I don't remember much about 9/11. All I really remember was the aftermath, and how much that specific day affected Americans everywhere. I remember all the pain that was felt on that day, and I remember the vengeance that sank into everyones hearts. I really didn't know what to feel, I'm pretty sure at that age I had no emotional influence towards being an American citizen. I'm not sure if I even actually knew what it meant to be an American. Apparently our country was already heading to shit, but once again, I didn't know. Why would a 9 year old actually care? I just wanted to live and be happy. I wanted to play with my friends and not go to school. When 9/11 actually happened I was scared, yes, only because I realized the reality of the situation. For the first time I realized what it meant to be an American. Was I proud of it? I still can't say, but I do know to this day that this idea of nationalism, coming from both sides of this war on terror is absolutely absurd. People kill other people because they believe in something others don't believe in? They feel the right to kill others, take their lives, and oppress countries through imperialistic means is a completely okay act of revenge. Even America is to blame, more so than any Islamic Extremist. Islamic Extremists are but a recent fundamentalist group that rose from an anti-capitalistic foundation. Can you blame them? Do we blame ourselves for the country that we live in? All these questions, and then you really begin to wonder, what makes you an American?
To this day, 9/11 means a day where I cannot help but mourn the loss of so many lives. Lives that didn't deserve to be taken. The workers at the World Trade Centers, the firemen searching the debris attempting to save as many as they could, the passengers of the airplanes, even the pilots who hijacked them. I mourn for them all, because they all did not deserve to die. I blame every elitist, every capitalistic asshole, and ever fundamentalist dick. They have no idea what they are doing anymore. Humans aren't humans anymore. We've turned into monsters. We're like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, except we can't change back from Hyde. We are hiding in the mist of materialism, enshrouded by ideas that one day money will exist in our bank accounts, but these are all misconceptions to what life really is. Its treasured because of the miracles we experience on an everyday basis, and when 9/11 happened, a nightmare occurred.
Have a Good One
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
My Diva
This post is for my Creative Writing class as a response paper to the readings of My Divas. I am supposed to write about a hero in my life based upon those readings. I had a bit of trouble trying to relate the meaning behind my hero and the "divas" written about within the many stories. You know its kind of funny, I've had so many heroes in my life, and they fluctuate as I change and adapt to the circumstances of my life. A hero that will always stay in my heart though is my dad. I know it sounds cliche like I am 5 years old again, but in all honesty, there hasn't been anyone else in my life that's influenced almost every decision I've made in my life, except for him. I remember when I was in 7th grade, I almost committed suicide. My mother didn't believe I would do it, but the things I thought and said only made me want to do it more, but then my dad interjected. He told me I had so much to live for, that my life has meaning to it. I remember in particular my dad telling me that no one can tell me what to do. He will always be that influence in my life as I try to succeed in order to benefit my family. My dad has taught me that family means everything. He has taught me more than just that, he has showed me how to spiritually be in tune with myself. I've been using the pronoun he a lot in this segment, but I don't know how else to classify him. I guess I could start each sentence with, "my hero," but what would that do? This man, my dad, means more than just the pronoun he. My permanent and personal hero will always be my dad because he listens to me, he takes my advice as I take his. My dad knows more about the world than the average man, but he doesn't have anyone that will listen to him except for me. I take everything that he says and I implement it into my life in a whole new manner. I try to make him happy by accomplishing goals that fit expectations which aren't his, but rather my own. My success is all he cares about and he trusts me with his own success even if it doesn't involve experiences he can relive through me. I live by my own accord and my dad did the same, so he relives his past through my present even though it doesn't mimic it directly. There's not much more I can say about this man, I write and write and write and all I can think about is how dearly I love him.
I realize how privileged I am to have such a supportive dad. A lot of my friends in high school didn't even have dads, some had dads, but they had divorced my friends mothers leaving them with a father they occasionally saw on the weekends. One of my friends dads had schizophrenia, he left my friend's family and in his place my friend took a fatherly role to raise his two siblings with thought out ethics and logical rationalization. I know his two siblings and I can say with confidence that they very kind and know what is right and what is wrong based upon my friends experiences fulfilling a male role within his family. My friend will turn out to be a great dad and so will I, only under different circumstances.
My dad has not only taught me how to be a good person, but he has showed me how to be a husband and a father. He is that role model in my life that will go to the grave with me. All his stories and all the growing up I did with him holding me in his arms, holding my hand, showing me the way, and then leaving me behind with all his collectables and success. I am honored to have been raised by him and it will continue to be a pleasure to be raised by him.
Have a Good One
I realize how privileged I am to have such a supportive dad. A lot of my friends in high school didn't even have dads, some had dads, but they had divorced my friends mothers leaving them with a father they occasionally saw on the weekends. One of my friends dads had schizophrenia, he left my friend's family and in his place my friend took a fatherly role to raise his two siblings with thought out ethics and logical rationalization. I know his two siblings and I can say with confidence that they very kind and know what is right and what is wrong based upon my friends experiences fulfilling a male role within his family. My friend will turn out to be a great dad and so will I, only under different circumstances.
My dad has not only taught me how to be a good person, but he has showed me how to be a husband and a father. He is that role model in my life that will go to the grave with me. All his stories and all the growing up I did with him holding me in his arms, holding my hand, showing me the way, and then leaving me behind with all his collectables and success. I am honored to have been raised by him and it will continue to be a pleasure to be raised by him.
Have a Good One
Friday, October 21, 2011
Favourite Colour
This is another post for my Creative Writing class, and this one is about my favourite colour. Growing up I have always had many favourite colours, and it all starts in the middle of the rainbow with the colour green. Green has always been influential for me, especially during the spring. My eyes are green and every season they become greener with the life that sprouts from the earth. It resembles my happiness and freedom combined with rain that brings life to the green grass. I feel a cleansing of my soul every time I see, as if, life can restart and I can be reborn into whatever I wish. Theres really not much else I can say about my favourite colour, it exists and thats that. Green is the colour that attracts my attention the most, whether lime green, forest green, yellow-green, etc.. I will always find the colour green more attractive and vibrant than the rest. It represents what life is about, growth, allowing me to feel the sense of improving. I focus on benefiting myself through giving myself the freedom of being outdoors with the colour. I immerse myself within it to feel the emotions that it can bring to me. I wear the colour to emulate all that I would like to express through it, so that people can understand what I like.
Have a Good One
Have a Good One
Saturday, October 15, 2011
My Love Life is...
This post is for my Creative Writing class, its really intriguing that my teacher asked me to write about my love life in a blog post. Its what I've been doing the whole time I've kept this blog and it has always served in a manner that helps me logically think out any romantic situation I'm currently in. Right now I'm at my best friend Alan's house thinking, where and when did my life of romance begin. Alan has always influenced my life in a positive manner, he was always telling me how I could better for myself and improve my current circumstance by merely believing in myself. When, he and I had turned 16 he decided that it was time to open up to the sexual world and lose his virginity. I remember hanging out at his friends apartment and we were all talking about the last time we had sex. I kept my mouth shut because I hadn't done anything with a woman yet. All his friends had these amazing stories and I couldn't help but feel envious every time another story was told. At the end of that night they all asked me how far I had gone with a girl, and with no shame I told them all I hadn't even kissed a girl. Then they proceeded to tell me about this book named, "The Game." Alan would always reference it when we talked about picking up women. This book was full of pick up lines, strategic ways one could approach a woman in any environment, and ultimately an array of manners of how to get with that girl. Anyways, he lost his virginity before me and from then on out he became my sensei for romance. He would tell me how I should dress when meeting women, and he would tell me how I should present myself in a confident manner. What girl doesn't dig on a confident well-dressed man? We would get into more details about what one can do to turn the tide in a conversation so that the man is more dominating and desirable. Then that would shift into mutual comfort which quickly turned into intimacy in the lightest degree, and once you've found that intimacy the next couple of steps of getting that girl into your bed was pretty simple. It was the game, and it isn't hard to play. I find myself playing all the time, but the more you play, the more prone to injury you are. Love hurts.
