Beware a Hard Drink

Not quite sure why I used that as my title for this blog. It was a line in the play The Crucible. About the Salem witch trials. It begins with accusations, and ends with martyrdom. Interesting play. I would think that the real reason behind me using this as my title. Would be as something to quell the depression I am finding within me again. I promised myself I'd get rid of this, but its coming back. I really need to be rid of this completely.

The one thing I'm having trouble with, is that when I feel this way. Everything seems a lot more intricate, and intriguing. I can't explain it very well.

But hey, everything is alright. I've just gotta pick myself right back up, and move the fuck on. Keep trudging through the sludge of life. Climbing that highest peak, while wind blows down your back. You feel the shiver of life run down your spine, but you keep going. Keep layering yourself with experience. Keeping yourself warm from the harsh winds, the unforgiving cold. Till you reach the top. And once you're there. You can look down the mountain, past other mountains. Take in lifes wonders and glories, as you stare out over the horizon. Realizing that the earth is made up of so much more, and that you...YOU, are the meaning to everything. You, your perspective, your touch, your everything is the worlds meaning. No one else can say otherwise.

I get this feeling in my chest a lot. Where my heart feels like its soaring above the clouds. My mind jumps from place to place, as I imagine the world. Everything in this world. All my past experiences where I've felt or seen the world. That is my escape.

I can't wait to be loved again.

Have A Good One.

Just to Clear the Breeze

It really never worked out between Cleo and I, but at least she helped me finally get back in touch with my nature of expressing love in different ways. So ya, thats it.

Have A Good One.

Writing for the Sake of Writing

Here I am once more, ready to reveal my world unto you, my reader. I doubt anyone reads this anyways, at least unless I ask them too, or if its Alan. (Thanks buddy for reading all mine haha).

Anyways, sitting in my chair bored as I will ever be. I'm sure theres something I could be doing, but I can't really feel my left leg, it kinda fell asleep on me. So anyways, I have come to understand, at least what I think can be seen as, a little piece of the world around me. How love, hooking up, and all that business comes together, in this modern day and age. I guess people just dont give a fuck anymore. I mean alright, I guess Cleo doesnt share those same feelings I have, but whatever. I am understanding a lot right. The explaination would be immense, but I think I'll attempt to explain it.

It kinda goes like this. When someone needs something physical in their life, or someone to at least share themselves with another person, you shouldn't be closed up about it. Nor should you explode into some irrational explaination on how you feel inside. It sounded ridiculous when I first thought about it, but really in the end it all makes sense. Love is real, but love is defined by many in different ways. I'm an easy lover, I accept love quickly and I form feelings for people that are so profound, that even some people can't fathom for how much I love them. But I've decided to adapt, to get with the times, get with the people. Be a man of the modern day.

I can't keep living in fantasy worlds of love, or stories, and poems that I wish could be true. No. It doesn't work like that. If you want me to explain my older perspective of love, it would most likely go as written:

"When a certain gender becomes physically attracted to a different/same gender, and decides to live a small or large portion of their lives with them. When they decide to give up almost anything for that one person, and open up both physically and mentally. To show them the true you. The you that you wouldn't let anyone else see, except that one person you know and trust."

According to some people though, this is all bullshit, or at least a good reason to give up on someone.

I've decided to reform myself, become a different man than I once was, to approach love with more openness, and to withdraw emotions from it. I know it goes against my basic belief, that we are all humans, and given the right, and privilege to love. But I guess it just depends on how you approach it, and how you carry it out.

My new approach to this so called "love game", is to finally accept that I need to be open, stop saving myself, stop trying, stop talking, just let it all come to me. To be relaxed. I have seen the world through this new lens, and it looks fantastic so far. We'll see how this all works out in the future. 

Have A Good One.

3 M's

The three M's stand for, Most Memorable Moment, and I had one last night. Lets just get right to the point here, and say that we had our first kiss. Our First Fucking Kiss. I'm like beyond happy, I'm so happy, that when I go out today, my whole world had just flipped upside down, and everything seemed so bright and enjoyable. I mean, I've always seen that world, through unloved eyes, but today, today, it was different. It was like taking off your sunglasses for the first time, and seeing the world without any kind of lens.

The kiss was fantastic, it was just as I had dreamed it would be like. Parked on top of a hill, looking over the city, taking in all its wonders, and how beautiful it looks at night. I had promised her she could read my journal. So she did, she read all about how I feel about her. Then she read, a PS I added at the end of my last journal entry about her it read "P.S. - If you still haven't said anything Cleo I suggest saying it now, or at least giving me a kiss =)." The song I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie, was playing. She put the book up to her face, as she looked at me with her eyes squinting, trying to break free from herself, at least from what I could tell. Then we got into a conversation, if itd be alright if I did it. And then she did it. She kissed me. I can't even explain how happy I was. It was like....my life was complete. Not only did I feel so happy, but I felt confident. Like the whole world couldn't even stop me. I was ontop of the world, and nothing could bring me down. Even my car not starting afterwards didn't ruin the feeling I had. Louis came and we jump started it. It was pretty funny, and fun at the same time. 

I know I sound ridiculous saying this, but it was the most amazing experience of my entire life. I wish I could live it over and over again, I wish I had Cleo....with me now. But we can't always have what we want. So, I'll let her do what she wants, I am here for her, and she knows that I am here. I promised I wouldn't change, but how the fuck am I supposed to do that. I was touched, my heart rippled after that experience, I'm feeling feelings I've never felt before. God damm, I couldn't keep a promise like that. I love her so much. So much, that I would do anything for her. Shes all thats been on my mind all day, I'm not sure what to do anymore. I want to see her again so badly, but I know the situation shes in. I dont want her to be pressured, I dont want her to feel as if I'm the one she has to love. The one she has to see endlessly. I have to come to terms with that. As much as I love her, I wont make her feel weird about anything. I hope I can do this, please wish me luck..... Im going to need it.

Have A Good One.

"G"

Seriously, I can't fucking hold this hatred back any longer. You know those 59 50 hats or whatever? Well, I'm sick of them. I mean at first, I thought "Hey, these look pretty chill on those guys." A couple of my friends wore em. I thought they looked good in em, but then it got too big. This fad, for these hats has gone too far. People who DONT look good in them are starting to wear them. Some people just wear em, so that they can look "cool" or at least fit in with a crowd they probably shouldnt even belong in. Sure it was nice change of appearance at firt, but then it became something too big. Like really, if its not your crowd, and if its not your style. Then don't wear the fucking hat. It looks fucking ridiculous. Just STOP. And seriously, if you think it ACTUALLY looks good on you, fine. I won't say anything, in fact I'll just shut up, and let you live your life wearing that god damm fucking hat, until you realize, wow, what a stupid fucking fad I was into.

Sorry people, I just saw another friend of mine wearing that hat, and he was never like that. It changed him completely. Theyre ruining the style. Like I cant explain it. I..just...cant take it anymore, its making me sick. 

Ok, I got orchestra. 

Have a Good One.