A Springs Day

I stepped outside yesterday and the weather was beautiful, the world was just absolutely gorgeous. I felt like my insides were all tangled up as I fell in love with my surroundings. The most vivid scene. Green everywhere.

Its a start to a new life. I haven't really been thinking about girls since Katherine. I still will have that little piece of me that still loves her, and I can feel it. Every time I go on facebook I feel it. Every time I listen to certain songs. Every time I'm back in LA. She'll really never leave me. I read her blog last night, just because I was curious as to what was going on, and she's got another guy. This guy apparently hooked up with her and told all of his guy friends and his guy friends have been harassing her. I dont like this. I really dont. I was worried this was going to happen, and it has. I am not blaming myself. I am saying that this was definitely predicted way before she and I even got started. I want to be there for her, protect her, tell those guys to go fuck themselves. It hurts, because I want to be there.

She on the other hand, is not the same. We talked a little while ago, and all she said in the end was that she couldnt see us being "bff"s anytime soon. I knew what was wrong with our conversation. I wanted to say so much more to her. Tell her how great she is, how pretty she is, how much I miss her, how much I really still want her to be here. But I couldnt. Although I came to accept in our conversation that whats over is over.

"They got nothin' on you baby."

Anyways, lifes been so great. Ive been working out, summers coming up, and Im doing a lot better with my money. Every things been great. Life is fantastic! :D Especially Spring. Spring has made every thing so much more beautiful.

And so I wrote a poem about it:

A Springs Day

In the light of a dying day

As the trees slowly sway

To a rhythm that keeps me at bay

Me soul, bloated, contorted, aborted

I wait for a spark, a time to get started

And so on dusks like this

I tend to reminisce

As I think and miss

The bliss from a kiss

Is it really that bad to want someone so?

But let me as you this

Is it really that bad to love someone you know?

To let go of reality and move with the flow?

I want to take hold of a hand

Search out insecurities and take a stand

I want to hear trumpets from a band

As we both smile, laugh, and land

In a field of flowers so grand

I dream every night

And wake up sweating, in fright

That I seriously just might

Never see that light

But I never lose that hope

With feelings, unto which I can cope

Just another spring day

Throwing myself into the fray

Have a Good One!

Passion

I can't believe I'm up at this time. I have thoughts ambushing me left and right. I feel trapped, confused, with priorities and responsibilities. I've been really trying to get my life on track. I've been getting straight A's in college, and am currently getting my lifeguard license. I'm really looking to move out and get my own place. Life has been... Life. Its weird how the future just pushes on, pushes its way into your life. Its like you can never get a chance to really appreciate a moment for what it is. Life just moves too fast.

I'm full of passion. Passion I can't express. I know I miss her. I miss her more than a man would miss the daylight en-prisoned for life in a dark room lonely room. I loved her. And I still do. I know I do. I told her it would never leave me. I've definitely broken free from what was, an interesting state of affairs. But that passion, I yearn for it, I awake everyday and taste the sweet sensation of what I could make of it once again, what I could rekindle, but I don't do it.

I think about her everyday. Who the fuck am I kidding... And now she's talking about kissing other boys? I can't handle it... For almost a year now, I've been wanting nothing more than to kiss her. I mean, fuck, I'm not going to be that hurt by it. I'm not a little kid. I'm a man. I'm just upset... Perhaps jealous... I'm going crazy again, every time I think about her, I go crazy.

One things for sure though. I definitely know what's causing this. Its my passion. My love. My emotion. Its what's real. I know that too. The question is, is it what I want as a reality? So many questions, such little time.

Have a Good One