My story starts in Middle School, I was bullied and no one liked me. I was the smallest in the grade which made it easier for people to pick on me and not to mention I was so friendly that people could easily take advantage of my trust, which many people did. I was abused physically and verbally throughout 7th grade, the bully who would pick on me the most was named Leonard, and now we are the closest friends ever. He used to give me atomic wedgies everyday, throw me against lockers, and one memory in particular always stands out. Once at soccer practice he picked me up above his head and carried me to the end of the field where the rest of the team was, he threw me on the ground and stepped on me with his cleats. The entire team joined in and to top it all off he took an orange traffic cone and started to beat me with it. It was fucked up, I know, but from hate comes love, and from love comes hate. Its the balance of the world, any loving emotion can usually trigger the opposite feeling through care, mistrust, or even, love, and vice versa. The bullying made me into the lover I am today. I don't hold back from love, and I've always viewed myself as a martyr for love so why not keep pushing myself to join the fray that could get me hurt? Love is that fray, and I've felt what it means to be rejected on a whole other level. Any personal rejection that comes my way, or any rejection from myself towards others is usually meaningless because I cannot deny this reality, I have no right to say what is just and what isn't. Everyone is an individual with their own agenda's, and I cannot be the one to create obstacles in their personal journey towards success. I am merely an asset, and I accept this, in fact, I've always believed that it has made me the bigger man. I am not afraid to be pushed around for love. I will always show compassion to others no matter how much they hate me. This is how you conquer love, this is how you overcome the pain, but this isn't how you play the game. Love heals.
There's one thing about love that has always kept me going, and that is, the ability to love anything and anyone. It gave me the opportunity to have so many wonderful girlfriends, it gives me the strength I need to support my family, and it allows me to love my neighbour unconditionally. To me, the essence of love is people. The fact of the matter is, being alone sucks and sometimes its better to be with someone than without. Loneliness stems from love and the only way one understands love is to understand the loneliness that can come from it. My love life is people. I love people. I love being able to share this planet with you all. Love is mutual.
Have a Good One
My story starts in Middle School, I was bullied and no one liked me. I was the smallest in the grade which made it easier for people to pick on me and not to mention I was so friendly that people could easily take advantage of my trust, which many people did. I was abused physically and verbally throughout 7th grade, the bully who would pick on me the most was named Leonard, and now we are the closest friends ever. He used to give me atomic wedgies everyday, throw me against lockers, and one memory in particular always stands out. Once at soccer practice he picked me up above his head and carried me to the end of the field where the rest of the team was, he threw me on the ground and stepped on me with his cleats. The entire team joined in and to top it all off he took an orange traffic cone and started to beat me with it. It was fucked up, I know, but from hate comes love, and from love comes hate. Its the balance of the world, any loving emotion can usually trigger the opposite feeling through care, mistrust, or even, love, and vice versa. The bullying made me into the lover I am today. I don't hold back from love, and I've always viewed myself as a martyr for love so why not keep pushing myself to join the fray that could get me hurt? Love is that fray, and I've felt what it means to be rejected on a whole other level. Any personal rejection that comes my way, or any rejection from myself towards others is usually meaningless because I cannot deny this reality, I have no right to say what is just and what isn't. Everyone is an individual with their own agenda's, and I cannot be the one to create obstacles in their personal journey towards success. I am merely an asset, and I accept this, in fact, I've always believed that it has made me the bigger man. I am not afraid to be pushed around for love. I will always show compassion to others no matter how much they hate me. This is how you conquer love, this is how you overcome the pain, but this isn't how you play the game. Love heals.
There's one thing about love that has always kept me going, and that is, the ability to love anything and anyone. It gave me the opportunity to have so many wonderful girlfriends, it gives me the strength I need to support my family, and it allows me to love my neighbour unconditionally. To me, the essence of love is people. The fact of the matter is, being alone sucks and sometimes its better to be with someone than without. Loneliness stems from love and the only way one understands love is to understand the loneliness that can come from it. My love life is people. I love people. I love being able to share this planet with you all. Love is mutual.
Have a Good One
Saturday, September 10, 2011
The Restart
09/17
Its about 745 AM and I cannot sleep. I awoke at around 545 AM, rolled over, hoping to grab hold of a physical entity, but my desires were lost in translation, I didn't have anyone over anyways. I have a new house, for you who don't know, its amazing, my roommates are the best and I've been learning how to take care of my own living environment. I can say for the most part, everything runs pretty smoothly and goes according to plan. Man, I can feel my eyes drooping, I have no idea why I got up so early, I just figured why not start my day? Heres something thats changed about me, I can't lie in bed anymore feeling lazy, I feel productive 24/7 and I cannot stop my ambitions from taking over my behaviours. Its been a ridiculous process, but here I am, barely standing, but feeling like I can stand forever.
I thought about death in the shower this morning, about how I actually fear not existing, how I fear the unknown, I havent been able to get over my fear of unpredictability, and it seems this fear is newly found. I've been having sex with this girl Ashley recently, just living and loving freely, I try to watch myself to make sure I can control my sexual desires, and so far so good. Recently I've been wanting her to come over, I can feel something inside me that wants her to stay here with me, and I question myself, is this really healthy? Am I really fulfilling what I've always wanted to achieve? Who the fuck knows, I probably shouldn't care. I live my life by my own endeavours:
My own endeavour, will soon leave me soar
Thinking of tomorrow and that next door
I'm nervous every night, I dont want to wake
I feel this feeling in my chest tighten and make
My core for sake, will take everything thats fake
So don't feed me lies while I attempt and try
I don't need to sit here and ask why's
I won't go to my room just to be lonely and cry
I want you with me, but you sit far and tease
I want you to see, but your wit only brings me to my knees
I don't try to make you mad, I dont want this to be some never ending fad
When will we look past the reality and understand the love
When will we look past the duality and understand we must shove
All that has made us sad, wondering just a tad
If we are with the right lad
All I want is your attention and for us to feel no tension
I feel fenced in, but I cant explain how I danced in
It was a feeling of joy for a moment
And I feel like a toy if I may comment
My love for you grows everyday, and there's no way to explain, why I feel so swayed
But after feeling the sun rays I finally understand why I grabbed your hand today
I want to share my loves with you, and I know every moment we share is right and true
I want you right now, don't burrow your brow
There is no denial of this love cause
My heart is right tonight, dont be blind, watch my eyes grasp yours tight
And you will find my plight to be right
I kinda like this poem, I found it in a post that was never published, so I decided to copy and paste it into this post, feeling as if it is only appropriate for the circumstance. I wish people would wake up already, its 8 AM now and I kinda want to relax, but at the same time, socializing would be really good for me right now. Every time, 3 weeks into my school year, these feelings come back that I need someone by my side, I dont know why I think of love so frequently. Its what keeps putting me in this position in the first place, I want to stop thinking about women, but I love them so much, in every little unique way.
