All I could ever want right now is you, she sits there across the room, opening her new phone, enjoying a life I'm not a part of. I don't know why I feel so lonely, I know I'm on top of my shit and in my prime by being alone, but I cant handle it. I was just playing music and totally into this blog, but someone else decided to play music atop mine. I hate that. Anyways, I dont even remember what I was thinking, I go off on these thoughts of this girl. I just can't help myself. She's beautiful in her special way of being who she is and understanding others.. Its kinda scary, she opened me up like a book and shes reading my pages over and over again. The whole story of Phil isn't very complicated, I try to keep life as simple as possible, as truthful as I can. I don't know anymore, I shouldn't be in this room. She's tearing me a part on the inside, I want to be around her, but here I am, across the room, across the universe, and she'll never understand what I'm feeling right now..
Louis sent me a message over facebook talking to me about how I am just never around anymore. I mean, thats what I picked up from it. I felt terrible, I wasn't focusing on what was most important to me, my friends, my family, myself. I've just been lost in this world of cruelty and life that I haven't been able to let go of any strife. I hang on to it and let it shape me, when really, I shouldn't focus on that, or even this.. I should just focus on who I am as a person and what I want to be. Man.. There went my chance to play music again..
They all laugh, making jokes, coloring, listening to soft piano with a gentle voice to accompany. I ran into Aggie today, we talked a bit, and I didn't know what to think or feel. I guess I'd be down with that again, but, I'm not sure.. I feel like that was only supposed to happen once, cause it definitely didn't happen twice, and I think that if it did, it would only fuck me up more than I am right now. I don't need anymore emotional distress..
I should probably go, they're making fun of me now. I hate this place sometimes. I need to leave and go hang out with some people who really appreciate my company and don't just have fun with me all the time.
Have a Good One
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Myself
Myself
An Amish man plays on his iPad as sweet tones of ambient Explosions in the Sky fill my ears with timed rhythmic happiness. My pencil touches paper vigorously, but now I type with precision, completely counteracting the previous surface’s motion. It was actually getting harder and harder to write whilst on that train, I was just looking to pass time, as endless as it is. I felt so lonely, I didn’t sleep that night, and all I could think about was smoking. My other option was to watch a movie, but if I had watched another I’m pretty sure I would’ve spewed up the wonderful steak dinner I indulged in just before this moment of clarity. Being in my head isn’t always a good thing, I over think everything, I try to make dreams come true, but I end up creating expectations bound to be broken. I create another paradise of happiness for me to shipwreck upon. Oh loneliness if only you knew the heart wrenching feeling of your inspiration. Your creations lead the strongest of willed men to annihilation, but lead me, to gain temptation.
I felt so conflicted, as if inflicted with this emotion I’ve never considered before. It’s a mixture of ego and humility, love and hate, a bipolar relationship with myself, but not between two personalities. I felt torn, but reborn, as if I was scorned and then sympathized. I was stuck in my head. Everything around me was affecting my core being so much that I withdrew within myself. I wanted to interact with the beauty around me, but the ugly thoughts interfered, all the consequences, reactions, emotions, a combination of the worst destroying dreams, hope, and desires. I didn’t know what to think anymore, I wanted to get on my shit, but I was so tired. I felt like my whole body and spirit was depleted fully of its ambitious empowerment over me. A new girl was entering my life; she’s wonderful, one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, to the point where she is becoming my demise. I wanted to believe that something like this could carry on leading us to fall in love with all the potential that it entails, but time will not allow for such things to take place, especially so quickly. I want her, and I know I’m getting attached, but I’ve got to remember to take it slowly. Time moves on, excessively pushing me onwards, allowing no time for myself, no time to do anything, just enough time to fulfill my obligation to the society that we are forced to survive in. Our world is stressful because it has so many experiences compacted into one perspective, one observation, and one view of the world.
