Without an Ending

Ok, I'm writing this post on account that I had a VERY weird dream last night. But before I go into details about my dream perhaps I should tell ya'll what I did that night:

I hung out with Matt, at the Northridge Mall. First we found a nice spot to open our minds, from the society that keeps us this so called planet. At first we had asked Jasmine if she wanted to hang out with us. She, as I had expected, said no. So, we went to the mall, ate dinner there, saw Daniel fight Max in some boxing match, saw a movie, then dropped Matt off at his car, as I drove home all alone. I got home, played my video game, watched some SNL, then crashed.

So my dream wont be as detailed as one might expect it to be, but I'll do my best to describe what happened:

It started out with me in some house, looked a little like Jasmines house with a mixture of this kid Matt's house, which I knew from like baseball in like 5th grade. I walked around, and saw that they had a housekeeper. I didn't really take into account that she was around, just someone there in this house. So, I hung out with Jasmine in her room, talking and stuff. Then I got up to go use the restroom. Where I found this housekeeper getting undressed. For some reason I became sexually attracted, and I walked into the bathroom, and watched her take a shower. I took a peak outside the bathroom after about 5 minutes to check on Jasmine, which I found with some other guy talking on her bed. So I decided, you know what, its time to take chances in life. I jumped into the shower, and made out with the housekeeper, which I sooned figured out her name was Larissa. We had sex. Weird eh? Well in my dream, I couldnt get over her. I felt attached the whole dream. But anyways, the dream continues, as I find myself in Jasmines house once again. Except this time, we're going camping. We were at this weird spot, where we were all taller than the trees around us. I had to use the restroom again. So I found a portapotty, jumped in, and tried to take a piss. When I realized the ground was shaking. I jumped out, to realize that the portapotty was running downhill. I then ran up this ridiculously large mountain. To find my tent that I was sharing with Jasmine, I fell asleep, woke up, fucked someone, then went to sleep again. Soon I found myself waking up on Jasmines floor in her house. She was shaking me, telling me to get up, cause there was a hurricane. Then Matt asked her to give him a blowjob, she did it, she then offered  me one, but I turned her down. We then got our jackets, and umbrellas, I hugged her for warmth as we crowded under her umbrella. We went outside to pick up her sister who was at some storm drain, we then had a nice picnic with this girl Cleo that I know. I played on Cleos cellphone then we went back inside to fight zombies...for some reason...

I woke up, had the best day of my life, and now I'm here. Feelin great and ontop of the world. I am aware of the fact that I had an awesome night with Alan, and that no one can bring this down. Its me, thats me, my life, and its awesome... For now.

Hard Freedom

What can I say? I dont even know what to write. I'm just writing for the sake of writing. Thats the best kind of writing there is right? Hell if I would know. Moralities mean nothing to me. Its not that I'm not a moral person. I just find myself questioniong what the meaning of being a moral person is? I mean really, theres a set standard in society as to what a moral person is, but that doesn't share any similarities to what a moral gangster would be, or what a moral nazi would be. Moralities have been thrown around manipulated, and used as devices to cause the masses to swear their oath under one belief. I can't say that this is wrong or right...I can't say that anything is.

So enough about this, I actually got back in touch with Jasmine today. Old friend of mine. I tried to "get" with her awhile back. Wow, and I just remembered she might read this. Well, I never delete what I've already written unless it was a grammatical/spelling error. It was pretty fun though, we talked about metaphysics, our lives, just catching up on things. A great refresher. I felt friendly again :). We had a wonderious conversation. I can't wait to hang out with her again. It should be fun.

Talked to Reva today, not much to say, I kinda noticed a lil change about her, she seemed a little bit more hyper than ussual, but its alright, cause I love it when shes hyper! It gets me all excited to. I've already explained the rest, and I can't really say much without repeating myself here. But, I think im going to go ahead, and repeat myself one last time, just cause I'm really not ashamed of saying it anymore. I love Reva. I mean, at least I'm not ashamed about saying that to myself, or some of my friends, but I am just a little nervous to tell her how I feel. I just don't want her to be weirded out. That would be horrible, and I would never forgive myself. I just don't wanna lose this spark I feel around her. I love it too much. I can't imagine myself without it, but that just makes me obsessive and I'm trying my hardest to not be like that. You just can't obsess about things, you just don't have yet.