09/27
I can't concentrate anymore, it feels like I am restarting, trying to become something new, something I've never experienced before. I'm always trying to experience more and more in my life. Sometimes it gets to a point where everything piles up and I cant handle anything anymore. Ashley sits 20 feet away from me, I want someone, but not under my own selfish pretenses, I really need to let this desire go and be with myself. I need to rediscover who I am, what I want to be, I need to just restart. This felt good.
Have a Good One
Its about 745 AM and I cannot sleep. I awoke at around 545 AM, rolled over, hoping to grab hold of a physical entity, but my desires were lost in translation, I didn't have anyone over anyways. I have a new house, for you who don't know, its amazing, my roommates are the best and I've been learning how to take care of my own living environment. I can say for the most part, everything runs pretty smoothly and goes according to plan. Man, I can feel my eyes drooping, I have no idea why I got up so early, I just figured why not start my day? Heres something thats changed about me, I can't lie in bed anymore feeling lazy, I feel productive 24/7 and I cannot stop my ambitions from taking over my behaviours. Its been a ridiculous process, but here I am, barely standing, but feeling like I can stand forever.
I thought about death in the shower this morning, about how I actually fear not existing, how I fear the unknown, I havent been able to get over my fear of unpredictability, and it seems this fear is newly found. I've been having sex with this girl Ashley recently, just living and loving freely, I try to watch myself to make sure I can control my sexual desires, and so far so good. Recently I've been wanting her to come over, I can feel something inside me that wants her to stay here with me, and I question myself, is this really healthy? Am I really fulfilling what I've always wanted to achieve? Who the fuck knows, I probably shouldn't care. I live my life by my own endeavours:
My own endeavour, will soon leave me soar
Thinking of tomorrow and that next door
I'm nervous every night, I dont want to wake
I feel this feeling in my chest tighten and make
My core for sake, will take everything thats fake
So don't feed me lies while I attempt and try
I don't need to sit here and ask why's
I won't go to my room just to be lonely and cry
I want you with me, but you sit far and tease
I want you to see, but your wit only brings me to my knees
I don't try to make you mad, I dont want this to be some never ending fad
When will we look past the reality and understand the love
When will we look past the duality and understand we must shove
All that has made us sad, wondering just a tad
If we are with the right lad
All I want is your attention and for us to feel no tension
I feel fenced in, but I cant explain how I danced in
It was a feeling of joy for a moment
And I feel like a toy if I may comment
My love for you grows everyday, and there's no way to explain, why I feel so swayed
But after feeling the sun rays I finally understand why I grabbed your hand today
I want to share my loves with you, and I know every moment we share is right and true
I want you right now, don't burrow your brow
There is no denial of this love cause
My heart is right tonight, dont be blind, watch my eyes grasp yours tight
And you will find my plight to be right
I kinda like this poem, I found it in a post that was never published, so I decided to copy and paste it into this post, feeling as if it is only appropriate for the circumstance. I wish people would wake up already, its 8 AM now and I kinda want to relax, but at the same time, socializing would be really good for me right now. Every time, 3 weeks into my school year, these feelings come back that I need someone by my side, I dont know why I think of love so frequently. Its what keeps putting me in this position in the first place, I want to stop thinking about women, but I love them so much, in every little unique way.
09/27
I can't concentrate anymore, it feels like I am restarting, trying to become something new, something I've never experienced before. I'm always trying to experience more and more in my life. Sometimes it gets to a point where everything piles up and I cant handle anything anymore. Ashley sits 20 feet away from me, I want someone, but not under my own selfish pretenses, I really need to let this desire go and be with myself. I need to rediscover who I am, what I want to be, I need to just restart. This felt good.
Have a Good One
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
A Crumbling Conclusion
Who would've ever thought, that feeling so confident, and so invincible in life could be taken away from you so quickly. Everything was great, I had a wonderful girlfriend, I was excelling at work, and I was actually able to hone in and focus in school. On April 4th, 2011, I decided to take a day for myself. I figured I had worked so hard to get where I wanted to be, so why not take a night off and just enjoy myself. I did, and ended having the best day, but even worst week of my life..
It started off with me studying for Math, I was doing so well on my homework that I didn't actually care what was about to happen next, in fact, I was inspired by the invitation that was approaching me, and decided to grab hold, to make something of an opportunity, as I usually do. Becca walks into the room, I lazily lay back in my chair, nonchalantly chewing my pencil, listening to electro house, waiting for work at 4. She tells me she's bored, and I tell her I'm feeling the same. I abruptly shut off my computer, packed my stuff, and exclaimed, lets go to the park, I'll bring a blanket, my soccer ball, and we can just have a good time. She was so happy, that her nods seemed like she was about to shake her head off, as she excitedly burst from the chair to get ready. The rest of the day, I decided to go out of my way, so that I could show this girl, and share with her, my time. I wanted us to live a moment together, to share an affection for one another, meaning, if one of us had randomly left the park midway fun, the other would feel obliged to follow, to stay close to a companion. This was my intention..
The day went so well, we played soccer, gave each other back rubs, watched puppies play in the park, talked about life and personal experiences. We were both so happy, but I guess, one may feel happier to be around the other, whilst the other may reciprocate with action under different intentions to be happy. Thats where life gets confusing, its not that someone led anyone else on, it's all just based on a level of artificial communication. A game that we all play to have that girl for the night, or even, for the rest of our lives. We beat around the bush to keep interest alive, and yet, if we were just blunt about things, we may be able to avoid the heartbreak, but love wouldn't feel like love anymore.
The reasoning to love, is that we cry when losing someone that we had spent much experience with, as well as, backgrounds that shaped someones well being, now ripped away by the absurdities of life's lineage motion. Love is pain and agony, and even though we get to experience moments of happiness as portrayed in the above paragraph, in the end, there will be suffering on someones part.
That night, I had several people over at my place for drinking, and chilling out. Becca was there, along with her roommate, and several of her other friends. They all left, and it was now 130AM, I decided to invite Becca outside to smoke a cigarette. At this moment, I told her, "I may regret this moment for the rest of my life if I don't ask this question, but, can I kiss you?" At which point she grabbed the back of my head, pushed my face to hers, as lips touched lips, euphoria entered my body, like nothing I had ever felt before. It was like I had gotten my first kiss all over again, here was Becca, an almost untouched beauty, with long flowing blonde mixed with brown hair. A face that welcomes the lover with innocence and desire. A facial complexion, and body that had me astounded, curves that seemed sculpted by Michelangelo himself, with a stance that says, "I am here, and I have entered your life, try and deny me, and you deny yourself of what is beautiful."
The next couple of days, I couldn't contain myself. I had changed back into the Phil that had received his first kiss. I was so, in love with the moment, so, in love with this girl, that I wasn't sure how to handle anything. She had been a friend of mine since the beginning of the year, Kymba's soulmate, a girl that I would turn to just out of interest. Becca, legitimately, interested me, as I had never met such a naive girl with such life and wonder. I had to know who she was, and so, every once in awhile, during my first semester Sophomore year, I attempted at getting to know her.. As a friend..