All I want is to let go, “Turn on, tune in, and drop out,” famous words spoken by Timothy Leary, a professor at Harvard University in the 1960’s, he had it right. He understands the follies and fallacies that come with living in this modernistic world of materialism and misconceptions. It took psilocybin and some drops of acid to break free from his illusion of reality to discover the balance that comes from the truth. I want to go somewhere else with what little money I have in my pocket, only to find myself in a foreign city to discover another part of my identity. Discovery comes with experience, and the farther you leave your former identity, whether it be leaving home, or a change in character, discovery will always be the cause of your personal evolution. This world has this tendency to pick me up only to beat me down, my pointless endless search for happiness is running me into the ground. But what is pure happiness? We can all say that happiness is an emotion that we all feel when experiencing something of good nature that affects us personally, perhaps a child’s birth, a kiss from a lover, finishing that paper, or even clocking out after a hard day at work. As humans we’re so used to being satisfied with what we do and how we do it, we hate being dragged into things and being told what to do, its what defines our individuality and separates us as humans. This essay is all over the place, but that’s what my personality pertains. I’m just a man scrambling his mind up over good intentions, forgetting his priorities trying to care for others over himself. I’ve forgotten how to carry out certain things; mostly what actually makes me happy, I’ve become so infatuated with other people that their happiness becomes mine. I want to hang out with this girl all day, but there’s a day wasted towards a relationship that requires me to stay at UNM, from which I am in jeopardy of being suspended from.
I tell myself everyday that I can do it, but I wake up everyday feeling the opposite, so I try to make my days as productive as possible. I still am unsure if I’ll make it or not, hopefully my dreams won’t be crushed by this meaningless mistake in my life. I only claim it to be meaningless because it has taught me nothing, I will always be a good student, but my flaws will never leave in certain subjects. I had this thought in Math 120 because I’m already thoroughly confused in that class, in fact, I felt better after having dropped that class. I felt myself again, slowing down my pace in college a little bit more, My mother was not too pleased with my actions, but I told her I’d take classes over the summer to which she yelled at me. I wanted to give up, but I wouldn’t, Tom Petty’s words will forever echo in my head, “No I won’t back down, you can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I’ll stand my ground, and I wont back down.” I was facing gates of hell while sitting in heaven; I couldn’t see or feel the fiery hot gates because it was too comfortable on cloud nine. I’ve stated my problem; I love happiness so much that every time I feel the slightest amount of happiness it means the world to me. You have to understand though, how important happiness is to me, I guess you could say it’s important for almost anyone. Happiness has tricked me before, there’s such a thing as false happiness, whether it comes in the form of an infatuation for someone who views you as meaningless, or the happiness that comes from escapism. It’s this artificial feeling that we’re doing something right, I always find myself taking part in artificial happiness. I try to escape my reality by convincing myself that what I’m doing is right. Nothing is really “right,” something may feel right, but that may not mean it is right. My last girlfriend, Lisa, made everything feel right; I almost felt at home, I was on top of my shit. Phil was a better person in society, but he wasn’t really Phil, the real Phil has no room in this world to shine, Phil will always be the unrecognized, misunderstood, and unseen.
I’m crumbling, only stumbling to rebuild what’s broken
I don’t know why I try to redeem what has already been lost
I’m choking at the sight of what it might cost
I’m mumbling, my tongue tumbling to transcribe what can’t be said
I don’t know why you won’t let me speak my mind
I’m fed up with what you’ve left behind
I’m fumbling, only humbly asking to stay with me
I don’t know why I can’t have you tonight
But I’m happy knowing I can live this moment, not feeling any fright
Middle School was shitty for me; I went to a Jewish private school called Milken. I was beat up everyday, no one liked me, and I was failing all my classes. I almost committed suicide three times along with running away from home with no plan to come back. At the time I was very serious about pulling half of those things off, and many times the idea of suicide has seemed appealing, but never something I would do. People would miss me; I’d even miss myself. This happens to be one of the greatest reasons for my choice in philosophical ideals, hence why I’m an existentialist. Life is so absurd, full of nothing, just a universe of existence. We have all this power in our reality but our misconceptions of our perceptions only become deceptive as we live our lives trying to get to that final destination. I figured living a care free life would be the best way to counteract a meaningless world, almost as if I was dreaming.
All I want in life, is for someone to take my hand, look me in the eye, and tell me, “lets do this together.” I’m not talking about the materialistic idea of marriage, I’m talking about companionship, I’m talking about a desire for someone, what I’m really trying to say is, love. If the reader has read my journals, then you have the advantage of understanding how much love means to me. I realize that I want people to care, because I want to care, but I can’t. I’m stuck caring for myself, tired and hungry, without love. This world is hypocritical in every aspect, but that’s where the balance lies. This balance is within us all, we just need to sort it out to our liking so we can live comfortably. Its hard to find that balance, we want so much happiness to make it easier feeling that certain balance, that we end up forgetting the bigger picture. We forget the universe we’re in. Have you ever been with a lover and just forgotten the world? It may seem like a good thing, focusing so much effort and thought into love, but you’re awareness is affected. Sometimes its good to escape from this world, sometimes, its good to hold someone, you know, feels the same way. Confusion is balance, we find ourselves in such hypocritical situations that we contradict ourselves, but this is that balance.
