Loneliness

Its hard to describe what loneliness is without putting a bias upon it, its beneficial and yet detrimental in its own ways. Here I sit, by myself, studying, retaining information that will, in turn, better my future being, but in all honesty I hate working alone. I understand that as a teacher I will not be working alone for the most part, and this has plenty to do with why I chose that career as my goal in life.

I've been feeling this recent separation from the world, as if nothing in my reality actually exists unless I deem it to exist, the decision falls upon my personal interests. Seems pretty closed minded to me. I hate it, but at the same time, I'm benefiting myself so much more by just focusing on my priorities.

Confusion heading amusing thoughts

Knowing knowledge can't be bought

Look how far I got after being taught

By teachers whose salaries are sought

This is not what education is about

Paying a fee for intelligence?

Might as well set me free feeling impetuous

In this world of misunderstood tension

Requirements to pay pension for our social ascension

I'm not sad or depressed when I say fuck this world. Its not from dread or pity, neither from sympathy or care. This conclusion is brought about by the unpredictability and absolute absurdness of the universe. We have but little control over what is said to become in our reality, I know that we have what it takes to willingly pursue dreams, passions, and desires, but this pursuit takes away from the truths of the world, which are unknown. We end up discovering our own truths, which in itself, is a noble and reputable act, but where are the meanings? Behind intention?

We exist, this is true, that cannot be denied that our existence is the pure divine essence of being, but the divinity has transformed into a misconceived notion of individuality. People define themselves as individuals as a part of a bigger community, but the controversy with variety from opinion tears people a part, soon, we can't look at one another the same way again because it is implanted in our subconscious to always view that person as their own individual.

In a sense, we lose that divinity by becoming what our peers view us as, not only have we lost our own individuality, but people don't want to connect with that divinity we all share of existence. We will never be able to look past our own existence if we don't open our minds, understand our reality, and shape our perceptions to share at least one similar value.

Our end is coming, ambition is worthless, idealism is a joke, government isn't trusted, authority is feared by the group it is protecting, the world is turning on its head. As humans we must heed this call of deterioration, as it is but our will to survive that will save us in the end.

Have a Good One

A Fresh Start

This semester has started off completely different as compared to my past 3 semesters. I've been going to class with a clean state of mind, I've been participating with teachers and students within discussions, I've honestly just been trying to focus on myself. I'm in class right now, but once I'm done with class I lose my train of thought and never find the inspiration to write in this blog or in my journals. Its a weird feeling, I guess I just feel expressive in classrooms, except this classroom is purely a lecture without discussion so I find myself getting bored quite frequently when talking about the science/biology behind evolution. Its sure as hell interesting enough, but it doesn't allow for my input as much.

I've been falling behind in personal hygiene, my room is a war zone, my desk is the consequence from my recent bomber raid of books, everything in my reality is a mess, but in my head, everything seems quite clear. Kymba left two days ago, I had to say goodbye to a girl that was better than the rest I have been with. It was rough, but watching her dad's truck turn the corner and leave the parking lot brought a sense of closure for me. My friend Cait started crying, I tried comforting her, but this only made me feel tears in my eyes without them falling to the floor. I kept my sadness within because I have hope. Not hope that I will see Kymba ever again, but hope that there are people out there that suite me. That, I can live my life freely based on my own propositions and priorities whilst being with someone. She proved to me the worst and best things about myself, and I can't thank her enough. I wrote her a poem after she left, I'll put in my blog:

We Live Apart

As we organize your things for collection
We can feel a break in our physical connection
There was not enough time for the slightest recollection
As I kept remembering things I had forgotten to mention
I watched, your fathers red truck preparing to leave
I watched you take what you brought with never a thought
That you're leaving me feeling out of luck
You watch, as I wipe fallen tears on my sleeves
You watch, as my desires and passions get stuck
You watch, as I frantically try to mend and weave
A perspective you have helped me achieve
The truck drives off into the heart of a lonely day
There was not much I could say, whence realizing this is the only way
You packed a part of me, and your essence will always stay
I wish we weren't forced to restart
But life has no plan, maps, or charts
It is unpredictable, and susceptible
Which is why, we live apart


I've lost touch with the "game," girls for me right now are a thing of the past. My present being wants a girl, but I know I can't handle that right now. I'm just hoping I find someone along the way in life, because this loneliness is only bearable for about a year, but once a year is over I forget my priorities and focus on women. I'm thinking maybe I'm not interested in girls right now because I had a fling over break with some girl I had "0" interest in, I only wanted that physical connection in order to relieve my stress from last semester.

I know I'm going to do well this semester, I can feel it inside me, its called ambition, and I can't believe it took me this long to actually feel it. I don't blame weed, I don't blame women, I don't blame the universe for this loss of ambition, I blame myself. I should've been stronger in the past, but I was weak because my past experiences at MIlken definitely didn't prepare me for the social, academic, and lifestyle changes that come with college. Everyone that went to MIlken feels that way, it was just too easy, and now, I'm experiencing hardships, heartbreak, academic struggles, all of which I was never exposed to at Milken.

Being farther from home doesn't help much at all either, its such an interesting experience and I wouldn't change it for the world, but being at home definitely gives me a sense of stability. I get things done in a more orderly fashion when in LA, but I can't go back, I don't want to go back, if I go back, then I lose everything I had whence pushing forward.

I havent seen Lisa at all, I kind of want to text her and see if she would want to hang out, but I feel like she wouldn't appreciate my company. I've changed a lot since we last dated, I still smoke cigarettes, and thats where the line is cut. Sucks, but whatever. I ran into Savannah today, we had lunch together, caught up on things, showed her how much I have changed. Hopefully she reports back to Lisa.

30 more minutes till class is over, I wonder if I can keep writing till the end, probably wont, but I plan on sending Kymba that poem when I get the chance. This entire class has just been a repeat of the last class, mostly based on the reading, which is pretty easy. Ah! Its 4:20! I've implemented a new change in my daily schedule, I only smoke when I'm done with all my work, including, studying, meetings, appointments, work, and of course, class. Well, I think I'm gonna get off, get out of class, do something interesting today.. But more importantly, get shit done..

Have a Good One