Well, after that night, she didn't want to do anything more but kiss me, as I was still with Sydney at the time. Heres where I began to feel like an asshole. I was so enthralled by desire and lust, that I fell in love, and fell out of touch with a girl that was actually helping me through a lot. I threw it all down the drain because I thought Becca and I would be perfect. I was so wrong. I had to tell Sydney that I felt happier with Becca, and that I didn't feel happiness with her anymore, she was just that asset in my life, she would just be "that" girl, and I didn't want that to be the case. She felt mutually and we broke up on good terms, but then I pursued Becca and fucked everything up. She was in my head and I couldn't get her out, my whole world was revolving around her, and I couldn't stop the revolution. She had officially taken over my behaviors. I hope that its easier to understand now, that it was me that went crazy, and it was near impossible for me to not feel the way I felt. I wanted her every second of my life, and I knew this wasn't the reality of the situation, and yet I forced it upon everyone.
I guess you could say, that the failure here, was a failure to communicate on both our parts. I tried to communicate with her, but ended up communicating with her entire community of friends first cause I couldn't get things off my chest so easily. Everyone was appalled, some applauded, some shamed, some depressed by my actions. I realized that how egotistical I had gotten, I had forgotten to consider others, and instead, only considered myself. There is nothing wrong with this in life, but, if you want to be happy, your happiness sometimes must emulate from others.
Now I sit here in class, alone, bored, and dreading work. I hate the fact finals are coming up, and my brain feels like its going to explode with the amount of priorities I've been forced to focus on. Its not because of procrastination, because I have yet to do that this semester. Its something else, and its not depression, its... loneliness...
Not like I haven't experienced this before, but wow, it sucks to a whole new degree currently. Especially when you figure out, a girl you invested so much love, care, and kindness into, turned their back on you just for one night, to hook up with someone who hasn't even done half the things I did, and would do, for her. Just a random dude, who probably had bigger muscles than me, or was probably more confident in his actions. Great job girls, you really made your reputation quite clear in my life.. Now look whos the asshole? You wonder why girls get called bitches sometimes, well heres your reason.. I'm not saying its bad, I even call myself a fuck, or an asshole, but you need to realize the moments where you've acted upon a situation in such a manner. You need to be able to say to yourself, "That was wrong, I dont regret my decision, but the guilt will kill me if I don't display even the slightest honesty to whomever I might've wronged."
Instead, this girl never told me, she told all of her friends, which were mine as well, and still no one told me. I think this was a pretty heartbreaking moment for me, I know shes gone, but I hate how when I'm a nice guy and all I'm rewarded with is bullshit. I'll still be nice, in order to prove to the world that everyone isn't THAT bad, and their intentions are usually of good nature. I just wish I was considered more, I'm not saying people aren't thoughtful as is, but it would just be appreciated a lot on my part if you thought of me first, before you acted. I try to consider everyone in my situations, and yet, no one cares about Phil's feelings, fuck Phil, he's too nice to care. Wonderful, thanks for trying to make me hate. Well guess what, I love you, and theres nothing you can do to change that.
Sydney ended up sleeping with my neighbour Chris, she's a nympho, not a ho, she just likes sex, and I have no right to blame her for what she did. The ONLY question I raise, is, was it really necessary to sleep with my neighbour? I'm pretty sure he's not the ONLY guy on the planet she could've rebounded with. I honestly don't care who she has sex with either, and I would prefer not knowing, but when you put ideas in my head whilst I see you walk into his dorm room at 1130 PM, drunk as fuck, and see you walk out at 730 AM, as you go to work. It just feels weird, it feels like, if that wall in my dorm wasn't there, it would've been impossible to avoid the sight of an ugly truth. I really wish you wouldn't have done that Sydney, it really wasn't right, and now its kind of hard for me to forgive you, as well as, Chris, for doing what you did, but I have. I made my amends with Chris, I talked to her about it, and I feel better, as if I have moved on, I just wish I didn't have to have that conversation.. Not during the haircut she was giving me, not about the truth, and definitely not about him.
I need someone to care for me, I really really do, I cant keep turning to my writing, or my security blanket for support anymore. My friends have their own goals and values in life, and here I am, just trying to make sense of things all by myself. Its a crumbling conclusion, and I'm stuck picking up the debris..
Have a Good One
It started off with me studying for Math, I was doing so well on my homework that I didn't actually care what was about to happen next, in fact, I was inspired by the invitation that was approaching me, and decided to grab hold, to make something of an opportunity, as I usually do. Becca walks into the room, I lazily lay back in my chair, nonchalantly chewing my pencil, listening to electro house, waiting for work at 4. She tells me she's bored, and I tell her I'm feeling the same. I abruptly shut off my computer, packed my stuff, and exclaimed, lets go to the park, I'll bring a blanket, my soccer ball, and we can just have a good time. She was so happy, that her nods seemed like she was about to shake her head off, as she excitedly burst from the chair to get ready. The rest of the day, I decided to go out of my way, so that I could show this girl, and share with her, my time. I wanted us to live a moment together, to share an affection for one another, meaning, if one of us had randomly left the park midway fun, the other would feel obliged to follow, to stay close to a companion. This was my intention..
The day went so well, we played soccer, gave each other back rubs, watched puppies play in the park, talked about life and personal experiences. We were both so happy, but I guess, one may feel happier to be around the other, whilst the other may reciprocate with action under different intentions to be happy. Thats where life gets confusing, its not that someone led anyone else on, it's all just based on a level of artificial communication. A game that we all play to have that girl for the night, or even, for the rest of our lives. We beat around the bush to keep interest alive, and yet, if we were just blunt about things, we may be able to avoid the heartbreak, but love wouldn't feel like love anymore.
The reasoning to love, is that we cry when losing someone that we had spent much experience with, as well as, backgrounds that shaped someones well being, now ripped away by the absurdities of life's lineage motion. Love is pain and agony, and even though we get to experience moments of happiness as portrayed in the above paragraph, in the end, there will be suffering on someones part.
That night, I had several people over at my place for drinking, and chilling out. Becca was there, along with her roommate, and several of her other friends. They all left, and it was now 130AM, I decided to invite Becca outside to smoke a cigarette. At this moment, I told her, "I may regret this moment for the rest of my life if I don't ask this question, but, can I kiss you?" At which point she grabbed the back of my head, pushed my face to hers, as lips touched lips, euphoria entered my body, like nothing I had ever felt before. It was like I had gotten my first kiss all over again, here was Becca, an almost untouched beauty, with long flowing blonde mixed with brown hair. A face that welcomes the lover with innocence and desire. A facial complexion, and body that had me astounded, curves that seemed sculpted by Michelangelo himself, with a stance that says, "I am here, and I have entered your life, try and deny me, and you deny yourself of what is beautiful."
The next couple of days, I couldn't contain myself. I had changed back into the Phil that had received his first kiss. I was so, in love with the moment, so, in love with this girl, that I wasn't sure how to handle anything. She had been a friend of mine since the beginning of the year, Kymba's soulmate, a girl that I would turn to just out of interest. Becca, legitimately, interested me, as I had never met such a naive girl with such life and wonder. I had to know who she was, and so, every once in awhile, during my first semester Sophomore year, I attempted at getting to know her.. As a friend..
