500 Days of Amanda

So I got a $60 iTunes gift card, which I used to go buy the movie 500 Days of Summer for my computer. I watched it last night at about 2 AM, and went to sleep. This movie is my favorite movie of all time.

Now the reason why I named this blog 500 Days of Amanda is because this blog is going to consist of what has been happening between her and I.

First I'd like to begin with the dream I had last night. Because Im most likely going to forget it in the future, but this is a dream I want to hold close to me, as I was holding her close to me in my dream. So pretty much I have no recollection on how the dream began. But the parts that I can recall, are ones that I believe matter the most.

Me and Amanda were slowly walking up and down the halls of Hokona. We did this for awhile, no saying a word... Then suddenly, I took her hand, and she looked me in the eyes... But this gaze she gave me was no normal gaze, it was this brooding gaze, a gaze that was searching within me. It was unlocking my past, my secrets, and more importantly my soul. She was looking right at it. I was in complete shock. I couldnt move. We were just staring at each other. Soon, she grasps my hand, and smiles. I smile back, and we keep walking.

Later on in my dream we find each other in my room. We had just finished redecorating it, and there was no one in there. I had a poem that I had written for her. It was the Phoenix poem that I had written in my previous blog about her. And so I read it. And then she kissed me, but unlike all my other experiences with kissing this one lasted, and it kept going. But this time I felt no need to hold back. At this point I knew that I really liked her, and wanted her.

The rest of the dream is a real blur, but I woke up with this yearning for her to be with me. But obviously, that didnt happen. Instead I got a very long message written for me to give me insight into her personal world, how she views herself, about how she knows guys are sexually attracted to her, but she wants more than that, she wants to experience a real relationship, and this has been what I have been searching for forever, and when I had first met Amanda I had this feeling deep down inside. This feeling of hope, of potential? Haha, no, but really I felt honored to have received a message like this from her, but at the same time. That yearning for her only grew. I almost couldnt stand it, I felt like I was about to fall over. So I called Ethen, and told him about everything, because I really didnt know what to do.

He told me to do what I wanted. And so I called her. She didnt answer, but I felt ready. I was ready to tell her everything, how I feel about her, what I envision everyday, and how attracted I am to her character and personality, and how much I want her in my life as more than just a friend. This whole adventure, has been one of the most interesting, and I really hope, in fact, I pray, that things work out, and if they dont, then so be it.

Well that was my night/morning.

She stayed with me in LA. I showed her around, and we had the best time together. I didnt want her to leave. But she had too. And within those 3 days, I was telling my friends how much I liked her and how much I wanted her, as in, have a relationship with her. All they kept telling me was that this was the perfect opportunity to really take advantage. But I couldnt, because what they were telling me to do, was to express a physical connection. To visit her in her room and try to "get" with her. But I couldnt, I was enjoying my time too much with her to want to make things weird or awkward, plus I really didnt know how to do any of those things as much as it would have been fantastic to have those experiences with her.

Theres really not much more that I can say, but I will conclude with. I really like her, as more than just a friend. And I want to pursue that, because I really have this feeling it will go somewhere. Especially since she thinks that every guy is attracted to her sexually and dont think that shes pretty for who she is...

Well Amanda... Im here to say... That I think you are the most wonderful and beautiful girl I have met... And I use these words wisely... Because you have shown me so much wisdom and so much spirit that I find myself very attracted to you.

There you go... Thats my blog... Thats how I feel about you, and I hope that you are reading this, which means that I gained the confidence and courage to actually show you this.

Have a Good One.

Phoenix

Phoenix let me fly

Soar by your side

Give way and just glide

Dont give in to pride

This is how my soul has died

And so I land

Look across the great band

And realize that I shall not demand

But rather old out my hand

And give entrance to something grand

I take flight once more

To impress the girl I adore

To show that you're

The one that I live for

I wrote this poem after listening to Phoenix. I thought of Amanda, and was inspired by the thought. She's just one of those girls in my life. I've fallen for her, and yet she's just one of those cases where if you wanted to or even tried to get involved with her, it would take much stability on your part to hold it together.

