A Crumbling Conclusion

Who would've ever thought, that feeling so confident, and so invincible in life could be taken away from you so quickly. Everything was great, I had a wonderful girlfriend, I was excelling at work, and I was actually able to hone in and focus in school. On April 4th, 2011, I decided to take a day for myself. I figured I had worked so hard to get where I wanted to be, so why not take a night off and just enjoy myself. I did, and ended having the best day, but even worst week of my life..

It started off with me studying for Math, I was doing so well on my homework that I didn't actually care what was about to happen next, in fact, I was inspired by the invitation that was approaching me, and decided to grab hold, to make something of an opportunity, as I usually do. Becca walks into the room, I lazily lay back in my chair, nonchalantly chewing my pencil, listening to electro house, waiting for work at 4. She tells me she's bored, and I tell her I'm feeling the same. I abruptly shut off my computer, packed my stuff, and exclaimed, lets go to the park, I'll bring a blanket, my soccer ball, and we can just have a good time. She was so happy, that her nods seemed like she was about to shake her head off, as she excitedly burst from the chair to get ready. The rest of the day, I decided to go out of my way, so that I could show this girl, and share with her, my time. I wanted us to live a moment together, to share an affection for one another, meaning, if one of us had randomly left the park midway fun, the other would feel obliged to follow, to stay close to a companion. This was my intention..

The day went so well, we played soccer, gave each other back rubs, watched puppies play in the park, talked about life and personal experiences. We were both so happy, but I guess, one may feel happier to be around the other, whilst the other may reciprocate with action under different intentions to be happy. Thats where life gets confusing, its not that someone led anyone else on, it's all just based on a level of artificial communication. A game that we all play to have that girl for the night, or even, for the rest of our lives. We beat around the bush to keep interest alive, and yet, if we were just blunt about things, we may be able to avoid the heartbreak, but love wouldn't feel like love anymore.

The reasoning to love, is that we cry when losing someone that we had spent much experience with, as well as, backgrounds that shaped someones well being, now ripped away by the absurdities of life's lineage motion. Love is pain and agony, and even though we get to experience moments of happiness as portrayed in the above paragraph, in the end, there will be suffering on someones part.

That night, I had several people over at my place for drinking, and chilling out. Becca was there, along with her roommate, and several of her other friends. They all left, and it was now 130AM, I decided to invite Becca outside to smoke a cigarette. At this moment, I told her, "I may regret this moment for the rest of my life if I don't ask this question, but, can I kiss you?" At which point she grabbed the back of my head, pushed my face to hers, as lips touched lips, euphoria entered my body, like nothing I had ever felt before. It was like I had gotten my first kiss all over again, here was Becca, an almost untouched beauty, with long flowing blonde mixed with brown hair. A face that welcomes the lover with innocence and desire. A facial complexion, and body that had me astounded, curves that seemed sculpted by Michelangelo himself, with a stance that says, "I am here, and I have entered your life, try and deny me, and you deny yourself of what is beautiful."

The next couple of days, I couldn't contain myself. I had changed back into the Phil that had received his first kiss. I was so, in love with the moment, so, in love with this girl, that I wasn't sure how to handle anything. She had been a friend of mine since the beginning of the year, Kymba's soulmate, a girl that I would turn to just out of interest. Becca, legitimately, interested me, as I had never met such a naive girl with such life and wonder. I had to know who she was, and so, every once in awhile, during my first semester Sophomore year, I attempted at getting to know her.. As a friend..

