from the inside out. Heres a way to look at it:

We are consuming ourselves from the inside out. Literally, from within our current species we are destroying ourselves. We are quite defensive to our outside, the things that we perceive the things that we feel from a literal outside view of our surroundings, but its time to look inside ourselves and find that we are more than what we think we are. That we have these emotions, these powers to effect directly or indirectly everything being hidden behind a illusion that society clouds us with. We can change it. Its just. No one chooses to see it. Mostly because we either done have the time nor the energy to open ourselves up and emerse ourselves into a world...no wait...a UNIVERSE, full of love and understanding.

I bet we're all wondering, why is he even saying this what sparked the motivation to write all this crap. Well I'll tell you. No one except Russell knows what I'm fucking talking about. Well, its those irrational, stupid, closed minded fools that we call 'nationalists' Enough with the fucking "Oh I have to protect my borders from incoming invaders.." What invaders?? Oh you mean US?! HUMANS?! WE'RE ATTACKING ONE ANOTHER?! Seems kind of upsetting right? I mean lets look at it from a different persepctive shall we? Lets say, some aliens come from some galaxy far far away, and they say "Lets capture the Earth." The another alien says to the alien calling for the invasion, "But why Captain." Then the alien in command gives the questioning alien a look of stupidity and says, "Look at their instability, they fail to unite under one roof, they can't quite understand that they are all of the same biological genetic mapping, and so they attack each other. Why not attack Earth? Its like the triceratops falling behing in its pack because its insides are fighting each other. This is when the predators attack, so lets do it before Earth is no more." 

The Earth is the animal, the living creature that keeps us 'the cells' functioning and living within this creature. If we keep fighting each other, either the earth will die on its own due to its own "infectious" disease known as humans. Or this so called "disease" will adapt and evolve to become the organisms we were meant to be. Keepers and protectors of the planet Earth. The one living creature that we all depend on for resources, and life.

So people, next time you feel yourself wanting to side with a radical opinion. Just say no. Now I'm not saying ignore it completely, acknowledge its existence, gain some knowledge from it whether showing you an opposite point of view or a similar one to your own. Then move on. Dont become close minded due to one belief. Just move the fuck on, and be that open minded individual that understands opinions, beliefs, and perspectives, without giving into any of them, but your own.

Phew, what a fucking buttload of words. I feel a little bit better. I hope we can fix this world before 2012, or the end maybe catastrophic. Anyways, I'm done writing. I kind of want to write more, but I dont know what else to write. My view on life is changing once more. Since I dont really have anyone of the opposite sex that I'm attracted too at the moment, but once I do. I'll have less to say about this depressing, "coming to an end" stuff, and more of that "lets understand emotion" junk. Ok, I'm outta here. See you guys later.

Have A Good One.

Pass

I totally owned my motorcycle class, and had so much fun riding one. I passed the motorcycle class, and found a love in life that I'll live with forever. 

I really want to go to Universal Studios right now. I'm watching the Oscars and I have the BIGGEST urge in the world to go on that Studio Tour. Haha. Aight I better get back to watching.

Have A Good One.

The Dark

I forgot to post my poem in my latest blog. So I'll just post it here:

Title​:​ The Dark

From dawn to dark

To every​ last bark

We both lie still​

After​ an eveni​ngs fill

Thoug​hts of you

Sound​ the very last queue​

My body slowl​y closi​ng

My dream​s rapid​ly hosin​g

The fire that burns​ for you

Like the anima​ls escap​e from a zoo

I stamp​ede those​ thoug​hts to crush​

Every​ meani​ng that broug​ht life lush

But why must I wait?​

For your soul to emula​te

Feeli​ngs deep down insid​e

Knowi​ng we both have tried​

To let loose​ those​ emoti​ons old

Begin​ning to feel the cold

Flow throu​gh my body like the mass flood​

From withi​n the heart​ that we gain the blood​

Incre​asing​ the confi​dence​,​ the coura​ge,​ the embra​cemen​t

Of a Wedne​sday eveni​ngs encas​ement​

In the dark that brigh​tens that night​s sky

Hopin​g once more that we can try

To see each other​ soon

Only for but one after​noon

I wait once more for that secon​d bark

To spend​ night​s anew,​ withi​n the dark

-End

I wrote this poem as I was taking a walk within my neighbourhood. The night sky was so compelling that I got lost in its never ending darkness, Lauren then crossed my mind for a little awhile, but then I was soon broken from this trance by several dogs barking at me, which at that point I ran home and wrote this poem. For anyone thats reading it. I'd like you to tell me what you think. Just an FYI (For your information) Mr. Savage (my current English teacher that attended Oxford in the UK) claimed it was a fantastic poem, and that I have some sort of "gift?" Haha. I love Mr. Savage. But anways, tell me what you think. I'd like more than just his opinion on this.

