Im back in my town and without any frown..
And Im back in my city, not feelin so shitty..
I guess getting out of town n takin a real break from everything is all I needed. Being in Hawaii, and getting to do what I did there, which included, going to Hana. One of the most beautiful trips Ive ever taken in my life, the lush rainforest, the droplets of nature's essence comparing in size to a golfball. We ended up stopping by a beach, called the Black Sand, where the sand is made of rocks. The contrasting color between green and black was so outrageously beautiful that I actually felt comfortable sleeping there...
Without any care...
Alone in the wild feeling so bare...
My eyes of wonder watch blankly, n stare...
And now being back in LA, having had the Lakers won, and feeling very refreshed about a new summer, I actually have this very good feeling in my gut about how things are gonna work out this summer. I feel as if, nows the time to move on, everythings changing, and so must I. Its what time does, it changes the beings within its moments. I cant deny that, as much as I dont believe time exists, there is still that essence of it within ourselves.
So Im not afraid to change.. Tomorrow, I plan on seeing my friends sober and hanging out with them like that since they dont do it anymore, and I also plan on being sober for my reunion, unless Russell wants to smoke. I'm beginning to choose when I want to smoke, instead of just doing it all the time. Kinda makes me feel better about myself, like I have more control over myself and my actions. Its kinda nice, but at the same time... I writing this fucking blog high! Haha, but thats cause I medicated myself in order to be able to get to sleep since it being 12:53 AM here means its 9:53 PM in Hawaii. Weed cures jetlag, let me tell you. Haha.
Alright well Im looking forward to a great summer, and hopefully all my friends are totally on board!
Have a Good One
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Hawaii
So Im in Hawaii trying to give myself a break from life, but life will follow me everywhere because I am living. I may not be living THE life, but I am living A life. Things are really beginning to take a turn for the worst, things are catching up to me, and my close friends in LA. Im starting to believe what this guy told me before I went to college, "You'll find yourself with a lot fewer friends from high school once everyone moves on." Hes right... Sam's not smoking anymore, Matt's not smoking anymore, Nikzad and Lenny cant be in the company of one another anymore.
Everyones finding their own path, one that seems comfortable to them, one that really does separate themselves from others so that they can "grow up."
Now let me tell you what growing up is... Its living life... By makin daily decisions we decide upon a future that looks better for ourselves, but right now, this future, isnt looking too great because we're not living with each other on daily basis anymore. Our decisions now are based upon what experiences we had in college.
Sam really enjoys drinking now, thats understandable seeing as how he's joined a fraternity, and has smoked a lot of pot in his day. Plus, the path he's taking to be a neuroscientist is rough one and takes a lot of focus and effort, both of which smokin' on a daily basis wont help. Matt has almost the same reasons, he feels a loss in productivity, and can't focus his mind on the important things in life while smoking.
We've all changed, and I wont say for the worst, nor will I say for the better. We're not growing up, nor are we maturing. We're just living life as how we see fit, so I understand, and wont interfere with opinions or judgements. They can do what they want, and I will always be there for them as a close/best friend. One can never let materialism blind their judgement of making the right decisions when it comes to friends, and its a good things I've grasped that point of view.... That was Aidens problem, he couldnt understand friendship past materialism...
I love my friends, I love my family, I love myself, but I really dont love my life right now, and Im having a lot of trouble learning to love it because it seems right now, life is affecting me from a cause that doesnt come from me. Its coming from somewhere else, but I dont know where. Its almost as if theres this power that just doesnt like me, thats always out to get me. I understand being rewarded in life requires effort on my part, so I try to be a good person, and I try to be nice to everyone, but no one sees my troubles, no one understands the pain I go through everyday of my life.
I wake up in the morning with no one next to me to say, "I love you too." I have no one to turn to, no shoulder to cry on, no lips to kiss, no body to hold...
Im scared guys, I really am, and Im not scared of life or death, Im scared my confusion is going to get the best of me and Im gonna go crazy, literally. I need someone to show me that there are people out there who know what Im talking about, I need someone to show me they understand who I am and why I do what I do. Hence why I write this blog, because I want people to know.
