Wednesday, December 2, 2009

And so it continues..

And so it continues to be a sad love story, no matter state of mind has overcome me, no matter what environment I am placed in. Love, lust, emotion, will always drive my life. It really kind of sucks. I guess this kind of makes me emo now... Fuck. Haha. Whatever. So anyways, my life has taken so many turns up here in college its kind of ridiculous. Classes have become rough, its just been kinda tough to keep up with things. Plus the motivation. I cant explain how much my motivation has just taken a turn for the worst. Agh I cant even begin to explain how much my motivation, confidence, and self-esteem have just been turned upside down.

It starts with this girl Ali. Might I say I thought she was awesome at first, she was quite attractive, and she had spunk. I always loved a little spunk. Just made me a lot happier. Met her at this party, we played beer pong together, and had a great time. Ended up not getting her number and stealing it from a friend. I text her and we begin to hang out a lot more often. Mostly partying.... Nothing too intense. She was very touchy, she would snuggle on me, cuddle with me, really let me know that she wanted me there the whole time. Holding my hand... just the best. I was really falling for this girl, so I asked her on a date. We go out and the date ended in shambles with her feeling sick and going home. I ask her out again, we have a blast, and end up having our first kiss. It was wonderful I wrote her a poem. Here let me share it:

This

As I sit here

With my mind clear

I stare into the concrete

Remembering you beneath my sheets

A memory I hold to be

A memory that I know defines me

A memory which makes me think

About feelings on the brink

Of letting go

Unable to say no

Only here to support thee

To see your face light up with glee

Your happiness is my happiness

As your sadness is my sadness

Knowing that nonetheless

I will have to confess

And so I write this poem for just that reason

My mind convicted of its thoughtful treason

As of now I cannot envision me leaving

Always pushing, always heaving

That lovely emotion

That gives my body motion

Because with every notion

I see what is in store

Within the girl I adore

And so I find myself liking you more

Oh but what can I say

When I feel this way

Getting by everyday

Hoping these thoughts of you will stay

So let me take off this mask

And formally ask

For a kiss

Filled with bliss

So that I may not miss

This...

And thats pretty much it. We kissed and it was great. We had such a great time. I just wonder why this always happens to me. I have a great time for like a good 10 days with the girl and suddenly they go all crazy and end up not liking me. I dont get it, why the fuck would they do that. They rip me to pieces every time until Im nothing but a dwarfed nuisance in their life... Its a depressing thought, and it is the truth. But I've been changing, college has really changed me in a lot of ways. I've become a different man, and I feel as if this is not the truth anymore. That I am in complete control of my life.

This has really changed drastically. I've known this girl Amanda for awhile. I met her through my first girlfriend here, Savannah. She had lost her cellphone in the parking lot and Amanda found it. I was supposed to hang out with Savannah that night. So I was texting Amanda thinking it was Savannah haha. Good times. Really had no idea who I was about to meet. So anyways meet this girl named Amanda, shes pretty attractive. We blaze, and she freaks out. Soon she's coming by the dorms all the time hanging out with us more and more. Its really great having her around. So I decided to really take the time to get to know her on getting back from LA. She drove me back to the dorms, and we hung out for awhile. Then we hung out the next day, and she told me all these stories about her life, the shit that shes been through. She is the most interesting girl I know. Its kinda scary sometimes cause Im beginning to take this interest to a whole new level that Im not sure Im even ready for. Shes just so compelling, her character, her personality, I cant explain it. Shes just fun to be around. I open up. I asked her out to lunch today, she payed for me... But it was cool, we really got to sit down and talk, get to know each other better. And once again she didnt fail to impress me with her stories. It all just comes together and makes sense a lot of the time. Shes one of the most mature girls Ive ever met. And I think I like her. Im taking her out to dinner Friday. Im not going to jump to any conclusions, but Im gonna let her know that I like her. The person that she is. Maybe thatll get things started between us, which I hope happens.

Anyways, Ethen just left the room and here I am alone listening to Tiesto. Not much else to really say, I think Ive been a bit depressed lately and Im not sure why. Its been like this ever since Ive been back from LA. Its not right, I felt so alive the first semester and now, now, Im just my old self again... Aight, well I guess I'll just have to make do. Mind over matter right? Might as well. Ok well Im off. Excited to see Amanda again tonight.

Have a Good One.

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