Have A Good One.

Tropicana

I love that word, Tropicana. I'm looking at this bottle of Tropicana Fruit Punch and the word just totally caught my attention. Now thats what I call a hooker....not the sexual kind...but the advertis- oh you all get what I'm saying. So anyways boy oh boy do I have a lot to talk about.

First off I'd like to acknowledge Russell. Since I was pretty pleased to hear that he reads my blog. Thanks Russell. :)

Secondly, I'm taking motorcycle classes tomorrow. It's going to be awesome. I mean people are coming from all sides on my decision to get my motorcycle license, and all I have to say is cmon, live a little you know? Everyones saying safety first. But how can I believe that? If I lived my life by the rule of 'Safety First' where would that get me in life? It'd definitly get me somewhere...But being cooped up in a little ball of safetyness (made that word up) isnt really how I view life. Sure, we only get one life to live, so why not make the best of it.

Ok I'm done with this numbering stuff. Too formal for me. I wasn't feeling the vibe, as I'm really not feeling it right now. I just wanted to post SOMETHING, cause it's definitly been awhile. Man, I really wish I knew what to talk about right now. I honestly dont know what to say. My minds been on this Lauren girl for like ever. Not in any obsessive way, just some stuff thats bothering me. I wont get into too many details about the current sitauation Im in cause Im really not in the mood to type a lot, and yet look at me I'm typing a whole fuckload of shit that probably has no relevance whatsoever to anything that I SHOULD be typing about. But heres what happened:

Pretty much she tells me to talk to her more, text her more, call her more, connect with her more, and all that junk. So of course I do, after our two hour conversation on the phone, which was completely unexpectant since we hadn't talked in two weeks time. Later on I text her, no response, I then call her the next day, no response, text her the next next day, nothing. I'm not one to be suspicious of anything, perhaps her phone was taken away, or maybe she got grounded, I wouldn't know. But anways Cleo offers to text her for me, to see if she responds back. Bam. Cleo gets the response. I think I'm in the clear. I text Lauren. Nothing.

I dont know what to make of this. Maybe shes playing me for all I know. Or maybe shes just not interested. Who knows. I just like to stick by the idea that shes just scared to text back. I know that its a slim chance that thats the reason, but at least it gives me a little comfort. To know that I'm still interested...because to be completely honest. I think I'm losing interest...I dont know if its good or bad. I feel like I'm hanging on to something that should never be, even thought I want it to be. 

Man, I really want to experience having a relationship so badly. Its consuming me. Its making me the opposite of what I need to be in order to get something like this. Perhpas I'm jinxing it by wanting it so much, or maybe I want it so much that I forget what I want, and end up losing what I actually need. Again, I dont know. In fact I never know. The probabilities in life are all weighed out with fate. And I'm not one to control fate or its existence persay. As much as free will has its good portion within fate. I always end up making the decision that puts me farther and farther away from my actual goal. A girlfriend.

Sucks though. I think I focus too much on the 'what I am worth' part, and end up becoming what I am not. Fuck man. Life makes no sense. I'm really starting to believe in this indifferent world where kharma has no place or meaning. Nothing that I want really works out for me, all I gain is experiences that I would never expect but end up loving. Im thinking that I should just stop trying for anything. Maybe thatll give me the chance to experience more, but then where does my motivation and my ambition to live go? Its all sucked down the drain. I dont want to lose that, because thats what gives me my purpose in life. To live life and experience all of its wonders. 

I wish I could go to outerspace man. Become that ever so needed and wanted star child that we all should aspire to be. We should all come to that understanding that we are the infinte due to our conscious minds. That our abilites and our powers exceed our physical world. We are a sentient race in this infinite universe, and we live on a planet full of life. Its just the illusion that society sets before us that doesnt allow us to experience what we really should. The outside. Adapting to society is simple, but we mustn't conform to it, and become it. We should acknowledge its existence, and live our daily lives off of it, but put our minds to the tasks at hand. No more of this mumbo jumbo bullshit we get taught sometimes. Lets open up our minds, our bodies, our souls, our consciousness. Lets understand the world, the galaxies, the stars, the universe. Lets become....the infinite.

Wow, I did have something to talk about. Haha. Alright, now I'm getting sleep, and I have to be up early tomorrow for my lesson. 

Have A Good One.

PS I got a new hat today :D

The Grabber of Interest

Grabbing interest sucks. It's easy to do, but afterwards, once the fire dies down. It sucks. 

Have A Good One.