I ALSO HAD MY ORCHESTRA CONCERT TODAY!! What a great time I had! I chilled with Cleo and Lauren, we sat in some hallway, talking, playing on our cellphones. We all got starbucks, it was a lot of fun. Can't wait to see them Wednesday, for our tour. 

Ah, what a magical day today was. Nothing could get me down. I feel like I'm on top of the world. I'm in love with everything. The sky, the sun, the moon, nature, people, Reva, my friends, my family....everything.... So on this note I must be on my way. I'm very tired, and must get my sleep. 

Have aGood One.

The Odd and the Hopeless

I'm an odd guy, I mean we all are, we just choose to follow fads set by people in society, its never our trueselves that are expressed anymore. No one sees the transcendental. The divinity, the love, the creativity....all of it, gone, or at least fading away. Everyone has set standards, everyones lost themselves in the material world. I haven't found anyone yet, ready to embrace life, take it on with all their might, all their force. Are we afraid? Do we think that life means, be succesful, die succesful? Whats our definition of success? I can't say. A materialistic point of view on this would be, get rich, die rich. Ok...but have we accomplished what we would die happy with? 

Get out there, do what you want to do, dont let the restrictions of society hold you back. You'll find that leading you're life, without expectations, will bring you what you really want in life. Happiness and Freedom. Be that odd, hopeless guy or girl sitting by yourself. It may seem sad, and depressing, but that is how you'll find the way in life. 

Thats how I found my way, and once you've got that down, go ahead and explore, search life for what its worth, and that is living. Live it to the best of your ability. Have fun. Go out into the world, and just go! Dont look forward dont look back! Just be on your way! And carry on, youll find that youll have a wonderious time doing so! And when you're lying on your death bed thinking what did I do all my life, you'll know that I spent my life, doing what I wanted to do the most......live.

And I'd give up forever to touch you, 
Cause I know that you feel the same somehow.
You're the closest heaven that I'll ever be, 
And I don't want to go home right now.

And all I can taste is this moment, 
And all I can breathe is your life, 
And sooner or later it's over, 
I just don't want to miss you tonight.

And I don't want the world to see me, 
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken, 
I just want you to know who I am.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, 
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies, 
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

And I don't want the world to see me, 
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken, 
I just want you to know who I am.

And I don't want the world to see me, 
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken, 
I just want you to know who I am.

And I don't want the world to see me, 
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken, 
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.

(Lyrics to Iris by Goo Goo Dolls) 

The song means a lot to me.

Have a Good One.

Forrest Gump

I'm really not sure why I named this new blog Forrest Gump, but that really is the least of my problems. Well, I am listening to music from the movie, so that would explain it, but otherwise, I had no other reason to name it that.

I was reading Alans blog, I really miss the guy, we actually get along so well, no matter where we turn in life. No matter what choices are made down the road, or where we turn, we always end up back together. We really are best buddies, forever. People always exxagerate that term, saying, "Oh, don't worry, we'll be best friends forever." But man, I hope youre reading this now, cause you and I, we share something that others don't. We have always been the greatest friends, and still different schools, even different states, nothing has changed what we are....the greatest friends ever. I will never forget you, throughout my entire life, I will die with the thought of you in my mind. You will live on forever, through my memories. I love you man, and theres no real easy way of saying that.

That felt great! I feel like a new man already! Perhaps its the music, as well as getting all that out of me, but I feel like a human setting forth onto new grounds prepared to take on life for what it is and what its worth, that neither materialism, nor people could possibly change my look or feel on life right now!