It’s interesting thinking about the bigger picture; I love taking a step back to see what’s going on. It helps me when I feel stuck in a certain situation, I try to step back and see where the real truth lies, to not be rational, just balanced. Everything that’s happened to me in the past relates to our present being, and this present being effects my future being. Our being as a whole is the time we perceive and our evolution of that balance. Anyways, I’m losing track of myself in this essay, but I feel a lot better, in touch with whom I am. I really needed that trip down memory lane to remember who I was and will always be.
An Amish man plays on his iPad as sweet tones of ambient Explosions in the Sky fill my ears with timed rhythmic happiness. My pencil touches paper vigorously, but now I type with precision, completely counteracting the previous surface’s motion. It was actually getting harder and harder to write whilst on that train, I was just looking to pass time, as endless as it is. I felt so lonely, I didn’t sleep that night, and all I could think about was smoking. My other option was to watch a movie, but if I had watched another I’m pretty sure I would’ve spewed up the wonderful steak dinner I indulged in just before this moment of clarity. Being in my head isn’t always a good thing, I over think everything, I try to make dreams come true, but I end up creating expectations bound to be broken. I create another paradise of happiness for me to shipwreck upon. Oh loneliness if only you knew the heart wrenching feeling of your inspiration. Your creations lead the strongest of willed men to annihilation, but lead me, to gain temptation.
I felt so conflicted, as if inflicted with this emotion I’ve never considered before. It’s a mixture of ego and humility, love and hate, a bipolar relationship with myself, but not between two personalities. I felt torn, but reborn, as if I was scorned and then sympathized. I was stuck in my head. Everything around me was affecting my core being so much that I withdrew within myself. I wanted to interact with the beauty around me, but the ugly thoughts interfered, all the consequences, reactions, emotions, a combination of the worst destroying dreams, hope, and desires. I didn’t know what to think anymore, I wanted to get on my shit, but I was so tired. I felt like my whole body and spirit was depleted fully of its ambitious empowerment over me. A new girl was entering my life; she’s wonderful, one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, to the point where she is becoming my demise. I wanted to believe that something like this could carry on leading us to fall in love with all the potential that it entails, but time will not allow for such things to take place, especially so quickly. I want her, and I know I’m getting attached, but I’ve got to remember to take it slowly. Time moves on, excessively pushing me onwards, allowing no time for myself, no time to do anything, just enough time to fulfill my obligation to the society that we are forced to survive in. Our world is stressful because it has so many experiences compacted into one perspective, one observation, and one view of the world.
All I want is to let go, “Turn on, tune in, and drop out,” famous words spoken by Timothy Leary, a professor at Harvard University in the 1960’s, he had it right. He understands the follies and fallacies that come with living in this modernistic world of materialism and misconceptions. It took psilocybin and some drops of acid to break free from his illusion of reality to discover the balance that comes from the truth. I want to go somewhere else with what little money I have in my pocket, only to find myself in a foreign city to discover another part of my identity. Discovery comes with experience, and the farther you leave your former identity, whether it be leaving home, or a change in character, discovery will always be the cause of your personal evolution. This world has this tendency to pick me up only to beat me down, my pointless endless search for happiness is running me into the ground. But what is pure happiness? We can all say that happiness is an emotion that we all feel when experiencing something of good nature that affects us personally, perhaps a child’s birth, a kiss from a lover, finishing that paper, or even clocking out after a hard day at work. As humans we’re so used to being satisfied with what we do and how we do it, we hate being dragged into things and being told what to do, its what defines our individuality and separates us as humans. This essay is all over the place, but that’s what my personality pertains. I’m just a man scrambling his mind up over good intentions, forgetting his priorities trying to care for others over himself. I’ve forgotten how to carry out certain things; mostly what actually makes me happy, I’ve become so infatuated with other people that their happiness becomes mine. I want to hang out with this girl all day, but there’s a day wasted towards a relationship that requires me to stay at UNM, from which I am in jeopardy of being suspended from.
