Hawaii

So Im in Hawaii trying to give myself a break from life, but life will follow me everywhere because I am living. I may not be living THE life, but I am living A life. Things are really beginning to take a turn for the worst, things are catching up to me, and my close friends in LA. Im starting to believe what this guy told me before I went to college, "You'll find yourself with a lot fewer friends from high school once everyone moves on." Hes right... Sam's not smoking anymore, Matt's not smoking anymore, Nikzad and Lenny cant be in the company of one another anymore.

Everyones finding their own path, one that seems comfortable to them, one that really does separate themselves from others so that they can "grow up."

Now let me tell you what growing up is... Its living life... By makin daily decisions we decide upon a future that looks better for ourselves, but right now, this future, isnt looking too great because we're not living with each other on daily basis anymore. Our decisions now are based upon what experiences we had in college.

Sam really enjoys drinking now, thats understandable seeing as how he's joined a fraternity, and has smoked a lot of pot in his day. Plus, the path he's taking to be a neuroscientist is rough one and takes a lot of focus and effort, both of which smokin' on a daily basis wont help. Matt has almost the same reasons, he feels a loss in productivity, and can't focus his mind on the important things in life while smoking.

We've all changed, and I wont say for the worst, nor will I say for the better. We're not growing up, nor are we maturing. We're just living life as how we see fit, so I understand, and wont interfere with opinions or judgements. They can do what they want, and I will always be there for them as a close/best friend. One can never let materialism blind their judgement of making the right decisions when it comes to friends, and its a good things I've grasped that point of view.... That was Aidens problem, he couldnt understand friendship past materialism...

I love my friends, I love my family, I love myself, but I really dont love my life right now, and Im having a lot of trouble learning to love it because it seems right now, life is affecting me from a cause that doesnt come from me. Its coming from somewhere else, but I dont know where. Its almost as if theres this power that just doesnt like me, thats always out to get me. I understand being rewarded in life requires effort on my part, so I try to be a good person, and I try to be nice to everyone, but no one sees my troubles, no one understands the pain I go through everyday of my life.

I wake up in the morning with no one next to me to say, "I love you too." I have no one to turn to, no shoulder to cry on, no lips to kiss, no body to hold...

Im scared guys, I really am, and Im not scared of life or death, Im scared my confusion is going to get the best of me and Im gonna go crazy, literally. I need someone to show me that there are people out there who know what Im talking about, I need someone to show me they understand who I am and why I do what I do. Hence why I write this blog, because I want people to know.

Lastly, as for girls, I'm still really trying with Brittney, I dont want to give up, shes a girl I know understands me cause I've been talking to her for so long. Her logic, and points of views may be a bit twisted sometimes, but I love it, by not understanding, she somehow concludes life is perfect. I love that view on life, I want it somehow in my life. I've seen too much in New Mexico, I've experienced fear of loss to a new degree integrating the loss of love on 7 different levels. I'll go ahead and list em off for you to so you understand that I've lost, friends, respect, love, hate, desire, sleep, and food.

I worry that at the age of 19 Im going to lose my mind, and become this robotic being that doesnt acknowledge the world because the world doesnt acknowledge me...

But then again, who can acknowledge anyone when everyones living their own life...

Have a Good One