Free

I have no inspiration, I have no real ambition anymore, I'm just a cabbage stuck in its patch waiting to be picked. People have no interest in me anymore, I have no reason to be interested in others anymore, my life has turned, I'm growing up, I just never thought that it would be in this manner. Why must I become more close minded in my reality? Why must I deny peoples existence in my perception? Is it because of how mistreated I've felt? Is it because I can't find happiness in another?

I've lost touch with romance, I've lost touch with the passion of life, I am a robot now who feels no emotion. But not really, all thats needed is someone to figure out my codex before they start punching in passwords in order to reveal my identity.. I feel the loneliness more than ever before. Fuck I miss Kymba, and she'll never give me a sign of life. We left it off at a horridly awkward conversation over Facebook. I wrote her letter, I'm going to mail it to her, and leave it at that. Hopefully she writes back, but she doesn't care, as all girls. They never care.

I texted Lisa yesterday, she texted me back this morning apologizing for being at work with no availability to text me back, I believe it, but I also know that people tend to forget, she had availability, but I was not the priority nor was I even on the list of things "to be excited about." The whole conversation over texts was one sided, mostly involving me asking simple questions of living. Then I asked the kicker, if she'd like to hang out since we haven't caught up in awhile, to which she replied, "maybe, im pretty busy." Apparently I made the list of, "ignored." I hate it. Its not my style, and now I know why we would've never worked out.

I texted Ali as well, who was very excited to hear from me as we reminisced about old times getting coffee, tanning outside, cooking in the dorms, cuddling n watching movies, as well as, the endless back rubs I offered lol. Hopefully I get to see her again, I'd love to continue a friendship with her, even though we only talk on occasion.

As for the other two, I hope they want to stay friends at least, I know I still pursue romanticism with Kymba, and I will stop, I just want to send this last letter. I will make that very clear in the letter too, that this is my last outreach to try and make my way into her heart, as she has made her way into my perspective. Lisa doesn't look too promising, she's dating an ex right now, and god forbid he thinks I'm trying to take her away from him. I really, am, a nice guy, and no one can handle that.

So I've had to bottle up the "nice" inside, and bring about rationality as opposed to desire, so that I may learn more. It sucks that I have to go back n forth, I wish I could just be passionate, or just be rational, why can't I be both? Well I guess I could be, I just have to choose rational desires, but what does that consist of? Maybe deducing that hiking is better than smoking, or, studying for school is better than being distracted by a girlfriend.. But what about mixing and matching? For instance, having a girlfriend that matches and believes in the rational decisions you make for yourself, or, hiking so that you may camp at the top of a mountain for a smoke.. Its all about balance.

I believe people aren't down for balance because its time consuming. Who wants to overanalyze anyways? Isn't it criticized in society if you're over thinking a certain situation that people believe doesn't require the time or effort? Well how about this, society has forced humans, well not forced, but made humans believe that life is about individuality and how that individual benefits society, creating almost, a pure identity that cannot be matched by others. People believe that by not focusing on this goal of obtaining a pure identity that we lose touch with ourselves. When in reality, we are most in touch with ourselves when in love, or drunk, or high, or in the midsts of sex, or taking a hallucinogenic trip, all of these actions allow for moments of vulnerability, moments of clarity.

Now these aren't the only ways to achieve a sense of pure self, I do believe mediation will bring you to that moment of clarity, as well as spiritual experiences either affiliated with a religion or even an unexpected miracle of the universe, a good example could be the miracle of life.

Enough about all this, I say the same thing every time just with different examples, I know my point of view to be true, and not because of a self-confident stubborn ego, but rather, the world should know the same shit keeps happening to me. I know no one cares, who the fuck reads this blog anyways, I have no followers, pretty sure the only person that ever followed my blog was Louis. I had to show everyone else certain blogs, there's just so much information out there to know, so many other blogs that people enjoy reading. I do this for myself, and only myself. If people are interested, then so be it. I may even post my blog on my Facebook, who knows..

This class is so boring, I lied, its actually very interesting. I love evolution, I love it all, but I feel so down trodden today that I can't even begin to focus. I barely participated in my last class, and the class before that, I was on my phone the whole time. Today has just been one of those days, and I really hope that this is the only day, that one of those days, decides to "carpe diem" from me.

I guess I do give in to passion, I do not deny its existence as I do not deny mine, I am opposed to making my life miserable, and I'm tired of people, the universe, everything pushing me around, but how can I be passionate about life if life is always going to be full of these things? Should I distract myself with undesirable work? Who knows.. I guess I'll just get these degrees and take my leave. Hopefully they help me in life.

I can't wait to get back on Amtrak again.

Have a Good One