Elementary Bullying

I was talking to Tracy last night, which is a whole other story which Ive written down in my journals, but more importantly I was talking to her about all the bullying and social isolation I had experienced up until I was 19. I really never had a lot of friends, I had some, I had acquaintances, I've had best friends and close friends, but those numbers aren't very large. For the most part, I've been quite lonely my whole life. Finally, for the first time in 20 years, I've felt happiness, having a wonderful woman in my life, figuring out my graduation, being a lifeguard for 2 years, renting out my own house, I mean fuck, I have A LOT going for me right now.

Although currently, I dont feel very happy, Im not sure where all this is going, I have stability, I have plans, but none of it is giving me this gratification in life that I've been trying to feel for so long. I think it all starts with the bullying I experienced throughout elementary school, middle school, and high school. I always expected more for myself in my future, every time a bully would call me a name, push me over, spit on me, punch me, kick me, isolate me completely from everyone else, I always knew in my heart that I would be the better person. Not in a selfish, "Oh look at me and my ego," sort of way, but in a way that I thought everyone was stupid for the way they treated me.

I remember in elementary school, I went to Adat Ari El, I experienced a fair share of bullying, I never meant to harm anyone, I really didnt, I merely wanted to express who I was as a human being, as Phil. I knew I was weird, I knew I had different aspirations than school, I failed every test, I never did my homework, I didnt read a single book in elementary school, I fucked around so much, that it came to the point where my teachers would ask me for my homework and I'd look them straight in the eye and say, "I didnt do it, I didnt want to." Always thinking in my head, "So what are you going to do about it?" They never did anything, I still passed, I managed to get through elementary school through bullshiting. This doesnt mean I was stupid, I studied everything outside the classroom, I knew so much about American Military history, I knew so much about wildlife in the desert, I knoew tons and tons about Native American culture, I knew so much more than anyone could ever know about themselves, and I was only 11. I was maturing faster than my classmates, and I knew this, they knew this. They were a part of this "group" that was my class, and I just wasnt a part of it, I had nothing to do with it. This is why they picked me on me. They called me names, they wouldnt pick me for sports teams, whenever the boys would go on adventures I would be excluded, it was endless. My only friends were Sam Freiberger, and Daniel Barazani. I honestly dont know how I wouldve made it without them. Daniel was cool, but Sam wasn't. Sam got picked on as much as I did, so we stuck together. He was too crazy for me, he always wanted to break the rules, I never did. I'll never understand why I didnt want to break the rules, Im sure its because I was already on thin ice for writing a letter to my Judaism teacher in 4th grade calling her a "Fucking asshole, you stupid fucking bitch, trying to call me out on nothing, fuck you." She received the letter, she picked it up off my desk as I was writing it in class, I was always doing something I shouldnt have been doing in class. My teachers even picked on me... My school experience in elementary school never got better, it only got worst. I was always the smarter one, but never treated in such a way academically or socially.

A couple of memories that stand out in particular, 2nd grade, we were going on a field trip around the block to pretend that our grade was going through the suffrage of Passover by crossing boulevards instead of deserts. While we were conglomerating, Aaron, who was actually Moses in this whole reenactment said, lets kill the Egyptians! Some of our classmates were dressed as Egyptians, I was one of those. Everyone started attacked everyone, I didnt want to get involved, but suddenly someone came running at me with a stick, so I picked up a rock and said, "STOP!" I didnt throw the rock, I held it in my hand, firmly grasping it for dear life, thinking this stick was bound to hurt me badly. Out of nowhere, our teacher appears, and she yells, "PHIL! Come with me, youre in big trouble." I hadn't done anything, I didn't start anything, I wanted to protect myself, and yet there I was, sitting in the classroom, waiting for my entire class to get back from their little journey together. They even filmed the journey, and I wasn't in the film because I wasn't there because they thought I was a troublemaker.

Another memory from elementary school, was in 6th grade, I had finally thought I had experienced some form of unification with my grade since we were all graduating together. We used to have a school outside, so the staircases that led to the second floor had two flights, and in between the two flights was a railing and a place you could jump off and skip one flight if you were on your way down the stairs. One day, my entire grade decided it'd be really fun and cool if they all jumped off because we were graduating so what does it matter. Everyone was jumping and I was just watching, I even warned them before they began, that there was a security camera filming the whole thing, no one listened to me, they never did. As everyone proceeded to jump, no one got hurt, but it was clear someone could have. I walked away after about 10 minutes of it all, and Im not sure if they were caught doing any of this, or if they ended up getting away before a teacher arrived, but what I do remember. They had us all gather in the Synagogue, and the principal, along with my teachers, all stood before the class and said, "We know what you all did, we saw it on the camera, but we dont know who exactly jumped." They called me up, and said, "Phil, we saw you in the video, come up here and point out everyone who jumped." I said, "No, I dont want to, this isnt my business, I can't do this." They threatened to not let me graduate, so I stood up there and pointed out several of my classmates who were all THOROUGHLY mad at me for putting their graduations in danger. They blamed me, no one else, not themselves, not the teachers, not the security cameras, me. I didnt graduate with friends, I graduated with enemies.

Anyways, I have more to write, so many memories are coming back to me that include my elementary school life. I was such a fucking jackass, and yet I really just tried to stay out of things whenever I could. I knew people liked to laugh at me, I knew they thought I was some joke, and I let them laugh, I let them have their fun, and I tried to have fun in doing so. The outcome, wasn't the best, but at least I've turned out to be a better, more open minded man than any of them.

Have A Good One

And remember, always look on the bright side of life