I've been talking to friends lately, about Reva. I have yet to mention Reva in here at all, but I feel as if nows a good time. If you want me to be completely honest, to cut the bullshit and the cockiness that usually ends up coming out anyway when you pour your heart out onto the keyboard, then I'll just be straight up and honest. Cause thats what I am, a straight up, honest and simple man. I love Reva...how else am I supposed to say this? Perhaps people thing I'm too young to feel it, personally, I dont think that at all. Thats the thought that held me back from actually feeling what it really was and is to feel the love for someone else. But I know I love her, cause I care. I care about her, her feelings, her emotions, her pain. All of it. I think about it, I just want her to feel comfortable. If shes not happy, I'm not happy, if shes happy, then I'm happy. I can't explain it very well...cause its just so indescribable. I wish I could just implant my feelings within her, show her how I really feel, but obviously I can't. And saying it doesn't help, cause all it sounds like to others is bullshit, and just an excuse to get into someones pants. When will anyone ever understand that I don't care about getting into her pants, I dont care if I never kiss her, I just want to be with her, I want her by my side, I want to live the bad times, the good times with her. I want her to know that I'm here for her, always and forever, even if she doesnt feel the same way back. Fuckles. That took a lot of energy. So, ya nothing really else I can say. So, I'm just gonna stop here, stop my expectations, feel my feelings, and live on.

As I usually do in life now, just live on and live forth. Life can throw at you whatever it wishes, I read the book The Stranger by Albert Camus, I recommend it to EVERYONE! Its fantastic, I'll never look at life the same way again. From now on, I never expect anything, from life. I go with it, as if I were life itself. Which I am. My best example is, your a car, moving at your own pace, through a foggy road, and the only thing you can see is whats behind you, and whats to your sides, never whats in front of you. You can't anticipate the streetlight ahead. For all you know it could be a red light, and your life ends right there, as you get into one of the most horrific accidents ever, or perhaps, its a green light, and you move past the obstacle as if it were nothing, or maybe you had to make a turn at the light, and you missed it. Making wrong turns in life happens all the time because you can't expect whats set before you. Sometimes youll come upon some debris set before you in the middle of the road, and its either you abruptly move out of the way taking a risk in life, or you run it over, and see what happens. The risks and the consequences, all unknown, all unforgiving. Just as life is supposed to be.

Ok, I've gotta put my parrots to bed. I'll write again sometime in the future.

Have a Good One.

Here We Go Again....

Today was an interesting day for me. Just thought I might as well start this blog off with that. I didn't do much really, but I still had fun overall. I played some Spore, hung out with my buddies, and went home. Probably one of my most daily routines ever, but it had a twist to it. I had had an odd dream the night before.

I dreamt that, well I cant really remember the whole dream, but from what I do remember, it just made my whole day a teensy bit off for me. I had told my friends some of it today, but some moments from it began to come to me throughout the day. So heres how my dream went. I was outside my house, waiting, I wasnt sure what I was waiting for, but it seemed to be something important. Someone passed by my house, walking their dog. At that moment, all my surroundings began to change, it was as if I was teleporting, but I still felt that feeling of sitting outside my house. I looked around, trying to get used to my new settings. I was at a theme park, and as soon as I questioned how I got there, I found myself within a flying contraption. The contraption consisted of those bars in that are used in car to help prevent the vehicle from being crushed if rolled over, it didnt have any outter shell. Just the bars, and a bicylce seat in the middle. I ran into the park, I ran through people, I was invincible. Nothing touched me, nothing saw me. I was that person that no one could feel or touch. I roamed around the park not sure what I was searching for.... I came across several friends, none looked my way, as I wasnt too concerned about them. I was literally so focused on this objective, that was still unkown to me. Soon, I found myself on the ride Viper, for no aparent reason. I began riding it, I could feel the ride, taste the air, and then suddenly I flew out of my chair, and started flying. In the air, as I watched the ride complete its journey around the tracks. I was soon in my flying contraption with my iPod in my hand. I then teleported to a closed in concrete alleyway. My friends were eating lunch in a little area that could only be reached if I went down these small set of stairs that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. I walked down the stairs, and gazed upon my friends eating with a girl that I've never seen before. Immediatly I knew her name, Hailee, but she looked like a mixture of Talia, and some other girl I've never met before. I approached them, they kept eating, I got close they kept eating. Then they disappeared, with only the girl left, I asked where my iPod was...but I was sure it was still in my hand. I found out later that it wasnt. She said, "I have no idea, why?" Then I said, "Because I need to fly, to U2."

