Lets start off with week one, which was band camp. I had a great time, met some really cool people. Expanded my consciousness at this guy Joes house. I didnt make the drumline, but thats only because it was quite the intimidating position, especially since I would be working/competing against people with a ridiculous amount of experience within their field of drumming (which was mostly just drumline). I met a guy named Zac who is really chill, but very down to earth with his felings and emotions, he adapts to society but keeps his dreams, his views, and ideals in place. His intentions could be considered some of a perfect being, and yet something is stopping him from being it. I have yet to figure out what that is, but I will sooner or later. I also met this girl, her name was Savannah.
Im going to start a separate paragraph for this story because this one is emotionally and mentally intense, probably not for you, the reader, but for me, the emotions and memories this story will stir up, will most likely leave me in shambles, as she did. Perhaps I could explain this better with the poem I wrote for that moment in my life:
Shadowed Expectations
Excited as ever
Expectations? Never
Responses? Of course clever
I wait outside
All emotions set aside
Knowing not to abide, its already been tried
Just roll with the punches
As time excessively crunches
My body slowly hunches
Putting my head down
Not hiding any frown
Just an overwhelming town
She steps outdoors
The girl I adore
I take one look and it burns to the core
Somehow my mind begins racing
Somehow I have lost all sense of pacing
Somehow I see no reason for chasing
She sits next to me
My heart fills with glee
Thinking hopefully
Words are exchanged
And ideals are rearranged
Soon the shot is in range
Although I must admit
Anxiety has hit me just a bit
But I go for it
The question I ask
You put on your mask
And set out on your "task"
Sensitive, Applied
Attentive, Tried
Repentive, Cried
I guess I understand
Why you tried to reprimand
But why would you take my hand?
Ask me to take a stand
Then tell me I'm banned?
I cant bare to see your beauty
Making me wish for continuity
Feelings holding strong to their loyalty
Tearing me up
Emptying my cup
Stumbling on my step up
Every night we had
Was never bad
But it was that last night when you taught this lad
How to be quite sad
My thoughts that resembled plaid
Repetitive with complications
A short ride stopping at its last station
Knowing I'll never be able to go back for affiliation
Well what's done is done
And even though I feel the stun
I know these experiences I will never shun
Probably one of my longest poems. Its about 2 1/2 pages in my notebook, and 4 pages in my journal. But yea, that pretty much explains what went down. We had a great first night, we went out to dinner, figured out that we share the same ideals and mentalities. I walked her back to her dorm, where we both shared how we felt about the moment, and we both ended up feeling anxious, so we decided to push through it and go out and seal it with a kiss. Romantic right? I thought so. We then sat under a tree in the rain. Her hand on my leg, my hand holding her close to me. It was probably one of the best moments Ive ever had in my entire life that I got to share with someone else, in a passionate romantic manner. The next day was even better. I had an early dinner with her, and we rested on the grass near the duck pond afterwards, touching each other, and listening to music. It was so comforting and relaxing we both almost fell asleep. Then we explored the library a little more as I held her hand. And I love holding hands, cause it shows the paths and directions one may go. Which sources back to determinism, where someone chooses to take a certain action passed upon their past and how they feel about certain things. Which I consider to be the best way to get to know someone. Just hold their hand. So then she kissed me goodbye and I saw her later that night, where I ended up making out with her for my first time ever. It was great. I broke a barrier with her that I was never expecting to break with someone. But I felt ready for it, since she admited that she liked me, so what was I to be nervous about, I went for it. What a mistake that was... The next day I text her, and we meet up, she wants to see my dorm so I show her around, we end up making out on my room mates bed, and then we walked back talking about random subjects. Then it happened, the worst experience of my life, other than experiences that contain a realization of mortality. She told me she didnt want to date me anymore and tried to cover up her reason with an excuse that didnt make much sense to me, at first she told me "Im not quite over my last boyfriend." To which I replied the next day, "You shouldnt wallow in the pain and tears forever about a lost loved one, rather you should pack up and move on, spreading the love you gained from your last relationship into a new one, so I would not be considered a replacement but rather another phase in your life." At which she looked at me with eyes that showed complete honesty and said, "Yea, I just dont like you anymore."
Just imagine.... Taking a titanium safe, filling it with iron bars, then dropping it from the top of the empire state building, right on my heart....
This was the first time where I ever really felt like my heart was actually legitimately broken...
It lasted for awhile, but then I decided to implement my own views on relationships, packed my shit up and moved on.
So then Thursday night rolls on by. Me, Cole, Miguel, Bryan, Alex, Renee, and a couple other guys went to a party. It was really fun. I played some beer pong against Cole and almost beat him. Played some pool with some girls. The party was just at its peak when I went outside to have a cigarette, and some guy runs outside yelling that the cops showed up. About half the guys in the backyard hop the fence. They all got busted first. I decided to stay with the majority only because I felt as if theres more strength in numbers. Which was stupid of me to even think. The hosts of the party began freaking out and didnt allow anyone to go outside, some even threatened us. So it turned into a hostage situation. The cops now had the right to enter the house. So they beat down the door with a battering ram. And we all got MIPs (Minor in Possession). Now I have a court date. Which sucks.
So then Saturday night, we all decide to drink. Pretty much that night ended in me puking all over the courtyard, being carried back to my room, and then blacking out on my bed.
This last week hasn't been as interesting. Expanded my consciousness with plenty of different people, and met another girl named Ashlee. I'm taking this one nice and easy. Shes really funny and fun to hang around with. But her intentions are not of finding someone to share moments with. She seems moreover the kind of girl that just likes to have fun. Which is a characteristic that I really like. I hope we can hang out more. I most likely will be asking her out to dinner sometime soon, but we'll see.
I wrote a poem about her actually:
Passion
You with your gentle composure
Me, seeking, after closure
But this is one instance where I don't feel so sure
Imagining moments where passion has its right to occur
Knowing the only way this will work is if nothing is stirred
Keep everything as it should be and hope to stumble upon this cure
Hoping that my soul is not broken again
Hoping to obtain
Love, without entrance to the fast lane
Take it slow, lean on my cane
This time I shalt not refrain
This time I will take hold of the reins
And bring passion into the soul that wanes
Yup, thats about it. New adventures tonight hopefully. This afternoon should be quite lazy. Relaxation.... Sounds good right now...
Have a Good One
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