I tell myself everyday that I can do it, but I wake up everyday feeling the opposite, so I try to make my days as productive as possible. I still am unsure if I’ll make it or not, hopefully my dreams won’t be crushed by this meaningless mistake in my life. I only claim it to be meaningless because it has taught me nothing, I will always be a good student, but my flaws will never leave in certain subjects. I had this thought in Math 120 because I’m already thoroughly confused in that class, in fact, I felt better after having dropped that class. I felt myself again, slowing down my pace in college a little bit more, My mother was not too pleased with my actions, but I told her I’d take classes over the summer to which she yelled at me. I wanted to give up, but I wouldn’t, Tom Petty’s words will forever echo in my head, “No I won’t back down, you can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I’ll stand my ground, and I wont back down.” I was facing gates of hell while sitting in heaven; I couldn’t see or feel the fiery hot gates because it was too comfortable on cloud nine. I’ve stated my problem; I love happiness so much that every time I feel the slightest amount of happiness it means the world to me. You have to understand though, how important happiness is to me, I guess you could say it’s important for almost anyone. Happiness has tricked me before, there’s such a thing as false happiness, whether it comes in the form of an infatuation for someone who views you as meaningless, or the happiness that comes from escapism. It’s this artificial feeling that we’re doing something right, I always find myself taking part in artificial happiness. I try to escape my reality by convincing myself that what I’m doing is right. Nothing is really “right,” something may feel right, but that may not mean it is right. My last girlfriend, Lisa, made everything feel right; I almost felt at home, I was on top of my shit. Phil was a better person in society, but he wasn’t really Phil, the real Phil has no room in this world to shine, Phil will always be the unrecognized, misunderstood, and unseen.
I’m crumbling, only stumbling to rebuild what’s broken
I don’t know why I try to redeem what has already been lost
I’m choking at the sight of what it might cost
I’m mumbling, my tongue tumbling to transcribe what can’t be said
I don’t know why you won’t let me speak my mind
I’m fed up with what you’ve left behind
I’m fumbling, only humbly asking to stay with me
I don’t know why I can’t have you tonight
But I’m happy knowing I can live this moment, not feeling any fright
Middle School was shitty for me; I went to a Jewish private school called Milken. I was beat up everyday, no one liked me, and I was failing all my classes. I almost committed suicide three times along with running away from home with no plan to come back. At the time I was very serious about pulling half of those things off, and many times the idea of suicide has seemed appealing, but never something I would do. People would miss me; I’d even miss myself. This happens to be one of the greatest reasons for my choice in philosophical ideals, hence why I’m an existentialist. Life is so absurd, full of nothing, just a universe of existence. We have all this power in our reality but our misconceptions of our perceptions only become deceptive as we live our lives trying to get to that final destination. I figured living a care free life would be the best way to counteract a meaningless world, almost as if I was dreaming.
All I want in life, is for someone to take my hand, look me in the eye, and tell me, “lets do this together.” I’m not talking about the materialistic idea of marriage, I’m talking about companionship, I’m talking about a desire for someone, what I’m really trying to say is, love. If the reader has read my journals, then you have the advantage of understanding how much love means to me. I realize that I want people to care, because I want to care, but I can’t. I’m stuck caring for myself, tired and hungry, without love. This world is hypocritical in every aspect, but that’s where the balance lies. This balance is within us all, we just need to sort it out to our liking so we can live comfortably. Its hard to find that balance, we want so much happiness to make it easier feeling that certain balance, that we end up forgetting the bigger picture. We forget the universe we’re in. Have you ever been with a lover and just forgotten the world? It may seem like a good thing, focusing so much effort and thought into love, but you’re awareness is affected. Sometimes its good to escape from this world, sometimes, its good to hold someone, you know, feels the same way. Confusion is balance, we find ourselves in such hypocritical situations that we contradict ourselves, but this is that balance.
It’s interesting thinking about the bigger picture; I love taking a step back to see what’s going on. It helps me when I feel stuck in a certain situation, I try to step back and see where the real truth lies, to not be rational, just balanced. Everything that’s happened to me in the past relates to our present being, and this present being effects my future being. Our being as a whole is the time we perceive and our evolution of that balance. Anyways, I’m losing track of myself in this essay, but I feel a lot better, in touch with whom I am. I really needed that trip down memory lane to remember who I was and will always be.
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