The dream goes on, but all that other stuff is boring. What really caught my attention though, was the phrase "Because I need to fly, to U2." I know that I wanted to experience the act of flying in the air and listening to U2 at the same time, but I took apart the words, and soon realized. That in a sense, it spelt out, "Because I need to fly, to you too." Does this mean I have something else thats calling out to me? Is there something, or someone waiting for me? I'm clueless to what it could mean, but it means something thats for sure Well, I guess its safe to say, I'm just lost in translation.

So anyways, I started my new journal, and its going along pretty well, I intend on writing in it tonight, I still have Hebrew homework...ugh, when will it end. And, I got a new hat, which I'm pretty excited about. Lastly, I have school tomorrow, and I'm not to excited to go back right now. I had a nice two days off, and I'd rather make it three, but I have no control over that. Ok, I should be going now, its 11:33 and I still have to do this homework. Have a Good One.

Living Large?

If we all must know what I'm doing at the moment, I'm talking with Daniel, and my friend Rachel from Jamaica on MSN, but thats not why I'm here writing today. I'm writing here today because I guess I just feel lonely with myself. Its kinda hard knowing that you're on your own this vast world. I've been doing my best to conquer this thought, by saying that the universe is within me, but does that make me self-righteous? I can't say. I care about other, but I believe in my own inner-self. I guess I could always put it that way, to make it sound better than how our own reality makes it.

So today, Talia crossed my mind. And thats all I can say.

I guess thats one reason why I'm writing today, because she was on my mind, and again I'm gonna try to stray away from this topic.

I played some Call of Duty 4 today, not that it means anything, but I did, I guess I'm pretty good at the game. I never really realized it, I just played for myself, until others began commenting on how well I can play the game, and the statistics from each game dont hurt neither. But anyways, I met a cool guy on the server I regularly visit. His in-game name is Cowboy, and I dont know his real name, but he sounds like a pretty interesting guy. 

Last night was pretty fun as well. I met up with Louis, Aiden, and Sam. We all opened our minds together, except Louis, who came late, and drove on out to Westwood, where we all ate at Mongols. The food there is delicious. Soon thereafter, we met Daniel, and Lenny. I hadn't seen Lenny for awhile. He was at some wilderness camp, for awhile, and we were all sharing stories.

Anyways I guess thats it for now. Talia is still on my mind, and I'm having a serious craving for food and recreation. Aight. Have A Good One.

The Rough Terrain

Its about 1:36 AM, and I'm writing in my blog. I guess I'm just that kinda guy who just says whats on his mind, even when theres no one there to listen to him, but anyways, I saw Eagle Eye, and it was pretty good. Shai definitly turned on his "Transfomers" acting, and did a pretty darn good job. Caught my attention at times, but this was not the crux of the night. Tonight, was a night of just good times with old friends. I met up with Daniel and Andrew. It was Daniels birthday, he turned 17 today, and we all went out to see Eagle Eye, and just hang out.

We arrived at the theatres at about 8:15 PM, where I got out of the car, cigarette in hand, and just as I was lighting it up, something struck me. Something thats never really struck me before, especially at such an odd time like that. I felt alone. I felt that nothingness inside you, when youre that lonely guy smoking the cigarette, thinking wheres my date, wheres my happiness? I shoved that thought to the side, as I put my arm around my friends shoulder and wished him a happy birthday.

And now, all night, I've just been sitting in my chair. Thinking, about girls nonetheless, and just how I've let some great ones just slip by me. They have to be the greatest mystery in the world. They always ask for the nice guy, and yet it just never works out for us. I guess its the truth when people say "nice guys finish last." But am I ok with finishing last? Do I really need to finish first? And it kinda just dawned on me just at this moment, that everythings alright, even if I do come in last place....at least I past the finish line...at least I made it somewhere. 

