The Restart

09/17
Its about 745 AM and I cannot sleep. I awoke at around 545 AM, rolled over, hoping to grab hold of a physical entity, but my desires were lost in translation, I didn't have anyone over anyways. I have a new house, for you who don't know, its amazing, my roommates are the best and I've been learning how to take care of my own living environment. I can say for the most part, everything runs pretty smoothly and goes according to plan. Man, I can feel my eyes drooping, I have no idea why I got up so early, I just figured why not start my day? Heres something thats changed about me, I can't lie in bed anymore feeling lazy, I feel productive 24/7 and I cannot stop my ambitions from taking over my behaviours. Its been a ridiculous process, but here I am, barely standing, but feeling like I can stand forever.
I thought about death in the shower this morning, about how I actually fear not existing, how I fear the unknown, I havent been able to get over my fear of unpredictability, and it seems this fear is newly found. I've been having sex with this girl Ashley recently, just living and loving freely, I try to watch myself to make sure I can control my sexual desires, and so far so good. Recently I've been wanting her to come over, I can feel something inside me that wants her to stay here with me, and I question myself, is this really healthy? Am I really fulfilling what I've always wanted to achieve? Who the fuck knows, I probably shouldn't care. I live my life by my own endeavours:

My own endeavour, will soon leave me soar

Thinking of tomorrow and that next door

I'm nervous every night, I dont want to wake

I feel this feeling in my chest tighten and make

My core for sake, will take everything thats fake

So don't feed me lies while I attempt and try

I don't need to sit here and ask why's

I won't go to my room just to be lonely and cry

I want you with me, but you sit far and tease

I want you to see, but your wit only brings me to my knees

I don't try to make you mad, I dont want this to be some never ending fad

When will we look past the reality and understand the love

When will we look past the duality and understand we must shove

All that has made us sad, wondering just a tad

If we are with the right lad

All I want is your attention and for us to feel no tension

I feel fenced in, but I cant explain how I danced in

It was a feeling of joy for a moment

And I feel like a toy if I may comment

My love for you grows everyday, and there's no way to explain, why I feel so swayed

But after feeling the sun rays I finally understand why I grabbed your hand today

I want to share my loves with you, and I know every moment we share is right and true

I want you right now, don't burrow your brow

There is no denial of this love cause

My heart is right tonight, dont be blind, watch my eyes grasp yours tight

And you will find my plight to be right

I kinda like this poem, I found it in a post that was never published, so I decided to copy and paste it into this post, feeling as if it is only appropriate for the circumstance. I wish people would wake up already, its 8 AM now and I kinda want to relax, but at the same time, socializing would be really good for me right now. Every time, 3 weeks into my school year, these feelings come back that I need someone by my side, I dont know why I think of love so frequently. Its what keeps putting me in this position in the first place, I want to stop thinking about women, but I love them so much, in every little unique way.

09/27
I can't concentrate anymore, it feels like I am restarting, trying to become something new, something I've never experienced before. I'm always trying to experience more and more in my life. Sometimes it gets to a point where everything piles up and I cant handle anything anymore. Ashley sits 20 feet away from me, I want someone, but not under my own selfish pretenses, I really need to let this desire go and be with myself. I need to rediscover who I am, what I want to be, I need to just restart. This felt good.

Have a Good One