Sore Bore

I am utterly bored and sore. Just got home from a MAJOR work out, and I'm dying. I can't even feel my arms right now, they're so numb. Anyways, I've got plenty of shit to talk about.

First off, I signed up for motorcycle classes. I'm hoping to get my motorcycle licenses. People keep telling me that they're unsafe, and very dangerious. Of course they are, and I'm really down to get one still. When people tell me this, the best response I can come up with is, "Hey man, I'm only looking to live life a little bit." And if they really piss me off, I say, "Hey man, I'm only looking to live life, maybe you should start living too." But thats not the main point. I'm just super siked/stoked, and when I get it, I know I'm going to have a lot of fun with my license and motorcycle (once I get my hands on one). 

Secondly as for education, I got into several colleges!! I got into UNLV, UCB (University of Colorado, not to be mistaken with UC Berkley), and plenty of the Cal States so far. I'm still waitin on UNM, my main choice. I can't wait to start anew. To finally be on my own, independently. Every teen aspires to that, but I feel as if I just want to get away ya know? Oh, and I also almost got straight A's for once. Except for my fucking Hebrew teacher, who gave me a D... God damn it. Whatever, I'm not one to be obssesive over grades. 

Ah now for the third newest thing going on in my life. I finally met Lauren. Wow. What an amazing time I had with her. I mean I know I've had real good times in my life before. But this was just absolutely unforgettable. Shes great! I really can't wait to see her again. I actually..kind of..miss her in a sense. I mean at times I'll find myself thinking about her. Not constantly, but you know...just at times. Really hoping she can go out Friday, but I probably shouldn't get my hopes up too much. She doesn't seem to siked about it. So, I'll let things come as they go, while I hope.

As for my FOURTH and hopefully not final thing. I have been writing a lot of poetry lately. I really never knew I could write poetry. People have been telling me I write pretty well. So I'll keep it up for self-benefit, and hopefully in my future, it will benefit the people around me as well. I just need to get better at portraying deeper meanings within my writing. Until then I'll just keep on writing. 

Alright, its getting close to Minyan time. So I better head on out. It was nice writing in here again. Its always fun to write about whats been going on, keeping a log on what I'm doing. Knowing the only people that read it are my close friends, but its ok. I'm happy with that. I'll be writing later! 

Have A Good One.

Beware a Hard Drink

Not quite sure why I used that as my title for this blog. It was a line in the play The Crucible. About the Salem witch trials. It begins with accusations, and ends with martyrdom. Interesting play. I would think that the real reason behind me using this as my title. Would be as something to quell the depression I am finding within me again. I promised myself I'd get rid of this, but its coming back. I really need to be rid of this completely.

The one thing I'm having trouble with, is that when I feel this way. Everything seems a lot more intricate, and intriguing. I can't explain it very well.

But hey, everything is alright. I've just gotta pick myself right back up, and move the fuck on. Keep trudging through the sludge of life. Climbing that highest peak, while wind blows down your back. You feel the shiver of life run down your spine, but you keep going. Keep layering yourself with experience. Keeping yourself warm from the harsh winds, the unforgiving cold. Till you reach the top. And once you're there. You can look down the mountain, past other mountains. Take in lifes wonders and glories, as you stare out over the horizon. Realizing that the earth is made up of so much more, and that you...YOU, are the meaning to everything. You, your perspective, your touch, your everything is the worlds meaning. No one else can say otherwise.

I get this feeling in my chest a lot. Where my heart feels like its soaring above the clouds. My mind jumps from place to place, as I imagine the world. Everything in this world. All my past experiences where I've felt or seen the world. That is my escape.

I can't wait to be loved again.

Have A Good One.

Just to Clear the Breeze

It really never worked out between Cleo and I, but at least she helped me finally get back in touch with my nature of expressing love in different ways. So ya, thats it.

Have A Good One.

Writing for the Sake of Writing

Here I am once more, ready to reveal my world unto you, my reader. I doubt anyone reads this anyways, at least unless I ask them too, or if its Alan. (Thanks buddy for reading all mine haha).

Anyways, sitting in my chair bored as I will ever be. I'm sure theres something I could be doing, but I can't really feel my left leg, it kinda fell asleep on me. So anyways, I have come to understand, at least what I think can be seen as, a little piece of the world around me. How love, hooking up, and all that business comes together, in this modern day and age. I guess people just dont give a fuck anymore. I mean alright, I guess Cleo doesnt share those same feelings I have, but whatever. I am understanding a lot right. The explaination would be immense, but I think I'll attempt to explain it.