But on a lighter note, I finally get to see my ol' buddy Alan tomorrow. I believe we're going to Mels Diner, which is like the local place for all the "Sherman Oakians/Van Nuysians."As you can probably already tell I made up both of those words on the spot. I can't wait to get reacquianted with him. It's really been awhile, and we both kinda moved our seperate ways. Hanging out less and less, but I'm really lookin forward to bringing back the good ol' days, where we just hung out and were friends. Those were nice. 

I guess life isn't all its cracked up to be. As we grasp the rope with no up or down. We just climb to our own freedom and enlightenment, afraid to look down, only looking up and exerting all kinds of force to reach the top, which is completely enshrouded in mist of our own egos. But life, is good, life is what keeps us living, me living. Its what gets me up every morning, fills me with that bravery and confidence to take challenges head on, and to experience a life unrestricted and yet fullfilled with every aspect I've always aspired too. So on these few writings I leave you all, to say good night, and sweet dreams to ya'll. Have A Good One.

Doin' It Online for the First Time

Sad to say that I completed my journal, which I had named Sherbert, last night. I sure miss staying up the extra 15 minutes on some nights just to write an entry. I especially miss writing the dates in the top right hand corner, that was always my favourite part. It always reminded me that "each day is its own day." I believe the journal is about 140 pages long, but thats nothing compared to how much goes on in ones life, because I can tell you this now, that my life definitly does not consist of about 140 pages. Plus, what I had written in the journal is only somewhat amusing, it gets boring at times, as I become repetitive, about how girls never like me, or how my teacher was a complete dick to me. But, on occasion the stories can be quite intriguing as I explore deeper understandings to the meaning of life, and approach questions that we as human beings find troubling to coexist with. 

But on a seperate topic now, I definitly won't take all the credit for this ingenious idea of journaling my thoughts on this webpage. Alan gets most of the credit, if it weren't for his inspiring four stories that he had posted on his blog page, I probably wouldn't have even known about this site or its power to get the best out of you. 

Last night had a good balance to it, although it always seems as if the bad outweighs the good in most situations, seeing as how I can mostly concentrate on the bad at times. So, Louis, Aiden, and myself, went out "spot" searching, and after about an hour of driving, and my ass falling asleep on me. We found a wonderous spot that wasn't at all bad. We set up a blanket, and we star gazed and looked out onto the ocean, as we expanded our concious minds. Its funny how, sometimes we never realize how small we are. That we live our lives, as if that was all there was to live, but I believe that theres something greater. Some greater sense of being, just the being part. We are human "beings" because we are the ones have been, are going to be, and are being. And yet, we can't take one moment out of our "civilized" lives, to look up at the stars and wonder, about how we as the beings, are here, and not out there. Is it because we can't "be" in space? Because theres no such thing as an outter being? I find it troubling to accept that theory, of there not being an outter being. Seeing as how I study Shambhala, and that includes accepting the inner drala of yourself and the external drala of the universe. Combining these two things, creates that sense of meagic within yourself, as space, time, and matter, soon mean nothing to you. Its a very interesting religion, and I suggest that anyone who is interested in the topic of the universe, pick up a book about Shambhala and read it. But anyways, we soon left the spot, after we waited another 15 minutes for me, to gather myself and my things, and drove to In-N-Out. Where we only encountered an arguement between a woman and these two black guys who seemed to be the secruity for In-N-Out. We ate, had a small conversation with one of the guys, and left. I got home at about 11:44. I was tired, and out of it. I watched some television for about 20 minutes and crashed.

I have to say that apart from the excessive driving, it was a nice night. Definitly an experience I will remember, until the day that I die. So, on this note I must leave you all. I have yet to shower, and I have a college counseling meeting in about an hour. I'll definitly write here later, seeing as how its definitly becoming something I'm enjoying. Have Good One.