Well, after that night, she didn't want to do anything more but kiss me, as I was still with Sydney at the time. Heres where I began to feel like an asshole. I was so enthralled by desire and lust, that I fell in love, and fell out of touch with a girl that was actually helping me through a lot. I threw it all down the drain because I thought Becca and I would be perfect. I was so wrong. I had to tell Sydney that I felt happier with Becca, and that I didn't feel happiness with her anymore, she was just that asset in my life, she would just be "that" girl, and I didn't want that to be the case. She felt mutually and we broke up on good terms, but then I pursued Becca and fucked everything up. She was in my head and I couldn't get her out, my whole world was revolving around her, and I couldn't stop the revolution. She had officially taken over my behaviors. I hope that its easier to understand now, that it was me that went crazy, and it was near impossible for me to not feel the way I felt. I wanted her every second of my life, and I knew this wasn't the reality of the situation, and yet I forced it upon everyone.

I guess you could say, that the failure here, was a failure to communicate on both our parts. I tried to communicate with her, but ended up communicating with her entire community of friends first cause I couldn't get things off my chest so easily. Everyone was appalled, some applauded, some shamed, some depressed by my actions. I realized that how egotistical I had gotten, I had forgotten to consider others, and instead, only considered myself. There is nothing wrong with this in life, but, if you want to be happy, your happiness sometimes must emulate from others.

Now I sit here in class, alone, bored, and dreading work. I hate the fact finals are coming up, and my brain feels like its going to explode with the amount of priorities I've been forced to focus on. Its not because of procrastination, because I have yet to do that this semester. Its something else, and its not depression, its... loneliness...

Not like I haven't experienced this before, but wow, it sucks to a whole new degree currently. Especially when you figure out, a girl you invested so much love, care, and kindness into, turned their back on you just for one night, to hook up with someone who hasn't even done half the things I did, and would do, for her. Just a random dude, who probably had bigger muscles than me, or was probably more confident in his actions. Great job girls, you really made your reputation quite clear in my life.. Now look whos the asshole? You wonder why girls get called bitches sometimes, well heres your reason.. I'm not saying its bad, I even call myself a fuck, or an asshole, but you need to realize the moments where you've acted upon a situation in such a manner. You need to be able to say to yourself, "That was wrong, I dont regret my decision, but the guilt will kill me if I don't display even the slightest honesty to whomever I might've wronged."

Instead, this girl never told me, she told all of her friends, which were mine as well, and still no one told me. I think this was a pretty heartbreaking moment for me, I know shes gone, but I hate how when I'm a nice guy and all I'm rewarded with is bullshit. I'll still be nice, in order to prove to the world that everyone isn't THAT bad, and their intentions are usually of good nature. I just wish I was considered more, I'm not saying people aren't thoughtful as is, but it would just be appreciated a lot on my part if you thought of me first, before you acted. I try to consider everyone in my situations, and yet, no one cares about Phil's feelings, fuck Phil, he's too nice to care. Wonderful, thanks for trying to make me hate. Well guess what, I love you, and theres nothing you can do to change that.

Sydney ended up sleeping with my neighbour Chris, she's a nympho, not a ho, she just likes sex, and I have no right to blame her for what she did. The ONLY question I raise, is, was it really necessary to sleep with my neighbour? I'm pretty sure he's not the ONLY guy on the planet she could've rebounded with. I honestly don't care who she has sex with either, and I would prefer not knowing, but when you put ideas in my head whilst I see you walk into his dorm room at 1130 PM, drunk as fuck, and see you walk out at 730 AM, as you go to work. It just feels weird, it feels like, if that wall in my dorm wasn't there, it would've been impossible to avoid the sight of an ugly truth. I really wish you wouldn't have done that Sydney, it really wasn't right, and now its kind of hard for me to forgive you, as well as, Chris, for doing what you did, but I have. I made my amends with Chris, I talked to her about it, and I feel better, as if I have moved on, I just wish I didn't have to have that conversation.. Not during the haircut she was giving me, not about the truth, and definitely not about him.

I need someone to care for me, I really really do, I cant keep turning to my writing, or my security blanket for support anymore. My friends have their own goals and values in life, and here I am, just trying to make sense of things all by myself. Its a crumbling conclusion, and I'm stuck picking up the debris..

Have a Good One