It kinda goes like this. When someone needs something physical in their life, or someone to at least share themselves with another person, you shouldn't be closed up about it. Nor should you explode into some irrational explaination on how you feel inside. It sounded ridiculous when I first thought about it, but really in the end it all makes sense. Love is real, but love is defined by many in different ways. I'm an easy lover, I accept love quickly and I form feelings for people that are so profound, that even some people can't fathom for how much I love them. But I've decided to adapt, to get with the times, get with the people. Be a man of the modern day.

I can't keep living in fantasy worlds of love, or stories, and poems that I wish could be true. No. It doesn't work like that. If you want me to explain my older perspective of love, it would most likely go as written:

"When a certain gender becomes physically attracted to a different/same gender, and decides to live a small or large portion of their lives with them. When they decide to give up almost anything for that one person, and open up both physically and mentally. To show them the true you. The you that you wouldn't let anyone else see, except that one person you know and trust."

According to some people though, this is all bullshit, or at least a good reason to give up on someone.

I've decided to reform myself, become a different man than I once was, to approach love with more openness, and to withdraw emotions from it. I know it goes against my basic belief, that we are all humans, and given the right, and privilege to love. But I guess it just depends on how you approach it, and how you carry it out.

My new approach to this so called "love game", is to finally accept that I need to be open, stop saving myself, stop trying, stop talking, just let it all come to me. To be relaxed. I have seen the world through this new lens, and it looks fantastic so far. We'll see how this all works out in the future. 

Have A Good One.

3 M's

The three M's stand for, Most Memorable Moment, and I had one last night. Lets just get right to the point here, and say that we had our first kiss. Our First Fucking Kiss. I'm like beyond happy, I'm so happy, that when I go out today, my whole world had just flipped upside down, and everything seemed so bright and enjoyable. I mean, I've always seen that world, through unloved eyes, but today, today, it was different. It was like taking off your sunglasses for the first time, and seeing the world without any kind of lens.

The kiss was fantastic, it was just as I had dreamed it would be like. Parked on top of a hill, looking over the city, taking in all its wonders, and how beautiful it looks at night. I had promised her she could read my journal. So she did, she read all about how I feel about her. Then she read, a PS I added at the end of my last journal entry about her it read "P.S. - If you still haven't said anything Cleo I suggest saying it now, or at least giving me a kiss =)." The song I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie, was playing. She put the book up to her face, as she looked at me with her eyes squinting, trying to break free from herself, at least from what I could tell. Then we got into a conversation, if itd be alright if I did it. And then she did it. She kissed me. I can't even explain how happy I was. It was like....my life was complete. Not only did I feel so happy, but I felt confident. Like the whole world couldn't even stop me. I was ontop of the world, and nothing could bring me down. Even my car not starting afterwards didn't ruin the feeling I had. Louis came and we jump started it. It was pretty funny, and fun at the same time. 

I know I sound ridiculous saying this, but it was the most amazing experience of my entire life. I wish I could live it over and over again, I wish I had Cleo....with me now. But we can't always have what we want. So, I'll let her do what she wants, I am here for her, and she knows that I am here. I promised I wouldn't change, but how the fuck am I supposed to do that. I was touched, my heart rippled after that experience, I'm feeling feelings I've never felt before. God damm, I couldn't keep a promise like that. I love her so much. So much, that I would do anything for her. Shes all thats been on my mind all day, I'm not sure what to do anymore. I want to see her again so badly, but I know the situation shes in. I dont want her to be pressured, I dont want her to feel as if I'm the one she has to love. The one she has to see endlessly. I have to come to terms with that. As much as I love her, I wont make her feel weird about anything. I hope I can do this, please wish me luck..... Im going to need it.

Have A Good One.

"G"

Seriously, I can't fucking hold this hatred back any longer. You know those 59 50 hats or whatever? Well, I'm sick of them. I mean at first, I thought "Hey, these look pretty chill on those guys." A couple of my friends wore em. I thought they looked good in em, but then it got too big. This fad, for these hats has gone too far. People who DONT look good in them are starting to wear them. Some people just wear em, so that they can look "cool" or at least fit in with a crowd they probably shouldnt even belong in. Sure it was nice change of appearance at firt, but then it became something too big. Like really, if its not your crowd, and if its not your style. Then don't wear the fucking hat. It looks fucking ridiculous. Just STOP. And seriously, if you think it ACTUALLY looks good on you, fine. I won't say anything, in fact I'll just shut up, and let you live your life wearing that god damm fucking hat, until you realize, wow, what a stupid fucking fad I was into.

Sorry people, I just saw another friend of mine wearing that hat, and he was never like that. It changed him completely. Theyre ruining the style. Like I cant explain it. I..just...cant take it anymore, its making me sick. 

Ok, I got orchestra. 

Have a Good One.