Fidget

Fidget

Oh Bridget

How I sit here and fidget

Counting the digits

With feelings

Only appealing

What is his being

He wants to be with you

But he is insecure

And unsure

If everything shown can be true

He needs a light

To be rid of the fright

To accept himself

Stow the past on a shelf

For more secrets

Taught and told

New and old

I begin to scold

And start to fidget

Begin counting the digits

Of my every Bridget

With a new beginning comes a new poem. A new realization of self. I understand why I am unable to sustain a relationship with a girl... And I know saying this is very unattractive to all women, but at least it gives me a foundation on where to begin...

I'm insecure about myself. I'm still trying to live up to expectations, anticipations, and understandings of others. I am not free. I havent been thinking on my own accord. I have been following trends and behaviours that I want to be because I see how happy other people are, and I want their happiness.

Perhaps Im depressed, maybe I cant grasp my own happiness because I dont know what my happiness is.

And so I've decided to keep an open mind. Form my identity, and really figure out what I like, who I like, and why I like whatever "it" may be.

Have a Good One

Confusion

Confusion

And so the confusion sets in

As the illusion grows thin

I infuse within

To defuse my sins

But are my morals right?

Who am I to try and fight?

I have no excuse

I try to find the light

And only receive abuse

And so I become the recluse

Stuck in my head

I cant push further ahead

My feet like lead

With nowhere to go

I stand in the snow

Thinking who would want to sew

The tears and afflictions that I know

Whoever it may be

Show your face to me

And I will admire thy courage

And I will admire thy nobility

And so with fear and awe I stare into the white blank snow

Only trying to keep up with life's chaotic flow

I wrote this poem for one reason and one reason only. I'm confused. Everything that has been happening at this moment in my life, has just sent my head spinning in circles. I dont know whats right, or whats wrong anymore. I feel like I should just set up my own set of morals, but judgement is our reputation in this world. We are judged based upon our actions, and behaviours. What if my behaviours and actions are judged in the eyes of others as wrong? I mean Im a pretty DGAF (Dont Give A Fuck) kinda person. I really dont care what other people think of me. Its just when Im trying to impress someone, or perhaps Im trying to get to know someone better from my own self-intent.

Maybe Im just too much of a push-over. But push-over in the sense that I adapt. So I try to implement so many morals from others into my life. Trying to impress others and keep up a reputation with them as a good person.

I feel like I just shouldnt care anymore. Let people deal with me. Like me for me. Create my own justifications and moralities to use within this chaotic world that we live in to this day.

And then I begin to think. If only I had someone to share life with. Someone I could share personal feelings, opinions, ideas, thoughts, and justifications about my life and about the life that we would be sharing together.

Theres only been one girl in my life thats fulfilled that role. Shes the only girl I've ever said I love you to, and shes the one girl I know will always have an important role in my life. She knows her name, and shes most likely reading it now.

Anyways, I know that life is about the person perceiving it. Life is absurd. I know that to be true as well. Theres no such thing as fate. Only a perspective. And so life becomes chaotic with every waking moment as we try to decipher what we believe to be our problems, our mistakes, and our folly's.

Have a Good One.

No More

I feel like I cant take it anymore. So many girls, all so great, all so fast. Theres just too many girls in my life right now and I almost feel like I cant handle it anymore. I mean as cool as it would sound to any fellow "dude" that I have all these "chicks." It just gets confusing, mentally, psychologically, emotionally... Ive felt attached to so many of these girls in their own special way.

I mean hell, fucking in every blog I write Im talking about some chick and how beautiful I think she is. Its always the same shit, but about a different person. So no, its not bullshit. Its true. I really did think that that girl was magnificent. Or I still really do think that this girl is the best. Now I think Im really going to take the time to clarify my whole girl situation right now. So I can choose a path and really set forth.

Im in the midsts of talking to Ali, a girl that I dated for awhile. Shes bi-curious and is now dating a girl in Minnesota right after breaking up with her long term boyfriend. The in betweens? I have no idea, but what I do know is what she did. Now I can sit here and call her crazy, call her illogical, but I wont, because she experienced what she experienced and whatever it was, whether it been the hurt from former relationships or the enlightenment of newer ones, it brought her to that conclusion. I cant blame her for it, or be mad at her, its almost not her fault in a sense. She has the potential, but I feel like I wouldnt be able to handle a full on dedicated relationship with her.

Amanda hasnt spoken to me in about 2 weeks since I had last told her I liked her. Im not sure if shes nervous or if she might be anxious to have me pursue her since shes probably never experienced a relationship with a guy like me and she doesnt want to get hurt in the process. I dont know and I doubt I ever will till I get back to New Mexico, which Im really nervous about because we havent spoken in awhile and now I just dont feel her in my life anymore... So if this doesnt go somewhere soon I'll drop out.

Lastly, Katherine. Shes the only girl that I feel compatible with. She understands me and I understand her. I've always felt this deeper connection with her, no matter where I am or what Im doing she somehow will cross my mind. I think about her a lot. What shes doing, what it would be like to have her here with me. So many "what if's" I know will never come true because she doesnt feel the same way about me. I love her. I know I do. I cant get her off my mind ever. Shes so much like me in literally every way that I've even envisioned marrying her. Its crazy. So I accepted it. I accepted the fact that I love her and theres nothing I can really do about it. She tells me all the time about how shes confused about me. I would do anything for her.

But as well know, love is agony. And the suffering that comes from it takes a big toll on everyones emotions, psychology, and mentalities. Its a fucked cycle of heartbreak and deceit. I see it every day. All I want is to be a good man, to be loyal and make the girl understand I am there for them. But at the same time, they show me compassion, caring, and understanding as to who I am and what I do. A.. How shall I say it.. A similarity in values... Is what one must look for in another.

And I cannot deny that I have found these values of mine within each and everyone of these girls. They have all been an experience and will continue to be...

Have a Good One