Paradise

My life so far has been something else. I can't even begin attempting to explain.

During the time I was in that Creative Writing class I was dating this girl named Cassie. It wasn't fun, there was a lot of tension, a lot of fighting, a lot of bickering back and forth. It wasn't healthy at all, and all of my friends surely tried to make me aware of that, but I was too blinded by the fact that I wanted to make things work.

I always just want to make things work.

No matter what the circumstance, I'm always trying to make something out of nothing. Try to make something mean anything more than what it is, but I always remember that this is why I feel better being an existentialist. Trying not to bring any reason to anything, just letting things be as they are, and letting them be as they would like to be. I am the perfect man, there is no doubt about this, but when will I find someone that can settle for me?

I am not saying that I am perfect in the degrees of exercise, or academia, or even cleanliness, but when you get down to the knitty-gritty of what people expect out of love. I am the embodiment of that conceptual understanding. I go beyond the call of duty just to please the girl I'm dating, even if it impairs me in my schoolwork. I don't care, and I can't seem to get myself too care, and from not caring, I tend to attract girls that don't care either.

And so here is the conundrum I am in. I want to be sweet when I shouldn't? And for what reason? Because there is no reason to be loving? To have loved?

No this shouldn't be true. then all that I've ever lived for would be a hoax, and I would regret. Without love, what am I?

Seriously though, I was born and raised off of love, trust, confidence, and support through loving my family and friends. All I want is abundant friends and family, and I get both through love. It is when I decide to be intimate when love becomes something else.

So what does it mean to have a lover?

If I love my lover just as I love my best friend, and yet I love them in an intimate manner from which I gather energy to be inspired to become passionate, not just about the person but about my own life. Having a lover means being in love with not just the actions partaken when around this person, but being in love with the feeling afterwards. This is a lover because they make you love, they show you how to love in different ways that you could never imagine.

Maybe I'm getting too far ahead of myself, my personal experience with love isn't something I'm very proud of, and yet, I've learned so much of love. I know how to love, who I want to love, and when I'd like to love.

Can I say I know what love is right now?

Not really, and will I ever know? Half of me says hopefully, and the other half says fuck that.

Have a Good One.