Well, after that night, she didn't want to do anything more but kiss me, as I was still with Sydney at the time. Heres where I began to feel like an asshole. I was so enthralled by desire and lust, that I fell in love, and fell out of touch with a girl that was actually helping me through a lot. I threw it all down the drain because I thought Becca and I would be perfect. I was so wrong. I had to tell Sydney that I felt happier with Becca, and that I didn't feel happiness with her anymore, she was just that asset in my life, she would just be "that" girl, and I didn't want that to be the case. She felt mutually and we broke up on good terms, but then I pursued Becca and fucked everything up. She was in my head and I couldn't get her out, my whole world was revolving around her, and I couldn't stop the revolution. She had officially taken over my behaviors. I hope that its easier to understand now, that it was me that went crazy, and it was near impossible for me to not feel the way I felt. I wanted her every second of my life, and I knew this wasn't the reality of the situation, and yet I forced it upon everyone.
I guess you could say, that the failure here, was a failure to communicate on both our parts. I tried to communicate with her, but ended up communicating with her entire community of friends first cause I couldn't get things off my chest so easily. Everyone was appalled, some applauded, some shamed, some depressed by my actions. I realized that how egotistical I had gotten, I had forgotten to consider others, and instead, only considered myself. There is nothing wrong with this in life, but, if you want to be happy, your happiness sometimes must emulate from others.
Now I sit here in class, alone, bored, and dreading work. I hate the fact finals are coming up, and my brain feels like its going to explode with the amount of priorities I've been forced to focus on. Its not because of procrastination, because I have yet to do that this semester. Its something else, and its not depression, its... loneliness...
Not like I haven't experienced this before, but wow, it sucks to a whole new degree currently. Especially when you figure out, a girl you invested so much love, care, and kindness into, turned their back on you just for one night, to hook up with someone who hasn't even done half the things I did, and would do, for her. Just a random dude, who probably had bigger muscles than me, or was probably more confident in his actions. Great job girls, you really made your reputation quite clear in my life.. Now look whos the asshole? You wonder why girls get called bitches sometimes, well heres your reason.. I'm not saying its bad, I even call myself a fuck, or an asshole, but you need to realize the moments where you've acted upon a situation in such a manner. You need to be able to say to yourself, "That was wrong, I dont regret my decision, but the guilt will kill me if I don't display even the slightest honesty to whomever I might've wronged."
Instead, this girl never told me, she told all of her friends, which were mine as well, and still no one told me. I think this was a pretty heartbreaking moment for me, I know shes gone, but I hate how when I'm a nice guy and all I'm rewarded with is bullshit. I'll still be nice, in order to prove to the world that everyone isn't THAT bad, and their intentions are usually of good nature. I just wish I was considered more, I'm not saying people aren't thoughtful as is, but it would just be appreciated a lot on my part if you thought of me first, before you acted. I try to consider everyone in my situations, and yet, no one cares about Phil's feelings, fuck Phil, he's too nice to care. Wonderful, thanks for trying to make me hate. Well guess what, I love you, and theres nothing you can do to change that.
Sydney ended up sleeping with my neighbour Chris, she's a nympho, not a ho, she just likes sex, and I have no right to blame her for what she did. The ONLY question I raise, is, was it really necessary to sleep with my neighbour? I'm pretty sure he's not the ONLY guy on the planet she could've rebounded with. I honestly don't care who she has sex with either, and I would prefer not knowing, but when you put ideas in my head whilst I see you walk into his dorm room at 1130 PM, drunk as fuck, and see you walk out at 730 AM, as you go to work. It just feels weird, it feels like, if that wall in my dorm wasn't there, it would've been impossible to avoid the sight of an ugly truth. I really wish you wouldn't have done that Sydney, it really wasn't right, and now its kind of hard for me to forgive you, as well as, Chris, for doing what you did, but I have. I made my amends with Chris, I talked to her about it, and I feel better, as if I have moved on, I just wish I didn't have to have that conversation.. Not during the haircut she was giving me, not about the truth, and definitely not about him.
I need someone to care for me, I really really do, I cant keep turning to my writing, or my security blanket for support anymore. My friends have their own goals and values in life, and here I am, just trying to make sense of things all by myself. Its a crumbling conclusion, and I'm stuck picking up the debris..
Have a Good One
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
On the Up
Life has been going great. This is new for me.. Alan told me over semester break, just work hard dude, and shit will work out for you. Little did I know he was right the whole time, he would tell me this all the time in the past and I never listened. Now I work hard as a lifeguard, and my supervisors love having me around. They all tell the "higher ups," how great a guard I am, that I ask questions no other guard would ask out of an interest for my job.
Not only has my job being going so well, but my schoolwork as thoroughly improved. I'm working harder in school, studying for all my tests, plus I've been including myself in class discussions. Its wonderful, all my teachers love me, the ones that care to love their students, as well as, I've been loving all my teachers. I've pretty much been acing all my tests and quizzes, and there's not much more to say about that.
I also met a wonderful girl, her name is Sydney, and for real this time, she cares about me. Its so nice having a girl that is legitimately interested in the way you do things, she always ask's me the weirdest questions that turn out to be some of the most intriguing questions a girl has ever asked me. Its not the lame boring cliche questions, for example, "do you like me?" Fuck that, both of us are confident enough to know that we like each other. She asks me questions like, "Do you worry about me?" A great question that required some thought about myself and how I view her. I told her that I care about her, but I feel like I don't need to worry about someone who I trust and is confident enough in what they do. I figure if anything did happen whilst we weren't together, and when I say "did" I mean something harmful to her or myself. It would be immediately communicated to the other partner, its just so nice knowing that the only secrets that haven't been shared are the ones that aren't worth sharing just yet. We've been taking this slow and so far so good, We're going on a trip soon to Phoenix on April 30th, I'm very excited to have time with just her and no one else to interfere because recently people have been telling me things about her past that I should hear from her, rather than others. As Blink-182 once said, "Dont let your future be destroyed by your past." Words I take to heart.
Man, everything has been really chill lately, all I needed was that Spring Break. I got to free my mind from the shackles of organized academics. I was able to enjoy my time with others visiting from NM. I even combined that time with old friends from LA and had an amazing experience at my first rave. I didn't have to take ecstasy in order to feel it. The music filled my soul, telling my body what to do, moving me so emotionally, that every pound of the bass emulated euphoria from my body through sweaty pores. My eyes rolling to the back my head and whenever I closed them I could feel the build ups and drops with my fingertips that touched the overruling frequencies of dubstep. My spirit allowed me to dance for 12 hours straight, nothing gets better than expressionism through dance.
So here I am, in class, I have work from 530-8 since my friend is sick and needed a sub. I'll write more later, I need to get on my poetry again, write something truly inspiring during this time of confidence and happiness.
Have a Good One :)
Not only has my job being going so well, but my schoolwork as thoroughly improved. I'm working harder in school, studying for all my tests, plus I've been including myself in class discussions. Its wonderful, all my teachers love me, the ones that care to love their students, as well as, I've been loving all my teachers. I've pretty much been acing all my tests and quizzes, and there's not much more to say about that.