Lastly, as for girls, I'm still really trying with Brittney, I dont want to give up, shes a girl I know understands me cause I've been talking to her for so long. Her logic, and points of views may be a bit twisted sometimes, but I love it, by not understanding, she somehow concludes life is perfect. I love that view on life, I want it somehow in my life. I've seen too much in New Mexico, I've experienced fear of loss to a new degree integrating the loss of love on 7 different levels. I'll go ahead and list em off for you to so you understand that I've lost, friends, respect, love, hate, desire, sleep, and food.
I worry that at the age of 19 Im going to lose my mind, and become this robotic being that doesnt acknowledge the world because the world doesnt acknowledge me...
But then again, who can acknowledge anyone when everyones living their own life...
Have a Good One
Everyones finding their own path, one that seems comfortable to them, one that really does separate themselves from others so that they can "grow up."
Now let me tell you what growing up is... Its living life... By makin daily decisions we decide upon a future that looks better for ourselves, but right now, this future, isnt looking too great because we're not living with each other on daily basis anymore. Our decisions now are based upon what experiences we had in college.
Sam really enjoys drinking now, thats understandable seeing as how he's joined a fraternity, and has smoked a lot of pot in his day. Plus, the path he's taking to be a neuroscientist is rough one and takes a lot of focus and effort, both of which smokin' on a daily basis wont help. Matt has almost the same reasons, he feels a loss in productivity, and can't focus his mind on the important things in life while smoking.
We've all changed, and I wont say for the worst, nor will I say for the better. We're not growing up, nor are we maturing. We're just living life as how we see fit, so I understand, and wont interfere with opinions or judgements. They can do what they want, and I will always be there for them as a close/best friend. One can never let materialism blind their judgement of making the right decisions when it comes to friends, and its a good things I've grasped that point of view.... That was Aidens problem, he couldnt understand friendship past materialism...
I love my friends, I love my family, I love myself, but I really dont love my life right now, and Im having a lot of trouble learning to love it because it seems right now, life is affecting me from a cause that doesnt come from me. Its coming from somewhere else, but I dont know where. Its almost as if theres this power that just doesnt like me, thats always out to get me. I understand being rewarded in life requires effort on my part, so I try to be a good person, and I try to be nice to everyone, but no one sees my troubles, no one understands the pain I go through everyday of my life.
I wake up in the morning with no one next to me to say, "I love you too." I have no one to turn to, no shoulder to cry on, no lips to kiss, no body to hold...
Im scared guys, I really am, and Im not scared of life or death, Im scared my confusion is going to get the best of me and Im gonna go crazy, literally. I need someone to show me that there are people out there who know what Im talking about, I need someone to show me they understand who I am and why I do what I do. Hence why I write this blog, because I want people to know.
Lastly, as for girls, I'm still really trying with Brittney, I dont want to give up, shes a girl I know understands me cause I've been talking to her for so long. Her logic, and points of views may be a bit twisted sometimes, but I love it, by not understanding, she somehow concludes life is perfect. I love that view on life, I want it somehow in my life. I've seen too much in New Mexico, I've experienced fear of loss to a new degree integrating the loss of love on 7 different levels. I'll go ahead and list em off for you to so you understand that I've lost, friends, respect, love, hate, desire, sleep, and food.
I worry that at the age of 19 Im going to lose my mind, and become this robotic being that doesnt acknowledge the world because the world doesnt acknowledge me...
But then again, who can acknowledge anyone when everyones living their own life...
Have a Good One
Friday, June 4, 2010
Another Dream Another Sorrow
Surprisingly Im up pretty early today, its 7:05 AM on a Friday morning during my summer break. This just isn't right, I was plannin on waking up early today at around 9, but not this early, but I cant go back to sleep because in my slumber I cannot escape the pleasantries that are my dreams.
How can one escape the dreaming process?
Its impossible, instead you are forced to sit back and watch a montage or live a moment that is actually not being lived. So, for instance, last night I had one of the sexiest, coolest, and most chill dream about Brittney ever. It was so good that when I woke up I felt this passion, this wanting, this desire for her. I still cant explain this feeling, but I know its not love, its lust.