I see her everyday, obviously, since shes always hanging around Hokona. Shes always flirting with other guys, and saying that she would love to "do" things with them. I cant say Im opposed to it, but it definitely kills me a bit every time. I just dont understand. I think its because Im not moving in, and not making things clearer. I mean fuck, shes right here, no one else is in the room except for her and me, and all I can do is write in this blog. I just feel like I respect her so much that I would hate to make her into a "play-toy" as some people may call it.

But am I using this as my excuse? Because Im too nervous to ask her or do anything about it? Am I really that scared of judgment? I shouldn't be... And yet I am....

What to do...

Have A Good One

Should I Even Pursue

So I read this whole book about how sex works. Thats actually the title of the book "How Sex Works." And so here I am still a virgin, not having done more than making out and that was just once...

Am I to live my life without knowing what sex, passion... What love is about?

Am I stuck with a curse that will never be lifted due to my disposition?

What am I to do? I ask you...

It just kills me every time.

Am I nervous?

Does the competition really scare me that much?

Why am I such a coward?

All questions with no answers. I ask myself everyday how I still have yet to experience it. All of my friends have experienced more than me. I am still stuck here with none... None whatsoever...

See theres this kid here, his name is Trevor. We call him Cupcake. He's been pretty isolated all his life. Restricted by his family and his school. He was always the awkward one. Always trying to fit in with the wrong crowds and ending up making a fool of himself in the end. I always show whatever compassion I can towards him, without being an asshole. He got laid... Three times by the same girl...

I just dont get it. I look good, Im pretty cool, Im not a slob, and I work hard... Well every once in awhile I really try to get shit done. And yet Im still lonely...

Why?

Who knows...

Well like I did in the past, when everything started really creeping out on me. I will cower and be with myself till the storm blows over. The only thing that needs protection here is me.

Aight Im out.

Have a Good One

A Formal Introduction.

And so here I am. Just got back from my Astronomy Lab and figured out that Im failing. Who knows what other classes Im failing. Ive been falling behind so much this year, I've been screwing myself over so much that its gotten to a point where I can only hope everything gets fixed. Its going to take a shit-ton of effort on my part, but I'm willing. No more waiting, no more watching, no more will I ignore what life has in store. Im so glad that rhymed. I will take these things head on, accept them, and do it.... Because thats all I can do.

Anyways, I figured I should really clue you guys into what my dorm life is like. I havent explained any of that to you, the reader, and I have decided that if you are going to formally follow my life then you should know about the "household" I am currently living in.

So first off I live in Hokona, I wont give out any number to which room I am in since the stories I am about to tell could potentially come back to me. My room mate is Gavin, hes pretty cool. Hes never really around much, but when he is we hang out and have a good time. Usually just chilling in the room playing Call of Duty 4. Not too many adventures, just the MIP and a court run.

Ah and the second person I am about to elaborate on just walked in the room.Ethen and he's most likely going to be my room mate next year. Which would be SO tight. Hes really chill, loves to party and have a good time. Always has a high confidence, ready for anything, and has a love to go. And when I say go, I mean just go, do, and be. He is what a man is. Theres nothing more to really be said. Just a tight homie.

Then theres Cole, he lives right next door to me. Really into hardcore music, more considered screamo to others. I've never been one to be to judgmental about things. Especially music. So I went to couple concerts of bands that Cole really liked. I enjoyed them, and had a great time. He also does tattoo designing and hes going to design mine for me. Should be tight.

The last person I really feel like telling you all about is Axl, he has been pretty influential, and if I showed anyone this statement that know Axl theyd probably laugh at me, but Im serious. The stuff that he has been through and the different lifestyle that he lived from me can be put into comparison with the life that he used to live in LA. So many times he will understand where I am coming from, and what he does to help me, is laugh. And theres nothing more than I love in life than laughing.

Aight well Im done.

Have a Good One.

And so it continues..