I also met a wonderful girl, her name is Sydney, and for real this time, she cares about me. Its so nice having a girl that is legitimately interested in the way you do things, she always ask's me the weirdest questions that turn out to be some of the most intriguing questions a girl has ever asked me. Its not the lame boring cliche questions, for example, "do you like me?" Fuck that, both of us are confident enough to know that we like each other. She asks me questions like, "Do you worry about me?" A great question that required some thought about myself and how I view her. I told her that I care about her, but I feel like I don't need to worry about someone who I trust and is confident enough in what they do. I figure if anything did happen whilst we weren't together, and when I say "did" I mean something harmful to her or myself. It would be immediately communicated to the other partner, its just so nice knowing that the only secrets that haven't been shared are the ones that aren't worth sharing just yet. We've been taking this slow and so far so good, We're going on a trip soon to Phoenix on April 30th, I'm very excited to have time with just her and no one else to interfere because recently people have been telling me things about her past that I should hear from her, rather than others. As Blink-182 once said, "Dont let your future be destroyed by your past." Words I take to heart.
Man, everything has been really chill lately, all I needed was that Spring Break. I got to free my mind from the shackles of organized academics. I was able to enjoy my time with others visiting from NM. I even combined that time with old friends from LA and had an amazing experience at my first rave. I didn't have to take ecstasy in order to feel it. The music filled my soul, telling my body what to do, moving me so emotionally, that every pound of the bass emulated euphoria from my body through sweaty pores. My eyes rolling to the back my head and whenever I closed them I could feel the build ups and drops with my fingertips that touched the overruling frequencies of dubstep. My spirit allowed me to dance for 12 hours straight, nothing gets better than expressionism through dance.
So here I am, in class, I have work from 530-8 since my friend is sick and needed a sub. I'll write more later, I need to get on my poetry again, write something truly inspiring during this time of confidence and happiness.
Have a Good One :)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Free
I have no inspiration, I have no real ambition anymore, I'm just a cabbage stuck in its patch waiting to be picked. People have no interest in me anymore, I have no reason to be interested in others anymore, my life has turned, I'm growing up, I just never thought that it would be in this manner. Why must I become more close minded in my reality? Why must I deny peoples existence in my perception? Is it because of how mistreated I've felt? Is it because I can't find happiness in another?
I've lost touch with romance, I've lost touch with the passion of life, I am a robot now who feels no emotion. But not really, all thats needed is someone to figure out my codex before they start punching in passwords in order to reveal my identity.. I feel the loneliness more than ever before. Fuck I miss Kymba, and she'll never give me a sign of life. We left it off at a horridly awkward conversation over Facebook. I wrote her letter, I'm going to mail it to her, and leave it at that. Hopefully she writes back, but she doesn't care, as all girls. They never care.
I texted Lisa yesterday, she texted me back this morning apologizing for being at work with no availability to text me back, I believe it, but I also know that people tend to forget, she had availability, but I was not the priority nor was I even on the list of things "to be excited about." The whole conversation over texts was one sided, mostly involving me asking simple questions of living. Then I asked the kicker, if she'd like to hang out since we haven't caught up in awhile, to which she replied, "maybe, im pretty busy." Apparently I made the list of, "ignored." I hate it. Its not my style, and now I know why we would've never worked out.
I texted Ali as well, who was very excited to hear from me as we reminisced about old times getting coffee, tanning outside, cooking in the dorms, cuddling n watching movies, as well as, the endless back rubs I offered lol. Hopefully I get to see her again, I'd love to continue a friendship with her, even though we only talk on occasion.
As for the other two, I hope they want to stay friends at least, I know I still pursue romanticism with Kymba, and I will stop, I just want to send this last letter. I will make that very clear in the letter too, that this is my last outreach to try and make my way into her heart, as she has made her way into my perspective. Lisa doesn't look too promising, she's dating an ex right now, and god forbid he thinks I'm trying to take her away from him. I really, am, a nice guy, and no one can handle that.
So I've had to bottle up the "nice" inside, and bring about rationality as opposed to desire, so that I may learn more. It sucks that I have to go back n forth, I wish I could just be passionate, or just be rational, why can't I be both? Well I guess I could be, I just have to choose rational desires, but what does that consist of? Maybe deducing that hiking is better than smoking, or, studying for school is better than being distracted by a girlfriend.. But what about mixing and matching? For instance, having a girlfriend that matches and believes in the rational decisions you make for yourself, or, hiking so that you may camp at the top of a mountain for a smoke.. Its all about balance.
I believe people aren't down for balance because its time consuming. Who wants to overanalyze anyways? Isn't it criticized in society if you're over thinking a certain situation that people believe doesn't require the time or effort? Well how about this, society has forced humans, well not forced, but made humans believe that life is about individuality and how that individual benefits society, creating almost, a pure identity that cannot be matched by others. People believe that by not focusing on this goal of obtaining a pure identity that we lose touch with ourselves. When in reality, we are most in touch with ourselves when in love, or drunk, or high, or in the midsts of sex, or taking a hallucinogenic trip, all of these actions allow for moments of vulnerability, moments of clarity.
Now these aren't the only ways to achieve a sense of pure self, I do believe mediation will bring you to that moment of clarity, as well as spiritual experiences either affiliated with a religion or even an unexpected miracle of the universe, a good example could be the miracle of life.
Enough about all this, I say the same thing every time just with different examples, I know my point of view to be true, and not because of a self-confident stubborn ego, but rather, the world should know the same shit keeps happening to me. I know no one cares, who the fuck reads this blog anyways, I have no followers, pretty sure the only person that ever followed my blog was Louis. I had to show everyone else certain blogs, there's just so much information out there to know, so many other blogs that people enjoy reading. I do this for myself, and only myself. If people are interested, then so be it. I may even post my blog on my Facebook, who knows..
This class is so boring, I lied, its actually very interesting. I love evolution, I love it all, but I feel so down trodden today that I can't even begin to focus. I barely participated in my last class, and the class before that, I was on my phone the whole time. Today has just been one of those days, and I really hope that this is the only day, that one of those days, decides to "carpe diem" from me.
I guess I do give in to passion, I do not deny its existence as I do not deny mine, I am opposed to making my life miserable, and I'm tired of people, the universe, everything pushing me around, but how can I be passionate about life if life is always going to be full of these things? Should I distract myself with undesirable work? Who knows.. I guess I'll just get these degrees and take my leave. Hopefully they help me in life.
I can't wait to get back on Amtrak again.
Have a Good One
I've lost touch with romance, I've lost touch with the passion of life, I am a robot now who feels no emotion. But not really, all thats needed is someone to figure out my codex before they start punching in passwords in order to reveal my identity.. I feel the loneliness more than ever before. Fuck I miss Kymba, and she'll never give me a sign of life. We left it off at a horridly awkward conversation over Facebook. I wrote her letter, I'm going to mail it to her, and leave it at that. Hopefully she writes back, but she doesn't care, as all girls. They never care.
I texted Lisa yesterday, she texted me back this morning apologizing for being at work with no availability to text me back, I believe it, but I also know that people tend to forget, she had availability, but I was not the priority nor was I even on the list of things "to be excited about." The whole conversation over texts was one sided, mostly involving me asking simple questions of living. Then I asked the kicker, if she'd like to hang out since we haven't caught up in awhile, to which she replied, "maybe, im pretty busy." Apparently I made the list of, "ignored." I hate it. Its not my style, and now I know why we would've never worked out.