And so I couldnt fall back asleep because I was too scared to, I didnt want to re-enter a dream that I know is only going to make me regret not pursing Brittney in a romantic manner, but no matter what I still cant pursue her cause it wouldnt be fair to her or I once I left for college again. This sucks. I want to be fuck buddies, but she and I are too close to put emotions aside.
I love her, dearly, and I cant get her off my mind...
What should I do?
Have a Good One
How can one escape the dreaming process?
Its impossible, instead you are forced to sit back and watch a montage or live a moment that is actually not being lived. So, for instance, last night I had one of the sexiest, coolest, and most chill dream about Brittney ever. It was so good that when I woke up I felt this passion, this wanting, this desire for her. I still cant explain this feeling, but I know its not love, its lust.
And so I couldnt fall back asleep because I was too scared to, I didnt want to re-enter a dream that I know is only going to make me regret not pursing Brittney in a romantic manner, but no matter what I still cant pursue her cause it wouldnt be fair to her or I once I left for college again. This sucks. I want to be fuck buddies, but she and I are too close to put emotions aside.
I love her, dearly, and I cant get her off my mind...
What should I do?
Have a Good One
Thursday, June 3, 2010
What Am I?
Yea, Im human, Im guessing we can all agree on that, and yea, you, the reader, probably does experience the harshness of life to a degree that surpasses mine in so many manners, so think of this as a reminder when I say, life really is shitty.
Where should I begin?
How about with Aggie? The last week where she and I couldve had the one miraculous night, never happened. I mean, this isnt something I should be that upset about right? Yea, you are right, except she gave me false hope, and thats one thing, as you all know, I cant and wont stand for. She told me every night that she'd hit me up, but she never did, instead on our last night together we shared a cigarette as I asked her if that last night would happen. She told me no, and that shes so caught up in graduation.
Let me ask you this Aggie, Im not angry at your actions or decision, but how about upset that you would'nt take the offer to just get away for a moment, and allow me, yourself, and that night, to represent the beauty that could've been.
Perhaps thats everyones flaw, no one can really handle self-control, the disciplining of ones mind to enjoy the pleasantries of life and not allow for ones emotion to interfere with decisions. But then again, emotion is almost a way of ethics and morals, allowing one to feel sorrow at a funeral, or to spare their loved ones life when they've transformed into a zombie (which I think is immoral, but thats a separate argument for another time).
I even wrote her two poems about my romantic feelings towards her, and nothing.
I know why she chose not to anything. She liked me a lot, and she didnt want to lose herself in a guy that would give her false hope in the end. We cant be hypocritical here. It really sucks that we both couldnt put those emotions aside for one last night, because I know we wouldve had so much fun together for last one time...
Alright, so lets see, even more fucked up shit going on in my life...
I owe this guy I rear ended $2,851.00 for a dented bumper and some plate thing behind the bumper that supposedly needs to be replaced. Go ahead and call me outlandish, or illogical, but I think that is way overpriced. I barely even hit this guy. It was ridiculous. He knows it and I think hes just trying to make the most of it... Or maybe not, I'll never know, but assumptions help me feel better about it, and sometimes giving yourself little white lies throughout the day allow you to get through it just a little bit faster.
Anyways, the whole reason behind me driving then was cause I was heading out to Brittneys place to chill with her at some campgrounds where I was going to be meeting several of her friends and maybe go swimming. The whole day was chill, we walked around the camp and talked, I met her friend Casey, plus I got to relax in a hot tub. She thinks I was bored and didnt have a good time cause I wasnt talking much, but honestly, its hard to fit in with her friends. They really arent like me, I want to talk to them and converse, but I just dont know what to talk about.
Now this is weird for me because I have the personality of lion, Im a fucking Leo, but I guess people really arent the same in their own individual way, but I was still able to keep my cool at least and just chill out.