And so it continues to be a sad love story, no matter state of mind has overcome me, no matter what environment I am placed in. Love, lust, emotion, will always drive my life. It really kind of sucks. I guess this kind of makes me emo now... Fuck. Haha. Whatever. So anyways, my life has taken so many turns up here in college its kind of ridiculous. Classes have become rough, its just been kinda tough to keep up with things. Plus the motivation. I cant explain how much my motivation has just taken a turn for the worst. Agh I cant even begin to explain how much my motivation, confidence, and self-esteem have just been turned upside down.

It starts with this girl Ali. Might I say I thought she was awesome at first, she was quite attractive, and she had spunk. I always loved a little spunk. Just made me a lot happier. Met her at this party, we played beer pong together, and had a great time. Ended up not getting her number and stealing it from a friend. I text her and we begin to hang out a lot more often. Mostly partying.... Nothing too intense. She was very touchy, she would snuggle on me, cuddle with me, really let me know that she wanted me there the whole time. Holding my hand... just the best. I was really falling for this girl, so I asked her on a date. We go out and the date ended in shambles with her feeling sick and going home. I ask her out again, we have a blast, and end up having our first kiss. It was wonderful I wrote her a poem. Here let me share it:

This

As I sit here

With my mind clear

I stare into the concrete

Remembering you beneath my sheets

A memory I hold to be

A memory that I know defines me

A memory which makes me think

About feelings on the brink

Of letting go

Unable to say no

Only here to support thee

To see your face light up with glee

Your happiness is my happiness

As your sadness is my sadness

Knowing that nonetheless

I will have to confess

And so I write this poem for just that reason

My mind convicted of its thoughtful treason

As of now I cannot envision me leaving

Always pushing, always heaving

That lovely emotion

That gives my body motion

Because with every notion

I see what is in store

Within the girl I adore

And so I find myself liking you more

Oh but what can I say

When I feel this way

Getting by everyday

Hoping these thoughts of you will stay

So let me take off this mask

And formally ask

For a kiss

Filled with bliss

So that I may not miss

This...

And thats pretty much it. We kissed and it was great. We had such a great time. I just wonder why this always happens to me. I have a great time for like a good 10 days with the girl and suddenly they go all crazy and end up not liking me. I dont get it, why the fuck would they do that. They rip me to pieces every time until Im nothing but a dwarfed nuisance in their life... Its a depressing thought, and it is the truth. But I've been changing, college has really changed me in a lot of ways. I've become a different man, and I feel as if this is not the truth anymore. That I am in complete control of my life.

This has really changed drastically. I've known this girl Amanda for awhile. I met her through my first girlfriend here, Savannah. She had lost her cellphone in the parking lot and Amanda found it. I was supposed to hang out with Savannah that night. So I was texting Amanda thinking it was Savannah haha. Good times. Really had no idea who I was about to meet. So anyways meet this girl named Amanda, shes pretty attractive. We blaze, and she freaks out. Soon she's coming by the dorms all the time hanging out with us more and more. Its really great having her around. So I decided to really take the time to get to know her on getting back from LA. She drove me back to the dorms, and we hung out for awhile. Then we hung out the next day, and she told me all these stories about her life, the shit that shes been through. She is the most interesting girl I know. Its kinda scary sometimes cause Im beginning to take this interest to a whole new level that Im not sure Im even ready for. Shes just so compelling, her character, her personality, I cant explain it. Shes just fun to be around. I open up. I asked her out to lunch today, she payed for me... But it was cool, we really got to sit down and talk, get to know each other better. And once again she didnt fail to impress me with her stories. It all just comes together and makes sense a lot of the time. Shes one of the most mature girls Ive ever met. And I think I like her. Im taking her out to dinner Friday. Im not going to jump to any conclusions, but Im gonna let her know that I like her. The person that she is. Maybe thatll get things started between us, which I hope happens.

Anyways, Ethen just left the room and here I am alone listening to Tiesto. Not much else to really say, I think Ive been a bit depressed lately and Im not sure why. Its been like this ever since Ive been back from LA. Its not right, I felt so alive the first semester and now, now, Im just my old self again... Aight, well I guess I'll just have to make do. Mind over matter right? Might as well. Ok well Im off. Excited to see Amanda again tonight.

Have a Good One.