I texted Ali as well, who was very excited to hear from me as we reminisced about old times getting coffee, tanning outside, cooking in the dorms, cuddling n watching movies, as well as, the endless back rubs I offered lol. Hopefully I get to see her again, I'd love to continue a friendship with her, even though we only talk on occasion.
As for the other two, I hope they want to stay friends at least, I know I still pursue romanticism with Kymba, and I will stop, I just want to send this last letter. I will make that very clear in the letter too, that this is my last outreach to try and make my way into her heart, as she has made her way into my perspective. Lisa doesn't look too promising, she's dating an ex right now, and god forbid he thinks I'm trying to take her away from him. I really, am, a nice guy, and no one can handle that.
So I've had to bottle up the "nice" inside, and bring about rationality as opposed to desire, so that I may learn more. It sucks that I have to go back n forth, I wish I could just be passionate, or just be rational, why can't I be both? Well I guess I could be, I just have to choose rational desires, but what does that consist of? Maybe deducing that hiking is better than smoking, or, studying for school is better than being distracted by a girlfriend.. But what about mixing and matching? For instance, having a girlfriend that matches and believes in the rational decisions you make for yourself, or, hiking so that you may camp at the top of a mountain for a smoke.. Its all about balance.
I believe people aren't down for balance because its time consuming. Who wants to overanalyze anyways? Isn't it criticized in society if you're over thinking a certain situation that people believe doesn't require the time or effort? Well how about this, society has forced humans, well not forced, but made humans believe that life is about individuality and how that individual benefits society, creating almost, a pure identity that cannot be matched by others. People believe that by not focusing on this goal of obtaining a pure identity that we lose touch with ourselves. When in reality, we are most in touch with ourselves when in love, or drunk, or high, or in the midsts of sex, or taking a hallucinogenic trip, all of these actions allow for moments of vulnerability, moments of clarity.
Now these aren't the only ways to achieve a sense of pure self, I do believe mediation will bring you to that moment of clarity, as well as spiritual experiences either affiliated with a religion or even an unexpected miracle of the universe, a good example could be the miracle of life.
Enough about all this, I say the same thing every time just with different examples, I know my point of view to be true, and not because of a self-confident stubborn ego, but rather, the world should know the same shit keeps happening to me. I know no one cares, who the fuck reads this blog anyways, I have no followers, pretty sure the only person that ever followed my blog was Louis. I had to show everyone else certain blogs, there's just so much information out there to know, so many other blogs that people enjoy reading. I do this for myself, and only myself. If people are interested, then so be it. I may even post my blog on my Facebook, who knows..
This class is so boring, I lied, its actually very interesting. I love evolution, I love it all, but I feel so down trodden today that I can't even begin to focus. I barely participated in my last class, and the class before that, I was on my phone the whole time. Today has just been one of those days, and I really hope that this is the only day, that one of those days, decides to "carpe diem" from me.
I guess I do give in to passion, I do not deny its existence as I do not deny mine, I am opposed to making my life miserable, and I'm tired of people, the universe, everything pushing me around, but how can I be passionate about life if life is always going to be full of these things? Should I distract myself with undesirable work? Who knows.. I guess I'll just get these degrees and take my leave. Hopefully they help me in life.
I can't wait to get back on Amtrak again.
Have a Good One
Monday, January 31, 2011
Loneliness
Its hard to describe what loneliness is without putting a bias upon it, its beneficial and yet detrimental in its own ways. Here I sit, by myself, studying, retaining information that will, in turn, better my future being, but in all honesty I hate working alone. I understand that as a teacher I will not be working alone for the most part, and this has plenty to do with why I chose that career as my goal in life.
I've been feeling this recent separation from the world, as if nothing in my reality actually exists unless I deem it to exist, the decision falls upon my personal interests. Seems pretty closed minded to me. I hate it, but at the same time, I'm benefiting myself so much more by just focusing on my priorities.
Confusion heading amusing thoughts
Knowing knowledge can't be bought
Look how far I got after being taught
By teachers whose salaries are sought
This is not what education is about
Paying a fee for intelligence?
Might as well set me free feeling impetuous
In this world of misunderstood tension
Requirements to pay pension for our social ascension
I'm not sad or depressed when I say fuck this world. Its not from dread or pity, neither from sympathy or care. This conclusion is brought about by the unpredictability and absolute absurdness of the universe. We have but little control over what is said to become in our reality, I know that we have what it takes to willingly pursue dreams, passions, and desires, but this pursuit takes away from the truths of the world, which are unknown. We end up discovering our own truths, which in itself, is a noble and reputable act, but where are the meanings? Behind intention?
We exist, this is true, that cannot be denied that our existence is the pure divine essence of being, but the divinity has transformed into a misconceived notion of individuality. People define themselves as individuals as a part of a bigger community, but the controversy with variety from opinion tears people a part, soon, we can't look at one another the same way again because it is implanted in our subconscious to always view that person as their own individual.
In a sense, we lose that divinity by becoming what our peers view us as, not only have we lost our own individuality, but people don't want to connect with that divinity we all share of existence. We will never be able to look past our own existence if we don't open our minds, understand our reality, and shape our perceptions to share at least one similar value.
Our end is coming, ambition is worthless, idealism is a joke, government isn't trusted, authority is feared by the group it is protecting, the world is turning on its head. As humans we must heed this call of deterioration, as it is but our will to survive that will save us in the end.
Have a Good One
I've been feeling this recent separation from the world, as if nothing in my reality actually exists unless I deem it to exist, the decision falls upon my personal interests. Seems pretty closed minded to me. I hate it, but at the same time, I'm benefiting myself so much more by just focusing on my priorities.
Confusion heading amusing thoughts
Knowing knowledge can't be bought
Look how far I got after being taught
By teachers whose salaries are sought
This is not what education is about
Paying a fee for intelligence?
Might as well set me free feeling impetuous
In this world of misunderstood tension
Requirements to pay pension for our social ascension
I'm not sad or depressed when I say fuck this world. Its not from dread or pity, neither from sympathy or care. This conclusion is brought about by the unpredictability and absolute absurdness of the universe. We have but little control over what is said to become in our reality, I know that we have what it takes to willingly pursue dreams, passions, and desires, but this pursuit takes away from the truths of the world, which are unknown. We end up discovering our own truths, which in itself, is a noble and reputable act, but where are the meanings? Behind intention?
We exist, this is true, that cannot be denied that our existence is the pure divine essence of being, but the divinity has transformed into a misconceived notion of individuality. People define themselves as individuals as a part of a bigger community, but the controversy with variety from opinion tears people a part, soon, we can't look at one another the same way again because it is implanted in our subconscious to always view that person as their own individual.
In a sense, we lose that divinity by becoming what our peers view us as, not only have we lost our own individuality, but people don't want to connect with that divinity we all share of existence. We will never be able to look past our own existence if we don't open our minds, understand our reality, and shape our perceptions to share at least one similar value.
Our end is coming, ambition is worthless, idealism is a joke, government isn't trusted, authority is feared by the group it is protecting, the world is turning on its head. As humans we must heed this call of deterioration, as it is but our will to survive that will save us in the end.
