First off I'd like to acknowledge Russell. Since I was pretty pleased to hear that he reads my blog. Thanks Russell. :)
Secondly, I'm taking motorcycle classes tomorrow. It's going to be awesome. I mean people are coming from all sides on my decision to get my motorcycle license, and all I have to say is cmon, live a little you know? Everyones saying safety first. But how can I believe that? If I lived my life by the rule of 'Safety First' where would that get me in life? It'd definitly get me somewhere...But being cooped up in a little ball of safetyness (made that word up) isnt really how I view life. Sure, we only get one life to live, so why not make the best of it.
Ok I'm done with this numbering stuff. Too formal for me. I wasn't feeling the vibe, as I'm really not feeling it right now. I just wanted to post SOMETHING, cause it's definitly been awhile. Man, I really wish I knew what to talk about right now. I honestly dont know what to say. My minds been on this Lauren girl for like ever. Not in any obsessive way, just some stuff thats bothering me. I wont get into too many details about the current sitauation Im in cause Im really not in the mood to type a lot, and yet look at me I'm typing a whole fuckload of shit that probably has no relevance whatsoever to anything that I SHOULD be typing about. But heres what happened:
Pretty much she tells me to talk to her more, text her more, call her more, connect with her more, and all that junk. So of course I do, after our two hour conversation on the phone, which was completely unexpectant since we hadn't talked in two weeks time. Later on I text her, no response, I then call her the next day, no response, text her the next next day, nothing. I'm not one to be suspicious of anything, perhaps her phone was taken away, or maybe she got grounded, I wouldn't know. But anways Cleo offers to text her for me, to see if she responds back. Bam. Cleo gets the response. I think I'm in the clear. I text Lauren. Nothing.
I dont know what to make of this. Maybe shes playing me for all I know. Or maybe shes just not interested. Who knows. I just like to stick by the idea that shes just scared to text back. I know that its a slim chance that thats the reason, but at least it gives me a little comfort. To know that I'm still interested...because to be completely honest. I think I'm losing interest...I dont know if its good or bad. I feel like I'm hanging on to something that should never be, even thought I want it to be.
Man, I really want to experience having a relationship so badly. Its consuming me. Its making me the opposite of what I need to be in order to get something like this. Perhpas I'm jinxing it by wanting it so much, or maybe I want it so much that I forget what I want, and end up losing what I actually need. Again, I dont know. In fact I never know. The probabilities in life are all weighed out with fate. And I'm not one to control fate or its existence persay. As much as free will has its good portion within fate. I always end up making the decision that puts me farther and farther away from my actual goal. A girlfriend.
Sucks though. I think I focus too much on the 'what I am worth' part, and end up becoming what I am not. Fuck man. Life makes no sense. I'm really starting to believe in this indifferent world where kharma has no place or meaning. Nothing that I want really works out for me, all I gain is experiences that I would never expect but end up loving. Im thinking that I should just stop trying for anything. Maybe thatll give me the chance to experience more, but then where does my motivation and my ambition to live go? Its all sucked down the drain. I dont want to lose that, because thats what gives me my purpose in life. To live life and experience all of its wonders.
I wish I could go to outerspace man. Become that ever so needed and wanted star child that we all should aspire to be. We should all come to that understanding that we are the infinte due to our conscious minds. That our abilites and our powers exceed our physical world. We are a sentient race in this infinite universe, and we live on a planet full of life. Its just the illusion that society sets before us that doesnt allow us to experience what we really should. The outside. Adapting to society is simple, but we mustn't conform to it, and become it. We should acknowledge its existence, and live our daily lives off of it, but put our minds to the tasks at hand. No more of this mumbo jumbo bullshit we get taught sometimes. Lets open up our minds, our bodies, our souls, our consciousness. Lets understand the world, the galaxies, the stars, the universe. Lets become....the infinite.
Wow, I did have something to talk about. Haha. Alright, now I'm getting sleep, and I have to be up early tomorrow for my lesson.
Have A Good One.
PS I got a new hat today :D
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