At the end of the day she drove me back to my car which was parked at her house as I was telling her how much she meant to me, not in a romantic way, or a sensual way, but rather, that all in all life really sucks and that its nice to have something or someone to indulge yourself into whilst youre feeling the pressure of life. On that day I discovered why Brittney meant so much to me, because she helps me forget about the unfortunate shit that keeps happening to me... I love her for it
She crossed my mind tonight after I dropped off Nikzad and David, I couldnt stop thinkin about how much I missed her while I was away, and how great she and I were when we were first getting to know each other, and now we have this friendship that prods at my emotions telling me to do something more with her and yet I cant will myself to do it... Why? I dont know why... But I want to find out and try something out with her because I think its the only way I'll ever know for sure.
Hmm, anything else?
Oh! Doesnt really pertain to the shittyness of life.. But Katherine now has a boyfriend. I cant say Im jealous... Cause Im not...
I guess thats it, lifes been pretty relaxing/dull, but I think thats what summer is about for me. Just taking a fucking break...
Have a Good One and Don't Back Down
Where should I begin?
How about with Aggie? The last week where she and I couldve had the one miraculous night, never happened. I mean, this isnt something I should be that upset about right? Yea, you are right, except she gave me false hope, and thats one thing, as you all know, I cant and wont stand for. She told me every night that she'd hit me up, but she never did, instead on our last night together we shared a cigarette as I asked her if that last night would happen. She told me no, and that shes so caught up in graduation.
Let me ask you this Aggie, Im not angry at your actions or decision, but how about upset that you would'nt take the offer to just get away for a moment, and allow me, yourself, and that night, to represent the beauty that could've been.
Perhaps thats everyones flaw, no one can really handle self-control, the disciplining of ones mind to enjoy the pleasantries of life and not allow for ones emotion to interfere with decisions. But then again, emotion is almost a way of ethics and morals, allowing one to feel sorrow at a funeral, or to spare their loved ones life when they've transformed into a zombie (which I think is immoral, but thats a separate argument for another time).
I even wrote her two poems about my romantic feelings towards her, and nothing.
I know why she chose not to anything. She liked me a lot, and she didnt want to lose herself in a guy that would give her false hope in the end. We cant be hypocritical here. It really sucks that we both couldnt put those emotions aside for one last night, because I know we wouldve had so much fun together for last one time...
Alright, so lets see, even more fucked up shit going on in my life...
I owe this guy I rear ended $2,851.00 for a dented bumper and some plate thing behind the bumper that supposedly needs to be replaced. Go ahead and call me outlandish, or illogical, but I think that is way overpriced. I barely even hit this guy. It was ridiculous. He knows it and I think hes just trying to make the most of it... Or maybe not, I'll never know, but assumptions help me feel better about it, and sometimes giving yourself little white lies throughout the day allow you to get through it just a little bit faster.
Anyways, the whole reason behind me driving then was cause I was heading out to Brittneys place to chill with her at some campgrounds where I was going to be meeting several of her friends and maybe go swimming. The whole day was chill, we walked around the camp and talked, I met her friend Casey, plus I got to relax in a hot tub. She thinks I was bored and didnt have a good time cause I wasnt talking much, but honestly, its hard to fit in with her friends. They really arent like me, I want to talk to them and converse, but I just dont know what to talk about.
Now this is weird for me because I have the personality of lion, Im a fucking Leo, but I guess people really arent the same in their own individual way, but I was still able to keep my cool at least and just chill out.
At the end of the day she drove me back to my car which was parked at her house as I was telling her how much she meant to me, not in a romantic way, or a sensual way, but rather, that all in all life really sucks and that its nice to have something or someone to indulge yourself into whilst youre feeling the pressure of life. On that day I discovered why Brittney meant so much to me, because she helps me forget about the unfortunate shit that keeps happening to me... I love her for it
She crossed my mind tonight after I dropped off Nikzad and David, I couldnt stop thinkin about how much I missed her while I was away, and how great she and I were when we were first getting to know each other, and now we have this friendship that prods at my emotions telling me to do something more with her and yet I cant will myself to do it... Why? I dont know why... But I want to find out and try something out with her because I think its the only way I'll ever know for sure.
Hmm, anything else?
Oh! Doesnt really pertain to the shittyness of life.. But Katherine now has a boyfriend. I cant say Im jealous... Cause Im not...
I guess thats it, lifes been pretty relaxing/dull, but I think thats what summer is about for me. Just taking a fucking break...
Have a Good One and Don't Back Down
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