Have a Good One
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A Fresh Start
This semester has started off completely different as compared to my past 3 semesters. I've been going to class with a clean state of mind, I've been participating with teachers and students within discussions, I've honestly just been trying to focus on myself. I'm in class right now, but once I'm done with class I lose my train of thought and never find the inspiration to write in this blog or in my journals. Its a weird feeling, I guess I just feel expressive in classrooms, except this classroom is purely a lecture without discussion so I find myself getting bored quite frequently when talking about the science/biology behind evolution. Its sure as hell interesting enough, but it doesn't allow for my input as much.
I've been falling behind in personal hygiene, my room is a war zone, my desk is the consequence from my recent bomber raid of books, everything in my reality is a mess, but in my head, everything seems quite clear. Kymba left two days ago, I had to say goodbye to a girl that was better than the rest I have been with. It was rough, but watching her dad's truck turn the corner and leave the parking lot brought a sense of closure for me. My friend Cait started crying, I tried comforting her, but this only made me feel tears in my eyes without them falling to the floor. I kept my sadness within because I have hope. Not hope that I will see Kymba ever again, but hope that there are people out there that suite me. That, I can live my life freely based on my own propositions and priorities whilst being with someone. She proved to me the worst and best things about myself, and I can't thank her enough. I wrote her a poem after she left, I'll put in my blog:
We Live Apart
As we organize your things for collection
We can feel a break in our physical connection
There was not enough time for the slightest recollection
As I kept remembering things I had forgotten to mention
I watched, your fathers red truck preparing to leave
I watched you take what you brought with never a thought
That you're leaving me feeling out of luck
You watch, as I wipe fallen tears on my sleeves
You watch, as my desires and passions get stuck
You watch, as I frantically try to mend and weave
A perspective you have helped me achieve
The truck drives off into the heart of a lonely day
There was not much I could say, whence realizing this is the only way
You packed a part of me, and your essence will always stay
I wish we weren't forced to restart
But life has no plan, maps, or charts
It is unpredictable, and susceptible
Which is why, we live apart
I've lost touch with the "game," girls for me right now are a thing of the past. My present being wants a girl, but I know I can't handle that right now. I'm just hoping I find someone along the way in life, because this loneliness is only bearable for about a year, but once a year is over I forget my priorities and focus on women. I'm thinking maybe I'm not interested in girls right now because I had a fling over break with some girl I had "0" interest in, I only wanted that physical connection in order to relieve my stress from last semester.
I know I'm going to do well this semester, I can feel it inside me, its called ambition, and I can't believe it took me this long to actually feel it. I don't blame weed, I don't blame women, I don't blame the universe for this loss of ambition, I blame myself. I should've been stronger in the past, but I was weak because my past experiences at MIlken definitely didn't prepare me for the social, academic, and lifestyle changes that come with college. Everyone that went to MIlken feels that way, it was just too easy, and now, I'm experiencing hardships, heartbreak, academic struggles, all of which I was never exposed to at Milken.
Being farther from home doesn't help much at all either, its such an interesting experience and I wouldn't change it for the world, but being at home definitely gives me a sense of stability. I get things done in a more orderly fashion when in LA, but I can't go back, I don't want to go back, if I go back, then I lose everything I had whence pushing forward.
I havent seen Lisa at all, I kind of want to text her and see if she would want to hang out, but I feel like she wouldn't appreciate my company. I've changed a lot since we last dated, I still smoke cigarettes, and thats where the line is cut. Sucks, but whatever. I ran into Savannah today, we had lunch together, caught up on things, showed her how much I have changed. Hopefully she reports back to Lisa.
30 more minutes till class is over, I wonder if I can keep writing till the end, probably wont, but I plan on sending Kymba that poem when I get the chance. This entire class has just been a repeat of the last class, mostly based on the reading, which is pretty easy. Ah! Its 4:20! I've implemented a new change in my daily schedule, I only smoke when I'm done with all my work, including, studying, meetings, appointments, work, and of course, class. Well, I think I'm gonna get off, get out of class, do something interesting today.. But more importantly, get shit done..
Have a Good One
I've been falling behind in personal hygiene, my room is a war zone, my desk is the consequence from my recent bomber raid of books, everything in my reality is a mess, but in my head, everything seems quite clear. Kymba left two days ago, I had to say goodbye to a girl that was better than the rest I have been with. It was rough, but watching her dad's truck turn the corner and leave the parking lot brought a sense of closure for me. My friend Cait started crying, I tried comforting her, but this only made me feel tears in my eyes without them falling to the floor. I kept my sadness within because I have hope. Not hope that I will see Kymba ever again, but hope that there are people out there that suite me. That, I can live my life freely based on my own propositions and priorities whilst being with someone. She proved to me the worst and best things about myself, and I can't thank her enough. I wrote her a poem after she left, I'll put in my blog:
We Live Apart
As we organize your things for collection
We can feel a break in our physical connection
There was not enough time for the slightest recollection
As I kept remembering things I had forgotten to mention
I watched, your fathers red truck preparing to leave
I watched you take what you brought with never a thought
That you're leaving me feeling out of luck
You watch, as I wipe fallen tears on my sleeves
You watch, as my desires and passions get stuck
You watch, as I frantically try to mend and weave
A perspective you have helped me achieve
The truck drives off into the heart of a lonely day
There was not much I could say, whence realizing this is the only way
You packed a part of me, and your essence will always stay
I wish we weren't forced to restart
But life has no plan, maps, or charts
It is unpredictable, and susceptible
Which is why, we live apart
I've lost touch with the "game," girls for me right now are a thing of the past. My present being wants a girl, but I know I can't handle that right now. I'm just hoping I find someone along the way in life, because this loneliness is only bearable for about a year, but once a year is over I forget my priorities and focus on women. I'm thinking maybe I'm not interested in girls right now because I had a fling over break with some girl I had "0" interest in, I only wanted that physical connection in order to relieve my stress from last semester.
I know I'm going to do well this semester, I can feel it inside me, its called ambition, and I can't believe it took me this long to actually feel it. I don't blame weed, I don't blame women, I don't blame the universe for this loss of ambition, I blame myself. I should've been stronger in the past, but I was weak because my past experiences at MIlken definitely didn't prepare me for the social, academic, and lifestyle changes that come with college. Everyone that went to MIlken feels that way, it was just too easy, and now, I'm experiencing hardships, heartbreak, academic struggles, all of which I was never exposed to at Milken.
Being farther from home doesn't help much at all either, its such an interesting experience and I wouldn't change it for the world, but being at home definitely gives me a sense of stability. I get things done in a more orderly fashion when in LA, but I can't go back, I don't want to go back, if I go back, then I lose everything I had whence pushing forward.
I havent seen Lisa at all, I kind of want to text her and see if she would want to hang out, but I feel like she wouldn't appreciate my company. I've changed a lot since we last dated, I still smoke cigarettes, and thats where the line is cut. Sucks, but whatever. I ran into Savannah today, we had lunch together, caught up on things, showed her how much I have changed. Hopefully she reports back to Lisa.
30 more minutes till class is over, I wonder if I can keep writing till the end, probably wont, but I plan on sending Kymba that poem when I get the chance. This entire class has just been a repeat of the last class, mostly based on the reading, which is pretty easy. Ah! Its 4:20! I've implemented a new change in my daily schedule, I only smoke when I'm done with all my work, including, studying, meetings, appointments, work, and of course, class. Well, I think I'm gonna get off, get out of class, do something interesting today.. But more importantly, get shit done..
Have a Good One
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